>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
May 12, 2004

The real news (for boring people)

The breakdown (for college people)

New York Removes Parking Meter Too Close to Fire Hydrant

By KAREN MATTHEWS, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK – The city wasted no time in mollifying motorists angry over a case of meter madness. A parking meter in the Park Slope section of Brooklyn was so close to a fire hydrant that parking there meant risking a $115 ticket.

Okay good, for a second I thought this article was going to address the war with Iraq.

State law requires that cars park at least 15 feet from hydrants — leaving only 12 feet, 5 inches between the meter and the buffer zone. Only a tiny car such as the Mini Cooper, measuring just 11.9 feet, could fit in that space; a Ford Taurus would be about 4 feet too long.

Why is this Associated Press article a commercial for the Mini Cooper? “Only a swift, agile car, like say…the Mini Cooper, could dare park in such a courageous spot!”

The city removed the meter on Tuesday, following a front-page headline in the Daily News.

Now if they could only make a front-page headline about Kathy Lee Gifford! (That joke was taken from tomorrow night's Jay Leno opening monologue.)

“We took the meter out,” said Tom Cocola, a spokesman for the city Department of Transportation. “We try to listen to the public.”

The cameraman then said “Ummm sir, that bus behind you is being hijacked.” To which Cocola responded, “Yup, allllways listen to the public.” (If you thought I was going to make a joke about his last name sounding like Coca Cola, press 1 now.)

That was too late for George Akopoulos, 47, who co-owns a restaurant nearby. He said he got a ticket a month ago but paid it to avoid a hassle. Others, such as Bob Restaino, 64, have unsuccessfully fought their tickets.

Restaino sounds like a superhero who battles detergent man. Whenever a meatball stain is being cleaned, that's where he'll be.

“This is a disgrace. I put money in the meter, went to lunch and got a ticket. I was parked legally,” Restaino told the Daily News.

Fleeing from the scene was a box of TIDE. Restaino then squinted and gazed into the sun, shouting “YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME!!!”

Restaino, who is retired, called the newspaper in frustration after spending three hours in parking court Monday.

Just pay the fucking fine you washed up superhero.

But Tuesday was a new day for him. He was autographing copies of his picture in the paper for neighborhood residents and fielding calls from the BBC, the British broadcasting network.

Don't the British have better things to do then to call up retired superhero's? Or should I say, the “ENGLISH.”

“I never actually in my wildest dreams figured it would go this far,” he said.

As he let his cock finally dangle firmly past his knees. “Seriously, I usually jerk it back towards me as it passes my thighs, I had no idea it would go this far!”

Cocola said anyone who got a ticket at the meter should plead innocent and mail a copy of the Daily News story with the ticket. “I think they'll be successful,” he said.

Cocola then went to his house and waited idly by the phone. But the BBC never called Cocola. They only called Diet Cocola. Damnit, you're right, I couldn't resist the opportunity! I couldn't resist…THE REAL THING! Always Cocola!

He said he didn't know how the meter and the fire hydrant were installed so close together in the first place. “It may have been a miscalculation,” he said.

*Clap* *Clap* *Fucking, clap* Thank you for the EXPERT OPINION, Mr. Cocola! It MAY have been a miscalculation. Karen Matthews, Associated Press writer, you really do know how to end your articles with an EMPHATIC THUD!