>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

May 3, 2007

Nick: Dude, you should write a column about punching people in the mouth.
Well, finals are coming up. It’s basically a throw away week.
That’s the spirit.

Here at Primal Urges, we are dedicated to teaching etiquette. Seriously. This is like, a self-help column. For real. In addition to this dedication to teaching etiquette, we also like to examine the human condition through a strainer covered with lip gloss. Don’t ask us why. We keep to ourselves around my column.

The great thing about etiquette is, it exists for one reason. Really and truly, and beyond a shadow’s shadow of a fifty cent debt, etiquette exists to keep people from getting punched in the mouth.

This is just one of those things we know to be true. Like rain.

And, because etiquette is the game here at Primal Urges (have I mentioned that yet?), I offer up to you one of the most important lessons in the history of the lowest common denominator of etiquette. After extensive research, we here at Primal Urges (that’s the name of my column, if you’re still wondering or are not sure or whatever) have devised a list of people who, due to behavior or circumstance, honestly should be punched in the mouth. If we all do our best to avoid being the people who do the things on this list, we can all make the world a better place.

“Yelling is all you can do if it’s an abusive mom—gotta have rules and all that.”

Now, before we get to the list, let me first lay the ground rules for this here study: the people on this list are people who it is okay to punch, but only once and only in the mouth. Therefore, people guilty of grave crimes, like rapists, murderers, thieves and hustlers, are excluded from this list. Rapists, murderers, thieves and hustlers care very little about etiquette, and thus are excused from this study. Oh, and so are any other grave criminal types that I probably missed. I mean, if I knew that the punishment for killing someone was getting punched in the mouth, you’d probably be dead.

Come to think of it, so would I.

Anyway, my digression grew its own digression. And I think it’s time to steer this boat back to shore (that’s a metaphor—neat, huh?). So without further ado, here is a list of a bunch of people, some of whom you may have encountered, who deserve to be punched in the mouth.

That Guy Who Grabs Your Girlfriend’s Ass

Look, dude. He grabbed your girlfriend’s ass. I mean, what the fuck, right? You’re obligated and he deserves it. No jury in the world would convict you for assault, except probably for most juries in America. But whatever, right? He grabbed your girlfriend’s ass.

That Guy Who Took Your Last Beer

Dude, he took your last beer. He just straight up walked to your fridge and took your last beer. I mean, why not just let him piss on your sister or something? Hey man, can I piss on your sister? Would that be cool?

That Guy at the Sporting Event Who Brings a Big Sign and Sits in Front of You

Suffice it to say, this is yet to happen to me. When it does, I will be arrested. Fortunately, I’m not famous so you probably won’t find out about it.

If you encountered Big Sign Person, you probably wouldn’t punch them in the mouth. You don’t care about etiquette as much as I do.

Barry Bonds

I don’t know what it is, but dude needs to be punched in the mouth.

That Guy Who Beats His Kids in Public

Dude, not only does this guy beat his kids, he does it right in front of you. Which is just a little obscene, isn’t it? How refreshing would it be to walk up to this dude (yelling is all you can do if it’s an abusive mom—gotta have rules and all that) and punch him in the mouth? Tell me that wouldn’t make the world a better place. I mean, you gotta do it.

That Old Guy Who Thinks You Care

Alright, this one may seem a little sick. ‘Cause it’s really uncool to punch the elderly. And I would never do it, only because I would probably accidentally seriously injure or kill one of them and go to jail for the rest of my life. And my grandpa would hate me. And my mom would disown me. But still, I mean, tell me that people who take up hours of their lives forcing you to hear stuff you can’t relate to and don’t care about don’t deserve to be punched in the mouth.

Oh, and you wouldn’t do this, either. At least I hope not, ‘cause I wouldn’t. And I’m not known for great judgment.

By the way, this seems like a good time to point out that here at Primal Urges, we are strongly against punching anyone in the mouth.

With the possible exception of Barry Bonds.

Anyway folks, if you’re reading this and you’re the kind of guy who beats kids in public, steals a man’s last beer (oh yes, when it’s the last beer, make no mistake, it is stealing), drones on for hours about nothing, grabs somebody’s girl’s ass, or brings a big sign to a sporting event, then you deserve to get punched in the mouth.

I don’t make this shit up. It comes to me from Jesus.

True story.