>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

July 26, 2006

Nathan: Dude, have you ever cum in your wife’s hair?
No. I mean, not since I made her my wife.
I mean, would any man ever cum on his wife’s face?
The only time I ever do is when she says she doesn’t want to have sex. Then, I wait until she goes to sleep and blow a load all over her face.
It must be fun in your household.
It’s an absolute blast.

Ladies, gentlemen and American Idol fans, I have good news for you today. After minutes upon minutes of actual thought, I have come to a conclusion. I have concluded just how easy it is for a man to gauge his feelings for a girl.

You see girls, we men are not the brightest creatures on the planet. We often don’t think about stuff on the grounds that, to quote my friend Luke, “Thinking about stuff sucks.” He has a point. Unfortunately for his landlord, that’s about all he has. But I digress.

Sunday night, I accidentally came in a girl’s hair. This didn’t bother me in the slightest. Such accidents rarely do, right? (I mean, it’s like, sorry girl, you got cum in your hair. Here’s a towel. Good luck and all that.)

“If you cum in a chick’s face and don’t give it any thought, refuse to get her a towel, and laugh maniacally, you don’t like her.”

Anyway, the next day I asked a friend of mine (married ten years) when the last time was that he got cum in his girl’s hair.

“Geez,” he responded. “Well, I mean, not since we’ve been married.”

And then it hit me like a giant discharge: men can adequately gauge their feelings for a woman by how they feel about cumming all over them. And, because taking these little truisms from life and transferring them into lists is what I do third best, I will now outline how you men can adequately gauge your feelings for a woman.

You Cum in Her Face

If you cum in a chick’s face (after sex—blowjobs are excluded from this discourse, lads) and don’t give it any thought, refuse to get her a towel, and laugh maniacally, you don’t like her. Not in the slightest. Oh sure, you may enjoy how her face looks covered in cum, but that’s about it. She means nothing to you.

You Cum in Her Hair

Say you accidentally shoot a load up her back and it gets in her hair. If you offer her a towel and don’t laugh, you’ll probably fuck her again and she may be worth dating. If you just laugh, you’d probably fuck her again and she ain’t worth a shit.

You Cum All Over Her Tits and/or Ass

What can I say? You like the girl. I mean, you cared enough to cum all over the parts of her that you probably find the most attractive, indicating that (on some primal level) you feel like your seed should probably be mixed with her beauty. This chick is invited back. Hell, she may even get breakfast.

You Refuse to Cum Anywhere But Inside Her

You respect this chick and could possibly imagine spending a great deal of time with her (perhaps even sober). Watch out fellas, this could be love.

The thing about feelings is that they are hard to define. They are hard to define because, for the most part, they are being defined by women, who can’t bring themselves to agree on anything. So, because the simple ideas are the best ideas, it is clear that us men should do our part to help define how we feel about women. I’m pretty sure that these cum guidelines have helped us do that.

Now guys, the next time you spray your load all over a chick’s face, I want you to ask yourself one all important question: Do I care enough about this bitch to get her a towel? If the answer is yes, well, you may want to start saving for a ring.

I mean, one never ever knows and all that.