>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

June 20, 2007

Mike: You know that show where the dude always asks the actors what they’d say to God if he welcomed them?
Inside the Actor’s Studio.
Yeah well, I mean that got me thinking. You know, what would I say to God?
I don’t know… probably something like, “Holy shit, I’m in.”
You’re right, I would probably say something… you know, that shot off that kind of meaning.
Refine it a little. I’m sure you’ll make it work.
Thanks. That means a lot.

I’ve never shot heroin.

That’s what I’m gonna tell St. Peter if he asks me why he should let me into Heaven.

I’ve never smoked crack.

That will be my follow up.

And I never really hurt nobody all that much.

That’s my closer.

It’s good to plan what you’re gonna say in times of moral crisis. The trouble is, it’s hard to be sure just what kind of moral crisis you’re likely to find yourself in. For example, say you participate in illicit naked affairs with a friend’s mom… what would you say to your friend when he or she found out?

“I have devised a system that minimizes the likelihood of dead prostitutes and barnyard animals.”

It would be pretty hard to just explain away. I think I’d go with the hard-line approach if the friend in question was male. Something like, “Dude, she wanted it. It’s not my fault you come with the package.” That way, we can just throw punches and get it the hell over with. It sucks when grudges take a long time to fully manifest. Bad for the kidneys too, I’m pretty sure.

But, just because something is insanely difficult to plan does not mean that we shouldn’t try to at least adequately prepare ourselves for what to do in case we’re found naked in a hotel room with a barnyard animal or worse yet (depending on your perspective, I guess) a dead prostitute. That is why, I have devised a system that minimizes the likelihood of dead prostitutes and barnyard animals in particular. Unfortunately though, this great theory is worthless to me if I tell it to you, so I’m just gonna have to give you a general breakdown of what to be cautious of with the hopes that you’ll define your own plans. So, omitting dead prostitutes and barnyard animals, here is my incomplete list of things to be cautious of:

Married women, involved women, single women, crazy women, crack cocaine, heroin, wars, guns, people in nice, crowded restaurants who get tables brought out for them while fifty people wait in the lobby, rapists, people who want to sell you on NAMBLA, Scientologists, zealots, idiots, gang members, and well, just about anyone who makes you think for one second that there is no way in hell that you would ever let them get in your car. Oh, and door-to-door salesmen. That’s just intrusive.

Unfortunately for you, your list is probably longer than mine. Thanks to the Doc, I’m a relatively mellow guy with no desire to attack or harm anyone in the slightest, so my list is pretty tame for now. I’m a peaceful man.

And I never shot heroin or smoked crack or ever really hurt nobody all that much.

I promise.