>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

May 30, 2007

Nathan: You stood me up.
I’m sorry. Would a blowjob make it better?
Do you think I’m that easy?
Was that a joke?

Hey girls, tired of being treated like sluts, whores and general gizum catchers? If the answer’s no, send me an email at [email protected]. If the answer’s yes, read the rest of this column.

I’ll try not to waste your time.

The following is a list of four things that you chicks can do to get respect from the male population. Now, I know that most of you seem to think the key to landing a man is taking off your clothes and secreting bodily fluids—and believe me that’s important—but there are ways you can actually land a man who will respect you. I know it’s strange, but it happens. And, like many of life’s important lessons, this one starts with thinking.

Grab a Brain

“Jokes about sex or your bodily fluid are not funny if we’re currently fucking.”

Stupid people are everywhere. And, unless they can hit a baseball or throw a football, I usually don’t care to respect them. Women who can think, who read and write, who formulate opinions and who offer addendums to The Karma Sutra are hot. Also, they are worthy of respect. I don’t care if you look like Jessica Alba (that is a lie), men respect intelligence (that is not). In addition to intelligence, we value a sense of humor, a certain level of sanity and respect for the pooty.

(Oh, and I know this is unfair, but just ‘cause you’re super smart doesn’t mean you get to act like it all the time. I don’t care which gender you are, that’s just snobby.)

Three Payments Minimum (Respect Your Pooty)

Look, some nights you want to get laid, and that’s awesome. Seriously, I’m there for you. And I may be there again. Stress on the maybe. But that’s not the point. If you want to slut it up, slut the fuck away. But don’t expect any guy to take you seriously in the slightest if he hasn’t paid for at least three dates or bought you three gifts. And yes, maybe this makes you a bit of a whore, but from what I can tell about my fair country, it would make you one of the classiest whores in a very humungous whorehouse.

And if you laughed at that last sentence, then maybe you’ve got a sense of humor that is worthy of respect.

Have the Proper Sense of Humor

This is easier said than done, but assuming that you have a good sense of humor, here are a few rules you may want to abide by.

First, jokes about sex or your bodily fluid are not funny if we’re currently fucking. No one wants to stick their dick in a punch line.

Second, don’t talk shit. If it’s not sexy when I do it, it’s not sexy when you do it. Plus, it’s just not sexy. Nor is it usually funny (unless you’re talking about fucking up another female and such talk is actually out of character for you—that’s a rare exception).

Third and finally, I don’t think anyone wants to hear about your cat. And I know for a fact that your cat is not funny. And no, I don’t have to meet your cat to know this. It’s a law of nature.

As goes the rest of it, just be witty and sharp and charming. Puns are okay (though I personally hate them), because they at least show a level of intelligence (as puns are the irony of wordplay). Also, any story that starts off with you making out with a chick is totally entertaining.

No matter where it goes.

Now, though having a sense of humor, not being a total slut and mustering your intelligence are three important steps that will help you earn male respect, the final (and most important) step involves simply being fucking sane.

Be Sane

The first step to conveying some sense of emotional sanity is understanding that just because you do not feel good, does not mean that it is your job to piss off everyone around you. I know it seems like a good idea (okay, that was a lie), but it’s just unfair. Misery may breed company, but certain company doesn’t necessarily need to be breaded (or pan fried, for that matter).

In addition to not pushing shitty moods on other people, it is also important to keep a relatively rational head in serious situations. Or, put simply, don’t freak out and cry about stupid shit.

Now, I know that you girls typically go to Cosmo for this advice. And, well, I hate to tell this to you, but every women’s magazine was designed to sell you lip plumper and plastic surgery.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Anyway, I hope that I have helped all you sluts learn how to get a man to respect you. And if none of this works, there is a failsafe device.

Blowjobs. Lots and lots of blowjobs.

Y’all welcome.