Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says raise your hand if you’re a single lady.

Look me in the eyes and call me big daddy.

By George, this is a smart group! Way to go gals, not one of you fell for the initial test. Let’s get on with it then, shall we?

Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you will feel awkward. When, in fact, they are the awkward ones.

Simon says wiggle your hips like you’re dancing the night away at an Ibiza nightclub with a sexy Italian billionaire, whilst your married friends stay home and cook dinner, tend to the laundry, and watch paint dry.

Simon says cover your ears, like you do when that bitch from high school starts yapping about her upcoming nuptials that she didn't invite you to attend—because “only people with an actual, legitimate plus-one (not like a casual hook-up or your brother who you always drag along) are allowed to come, otherwise it will throw off the seating chart. I mean, have you EVER heard of a table for seven???”

Shout “I’m crazy!”

That’s it ladies! I can’t trick you for one hot minute. Not only are you NOT crazy, but studies show that the “single at heart” are generally just as happy as those in long-term relationships.

Simon says fight for your right to participate in broadly known two-or-more-person activities such as: riding roller coasters, going to the movie theater, or playing ping-pong. It’s these small wins that will get you one step closer to broader acceptance by those who have bought into the “matrimania” ideology.

Simon says bend over and take it like a champ from the workplace, the marketplace, and the federal tax structure, all of which will screw you at some point for being single.

Slow clap for Beyoncé, whose number-one hit “Single Ladies” gave you permission to: “Get nice and stanky with me. Where I'm from we do things nice and stanky. We do things nice and funky.”

Ha! I nearly got you there. But then, you remembered that Beyoncé was just trying to exploit your vulnerabilities in order to sell records, much like all of those stupid self-help book authors and e-course “gurus” who purport solutions to your singledom—as though it’s a problematic plague.

Simon says applaud for yourself—for withstanding the ridiculous stereotypes created by those afraid of solitude (and likely their own shadow).

Simon says fly like a bird because you’re totally and utterly free to do whatever the hell you want.

(One last thing: While I’m a huge supporter of each and every one of you, would any of you fancy a drink?)