Okay dude, I have a pretty decent proposal for you. I was going to buy an anniversary gift for Shelley, but instead, I am offering you the last 6 bucks in my wallet to fuck your girlfriend. We both know you need the money and I need a vacation from my monotonous monogamy.

Guy whispering to hot chick with cleavageOne stipulation: you can't watch. It's really for your own good. I'm going to be doing some pretty nasty things to her that would make a voyeur cringe and perhaps even have a seizure. I wouldn't want you to accidentally dismember yourself with an epileptic adventure while rubbing one out. You'll thank me later.

Because I'm such a good guy, you can take Shelley as collateral in case I return your woman broken, dented or stained. I know you don't do 4.5's, but she's really great at mopping and she'll fluff just about anything. You can bring her back whenever. Also, she could benefit from losing a few pounds so don't worry about feeding her. Just hose her down every few days to get the funk off. She has her own collar and rarely speaks unless spoken to which makes her a pretty viable pet. Thankfully she knows the rule forbidding her to sleep on the bed so you don't have to worry about waking up to a slobbery tongue and annoying panting.

While I am going to ride her like a rental car, I'll make sure to bring the steering wheel back when I'm done.I know you have may have some concerns about all of this. Let me ease your mind with a few truths….

First, don't worry about me dumping a bastard child on your hands because I'm pretty good at the rhythm method, especially when Asher Roth is gushing about college in the background. I also pull out when I'm finished.

Second, I was tested when I was 20 for sexy and contagious diseases in order to convince this girl to pull my v-card so you shouldn't have to worry about growing any extra limbs around your genitals.

Third, I promise not to intentionally put the footage of us crashing uglies on the internet, but of course I'm going to need something to watch later while I'm settling for sloppy firsts with my lady.

Finally, while I am going to ride her like a rental car, I'll make sure to at least bring the keys and steering wheel back when I'm done. I promise.

I'm not usually this type of guy. Usually I'd just make my move behind your back and keep nagging her until she caves or gets the obligatory restraining order. Your girl is just bangin' though. You deserve some compensation for introducing us so go out and get yourself something classy. Remember of course that she may need some icy hot when she comes home so don't go spending all of that hard earned cash.

I think that pretty much covers everything. When can I pick her up?