>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

November 22, 2006

Nathan: What are you doing on Thanksgiving?
Kevin:
I’m going over to my mom’s for turkey and a nice good crap.
Nathan:
You’re a real fan of the holidays.
Kevin:
Yeah, well it’s tough to hate a day that involves overeating and a real good crap.
Nathan:
You should write for fucking Hallmark?
Kevin:
Think so, huh?

No matter how cheesy you may think it is (and believe me, it’s really cheesy—I figure somewhere between cheddar and feta), every year, around Thanksgiving I make a list of what I’m thankful for. I don’t know why, but it feels good to feel thankful sometimes (slightly better than content, and slightly worse than buzzed). And, I think it’s also necessary to help me in my quest to continue retaining some semblance of sanity. And, furthermore, I also have a deadline.

So this is one of those gimmicks where the two birds and the one stone have a very important meeting in cliché land and produce a list of shit I’m thankful for.

I used to know how to segue. Really, I did.

I am thankful for every piece of ass I’ve had, every blowjob I’ve received, every kiss, every knowing smile, every scream, every moan, every groan and even every little piece of laughter that women have brought me in my life.

I am thankful for my friends, the ones who always have my back and are constant reminders that I am occasionally a decent human being and, all in all, I’m okay because I don’t really mean anyone any harm.

I am thankful for the microwave, the George Foreman Grill, the weird ass internet, TIVO and everything else that makes living easier for me.

I am thankful that my family, despite all that I put them through, never gave up on me and figured I’d turn out okay (and I’m still working on that—really, I am).

I’m thankful for all you readers that actually look forward to my daily blog and weekly columns. If not for you all, I’d be writing to an empty room.

I’m thankful for beer and liquor in all their glory.

I am thankful that I just remembered that I have beer in the fridge. Excuse me.

I am thankful that I get drunk, call Court Sullivan and sing into his voice mail and yet he hasn’t once considered firing me.

I am thankful that I have a good job, stay out of trouble and try not to embarrass my family.

I am thankful that, as embarrassing as my family is, that’s not easily done.

But mainly, I am thankful that another Thanksgiving has come and not one unwanted pregnancy, STD or trip to jail has come my way.

Oh yeah, and the Turkey. I always forget the bird.

Happy Thanksgiving.


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