>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

December 5, 2007

Nathan: This guy applied for the secretary position.
Throw that resume away, now.

I met this guy named Mark through work a few months ago. He seems like a really cool guy. He’s funny, a diehard sports freak (and a Dolphins fan as well so he has plenty of funny sports material at his disposal), a hardcore punk fan, and a big drinker. My kind of guy, right?

While Mark and I were hanging out a few weeks ago, I asked him what his plans were for Thanksgiving and he told me he’d be in Chicago.

“Oh,” I said. “Do you have family there or something?”

“No, it’s a work thing.”

“Over Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, I’m a flight attendant.”

I laughed so hard I spit whiskey all over him.

“Asshole,” he said.

I apologized but I don’t think it worked. I haven’t seen the dude since then and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an ass, but well, I can’t help it. Ingrained in my makeup is the belief that certain jobs just aren’t for men. Just like I freak out when I see a female motorcycle cop, drill sergeant or laborer, I can’t handle the idea of men in certain positions in our great country. Now, this does not mean that men shouldn’t be flight attendants (or anything else for that matter), it just means that I’m an old-school asshole. Maybe I can change. But I mean, let’s be fucking realistic.

Anyway, in the interests of meeting my annual PIC list quota, the following five positions are ones that I just can’t see men holding in the workplace.

1. Flight Attendant

Before the PC police ripped this gig a new one, the title for this job was “Stewardess.” Any job that ends with the suffix “-ess” is not one that is fit for any man in my opinion.

You see, the job of bringing people drinks and food on a flight is a chick job. Flying the plane, well that’s a man’s job. And if you’re a man who can’t fly a plane, then sitting in a seat and pounding drinks brought to you by a chick is your job. I have no reason or explanation for this. Call it blatant sexism if you want, but well, every time I see a male stewardess, I assume that he is either gay, delicate or both. This is my problem, not the flight attendant’s problem, but whatever. It’s a queer gig in my mind. And since I’m not planning on going to sensitivity training ever, it probably always will be.

2. Hair Stylist

Male barbers are cool. I went to a male barber for years when I was a kid. He called me Ace and told me stories about watching the Cardinals back in the ‘60s. I can get behind that gig.

But stylists? I mean, stylists color, press, and perm hair. That’s just chick shit. In fact, I think it’s a rule that if you’re a male hair stylist and you’re not gay, you’re just bullshitting your way through the profession so you can meet chicks. More than likely, if you’re a non-gay hairstylist, you’re one of those weirdos who lives to sniff fresh, female hair. Which is cool in a sick sort of way, I guess. Pervert.

3. Secretary

Secretaries make coffee, answer phones, take messages, and suck dick. These are all chick jobs. I just can’t see why any heterosexual male would want to do this for a living.

4. Nurse

I hate the male nurse because he ruins every single nurse-related fantasy in the world. There’s something about lying in hospital bed naked, bullet in your thigh, muscles glistening from the obligatory sweat that encompasses every police chase that requires, nee demands a female’s care. When I’m at my toughest, most badass moments, I don’t want some dude looking over me and saying things like “puncture wound” and “syphilis.” I want a chick giving me a sponge bath and saying words like “wow” and “sexy.” And I think I speak for men everywhere on this one.

5. Maid

Much like the male nurse, a male maid would also ruin just about every fantasy I have regarding women. That being said though, I know few men who could even do this job. I mean, ladies, when was the last time you saw a man do a good job cleaning his place? It’s a rare thing to be sure.

Look, maybe I’m an asshole. Okay, definitely I’m an asshole. And maybe I have a sexist view of the world. Okay, definitely I have a sexist view of the world. But the thing is, certain personalities are best for certain jobs. And certain genders form certain personalities more consistently than do others. Because of this, women are better suited for some jobs than are men and vice versa. I’m not trying to be sexist here (I don’t really have to try, but whatever) and I know that I’m wrong and politically incorrect and all that, but I don’t give a shit.

As the man says, if it looks like a cock, slings sperm like a cock, and has two testicles hanging beneath it, it’s probably a cock.

Anyway, if you are male nurse, stylist, maid, secretary, or flight attendant, let me take this opportunity to apologize for my close-mindedness. I’d work harder to change into a better man with a more open worldview, but well, I just don’t give a shit.