>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

August 9, 2006

Nathan: Do you think I should try to get Court to link to Jesse’s website?
Kevin: Well, I mean, he is riding a bicycle from Seattle to Miami to help Haitian kids. That’s kind of noble.
I don’t know, I just think it would look kind of shameless.
Yeah, that would be a first for you: looking shameless.
Fuck you.

Recently, I stumbled upon an old phenomenon: text messaging. Now, I realize that people have been texting each other for years, but, because it has to do with technology and typing, I always equated text messaging as something only geeks do. Also, it seemed ludicrous to take longer to type something than it would to say it. Therefore, I never texted anyone.

Over the last few years though, people started text messaging me. I always called them back because I never really cared to learn how to text message, because, as I just mentioned, I thought it was stupid and unnecessary.

Then, text messaging got me laid. And since that time, I’ve been a big proponent of typing with my thumbs.

Shortly after a recent breakup, I received a text message from a girl I had known, but had never been intimate with. The message read: “When can I come over?”

“Girls kept insisting that text messaging is easier. I can’t say that. But, text messaging seems to have made them easier for me to get.”

Instead of calling this girl back immediately, I elicited the help of a 16-year-old girl who has been helping out in the office this summer. I asked her if I should call or text back. She told me, and I’m quoting here, “Text her. You don’t want to seem desperate.”

I had no idea how the hell not calling a girl and typing her a message instead could make me appear less desperate, but whatever. I took the girl’s advice. Of course, first she had to show me how to text. I use the ABC mode, by the way. And yes, I really don’t know what I’m doing.

Anyway, I texted back the message: “7pm.”

And she came over at 7pm. And we were fucking by 8pm. And the next morning, every girl’s number in my cell phone received a text message.

And a few of them came over.

And for weeks now, I’ve been trying to figure out why girls prefer this method over phone calls. I mean, why exactly, is this getting me laid? And, though I’m still working on formulating my theories and am not exactly sure why, I still have a column deadline. So, here’s what I’ve figured out so far.

Text Messaging Is Secretive

Remember passing notes back in junior high? Remember some of the stuff girls wrote in those notes? It’s almost like texting allows them to say something they mean without ever really saying it. They can’t really be held to whatever they typed, because they never said it. Plus, no one within earshot can hear it because it was never spoken. The girls can delete their messages after sending them. It’s like it never happened. And because you can delete it, no girl ever has to say, “I didn’t write that note” to some dude’s jealous girlfriend.

Text Messaging Does Not Interrupt

We all equate the voice on the other end of a ringing phone with how pleased we are to pick up the phone and talk at the given time of the call. With text messaging, there are no interruptions. You read your messages at your leisure, when you have a chance to check them. And, when you really give a damn about checking your messages, you probably want to read something from someone who wants to fuck you. I’m not one hundred percent on this one, but I think I’m right, here.

It’s Just Easier

This was the hardest one for me to learn because, for me, it’s not easier. Calling someone up and talking to them is easier than typing shit out with my thumbs. But, girls kept insisting that text messaging rules because it’s easier. I can’t say that. But, text messaging seems to have made them easier for me to get, so I’m just agreeing with this one because I kind of understand what they’re saying.

Now, I realize that there are a slew of people reading this and thinking, “no duh” or some variation. And to them I say, please help me out. Please let me understand the other reasons why young women seem to prefer texting to talking. And, more importantly, why it gets me laid.

I know I’m not very smart, and I truly did stumble upon this phenomenon late in its development (and to tell you the truth, I feel just a little bit cheated), but, oh well… as The Man says, better late than never and all that.