>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

May 23, 2007

Nathan: I want to give a commencement address at my old college.
What’s a commencement address?
It’s a speech to a college graduating class.
If it’s just a speech, why don’t you call it a speech?
Because I went to college.
So I know other words for “speech.”
You’re about to know other words for “dislocated jaw.”

Congratulations, Class of 2007.

It’s an honor to speak to you today and let you know how fucked you are. Seriously. You made a huge mistake. You graduated. Dumbasses.

Fortunately for you, I am your commencement speaker, so you don’t have to worry about exactly how stupid it was to graduate. I’m here to tell you that. In fact, let me start with my own recollection of my college experience.

In college, I was drunk for four years and woke up in a black robe. I don’t remember much more than that except that I made a lot of friends. I’ve tried asking my friends for details on those years and why I thought those years were so great but they don’t remember anything either. Which is probably why we all agree that those four years were the best of our lives.

But alas, we fucking graduated.

“I still miss college. And that’s why I’ve come to tell you how stupid you are.”

Now, it wasn’t all downhill after I graduated college. I mean, friends and family actually congratulated me for a job well done for a whole two to three days afterwards. It didn’t bother me that I didn’t remember this job or how well I did it. I was happy they were proud.

And life didn’t start to suck right away after college. In fact, one of the best summers of my life was my summer after college graduation.

I spent that summer in Europe, living with a beautiful German jeans model and drinking heavily while free money floated in from a source that needs to remain anonymous for both of us to retain our lifestyles. Nevertheless, it was an awesome time. I’d love to tell you about Europe, but I was drunk and don’t remember much of it.

My girlfriend and I broke up because of how awesome it was though, so I’m pretty sure I had a really great time. And that’s important, because after Europe, shit really started to suck.

After graduation and Europe I entered something called the real world. It started when my parents gave me three months to get my shit together and get the hell out of their house. Again (they had told me this after high school graduation, as well).

“But,” I said, “I graduated. I went to Europe. I’m done.”

“That’s funny,” said my mom, as if she thought I didn’t even believe my own words.

From there I just went from one job to another, one slight pay raise to the next, every year. And though I eventually evolved beyond roommates, beyond shitty pizza, beyond draft beer and debt, beyond ramen noodles and Kool-aid, I still miss college.

And that’s why I’ve come to tell you how stupid you are.

Congratulations class of 2007. You owe financial institutions money; you need to start a career. I hope you get to go to Europe. Because a few days after you leave this basketball gymnasium, a future employer is gonna remind you that you don’t know shit about the real world. And they’re right.

But the sad thing is, both you and your future employer would rather have nothing to do with the real world.

Good luck finding your insurance carriers and planning for your future.

Oh, and from now on, when you fuck 18-year-old chicks, people will actually judge you for it.

Good luck and God Bless.