>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
February 1, 2006<

Nathan: I need a snippet about the Super Bowl for my next column.
Todd: And I need a job. I think we both know who’s better off.

In kindergarten, a young Yours Truly was instructed (as part of a classroom exercise) to stand and state my favorite holiday. I did as asked, and informed the class that my favorite holiday was the Super Bowl. To which the teacher replied, “That’s not a holiday.” After the class finished laughing at me, I elected July Fourth as my favorite holiday, the whole time casting nervous glances at the faces of my classmates in anticipation of learning that Independence Day was not actually a holiday, either. I was surprised to discover that the day we blow stuff up is a holiday, but the greatest football game of every year is not. Had I known what “priority” meant, I would have thought this country had its priorities out of whack. I didn’t know the word, though. So I didn’t know what to think.

Later, when my father got home from work, I informed him that my teacher had told me that the Super Bowl was not a holiday.

Teacher’s don’t know everything,” was his reply.

Now, there is still as much truth in that statement today as there was then. Teachers don’t know everything. And the Super Bowl is a holiday. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s true. And I feel like proving it.

“The Super Bowl is the highest rated show every year. How can this not be a holiday? I defy you to tell me that this, the holiest of holy Sundays, is not a holiday.”

Like any good holiday, the Super Bowl offers food, friends, family, and festivities. I would leave it at that, but this column needs more words. So without further ado, please allow me to illustrate my point (wow, I got really polite there for a second—excuse me while I slap a woman’s ass and get back into character).

Food

Depending on the gathering and the group of Americans in question, only three meals could possibly ever dwarf the Super Bowl spread. (By the by, one of my Uncle Scott’s greatest running jokes involved him looking up at the first person who said, “That’s quite a spread,” in reference to the food at a SB party and then him replying, “No, seven points seems about right.” Gambling humor. You just can’t beat it.) Those meals: Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. No other holiday (besides those three) has more food than the Super Bowl. Even Fourth of July barbecues just can’t compare. So, it follows then, that if the Super Bowl offers more food than a holiday like Independence Day, then the Super Bowl must be a holiday. Still don’t believe me. Read on. Go on. There’s more words and stuff. I promise.

Friends and Family

Much like every other holiday, the Super Bowl always brings friends and family together. However, unlike most holidays, the Super Bowl has no religious influence of any kind. In other words, during the Super Bowl, we can get together with friends and family and not feel guilty for getting completely wasted. Furthermore, because everyone has a major distraction (i.e. the most important football game of the year), they’re more interested in getting along (arguments drown out the game and detract from its enjoyment, and so negative, dramatic behavior simply will not be tolerated at your typical Super Bowl party). So there you go. Football brings people together and makes them get along. (I sure hope someone’s reading this to you, President Bush. A lot of the world’s problems can be solved with football. And you think I’m joking.)

Festivities

The Super Bowl has more festivities than any other holiday. Hell, the countdown to the new year is ten seconds long. The countdown to the Super Bowl lasts two weeks. The Super Bowl offers an endless stream of parades and gatherings leading up to and following the game. If you combined New Years, the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas into one three week span, you still wouldn’t have as many parades, gatherings and celebrations as this one game produces. Furthermore, just look at the television. There are more Super Bowl related programs than there are Christmas programs (source: total guess). I mean, for crying out loud, the Super Bowl is the highest rated show every year. They even use it to kick off brand new commercials. How can this not be a holiday? I defy you to tell me that this, the holiest of holy Sundays, is not a holiday.

Seriously, don’t backtalk.

Because it offers all the necessary food, festivities friends and family to qualify, the Super Bowl is an American holiday. And since it’s on a Sunday, we can call it a holiday without demanding a day off from work and school (though I do believe we should all get the following Monday off, but whatever…I’ll settle for the necessary recognition). All we need to do is just agree that the Super Bowl is a holiday, and it becomes one (kind of like how we all decided that Nickelback sucks because it’s true).

So, allow me to kick this bad boy off.

Happy Super Bowl, everyone. And to all a good night.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.