Astronaut killer

Midnight in seventies film grain. Horror jazz soundtrack for piano and bass fills the air. Big dark city made of interlocking alleys, lit up by pink neon and yellow headlights. Loose trash stirs in the wind. A singing hobo takes a drink behind a dumpster. He stops, squints at the figure in the shadows. Man in a space suit? Couldn't be, makes no sense. Space man comes closer. Hobo stinks of fear and urine. Space man pulls out a knife. Hobo screams. Camera pans away as title of film splashes across crumbling brick wall in blood red letters: ASTRONAUT KILLER. Cue intro credits.

High school full of porn stars in their twenties. Students congregate pointlessly in front of lockers. Popular girls are planning a slumber party. Nerd flirts with hot girl for comic relief. Shut up, nerd, nobody likes you. Popular girls roll eyes and resume boring conversation. Their voices are annoying and their hairstyles are stupid.

Fat kid working in a video store. Store is empty because nobody rents videos anymore. Fat kid is bored, reads the newspaper. CRAZED MURDERER ESCAPES FROM ASTRONAUT ASYLUM. Fat kid laughs at headline. Astronaut walks into store, fat kid stops laughing. Astronaut is browsing horror section. Fat kid is suddenly nervous. Is this the astronaut killer? Maybe it's a different, harmless astronaut. Astronaut walks up to counter and stabs fat kid in the eye with broken shard of DVD. Fat kid screams, bleeds everywhere, dies. Astronaut steals soda and leaves.

Cool kids are smoking cigarettes after school. Guys are punching each other and talking about football. Girls are talking about the big slumber party, also their periods. Guy in rape van gives everybody rides home.

Hardboiled Detective is on the case. Old man takes pictures of dead fat kid at video store. CSI team wanders around the crime scene with tweezers and brushes, collecting hair and pretending to work. Detective lights up a cigarette, vows to catch the maniac before he kills again. Astronaut Killer must be stopped! Video store manager points to NO SMOKING sign. Detective flicks cigarette outside. It hits an old lady and sets her straw church hat on fire.

Astronaut Killer is lurking in the bushes. Dumb girls giggle while doing cartwheels in short shorts and no bras. Lawn sprinklers spray white cotton T-shirts. Astronaut Killer is watching, breathing heavily. Masturbation is implied.

Hardboiled Detective is getting clues. He speaks to the doctor of the astronaut asylum.

DETECTIVE: What can you tell me about Astronaut Killer?

DOCTOR: He went crazy after returning home from the space war.

DETECTIVE: Space war? I didn't know we ever had one of those.

DOCTOR: He seems to think we did. And judging by his condition, I'd say it was a pretty bad one.

DETECTIVE: Hmm… Thanks, Doc.

Hardboiled Detective cranks up his car and thinks up a plan.

Hot girls in lingerie are having a pillow fight in the suburbs. Shitty music plays as Black Girl and Brunette #2 share a joint and talk about boys. Blonde #3 twirls hair, stares into space. The power goes out, girls get scared. What was that noise? Is someone sneaking around outside? Glass shatters, everybody screams. Cat attack! Laughing frat boys break into house.

DOUCHEBAG #1: Hey sluts, did we scare you? We cut the power and threw a cat through your window!

BLONDE #1: Jerks!

DOUCHEBAG #2: We brought beer!

BRUNETTE #2: Let's party!

Everybody starts dancing. Black cat hisses and runs away.

Astronaut Killer is strangling a pizza boy. Pizza Boy dies.

Meanwhile at the party, drunk people are fucking. The doorbell rings. It must be the pizza they ordered. No, Pizza Boy is dead, nobody gets pizza. Astronaut Killer kicks open the door. He has a chainsaw. Gratuitous violence ensues, everybody gets killed. Only one girl remains. Thrilling chase scene. Girl falls down four times.

Screaming girl in underwear runs into police station for help. Cops laugh at screaming girl. Damn kids and their crazy stories.

SCREAMING GIRL: But you've got to believe me! Everyone is dead!

COP #1: Go home and get some sleep, you're tired.

SCREAMING GIRL: Why won't anybody listen to me?

COP #2: Look bitch, you're drunk. Take a hike before we throw you in a cell.

Screaming Girl runs away crying.

Hardboiled Detective to the rescue. Picks up Screaming Girl on the side of the road and drives off. Moon buggy in rear view mirror.

HARDBOILED DETECTIVE: Damn! Astronaut Killer is right behind us!

SCREAMING GIRL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Action packed car chase scene. Detective rams moon buggy off a cliff. Explosion! Hardboiled Detective hugs Screaming Girl. They're safe, it's all over now. Or is it? Astronaut Killer is right behind them!

THE END… ?


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