>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

October 11, 2006

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Brick: Lately, I’ve been quantifying emotional experiences fiscally.
So, you’ve been putting dollar signs on your emotions.
Kind of. It’s like, you know my dog?
We’ve met.
Yeah, well I love my dog five grand.
I don’t get it.
If it would cost more than five grand to save my dog’s life, I’d just have him put to sleep.
What about me? What would you pay to keep me alive?Brick: Hmm… not much.

Love is a tricky thing to define. Fortunately for you, you don’t need to. You’ve got me and I’ve got a column. Now, some people will tell you that no humor columnist can pound out a few words in a few minutes and accurately define love. Some people can fuck off. I’m doing it.

Anyway, because segues and me mix like oil and fire, I will now clumsily transition to the body of this work (hint: it’s about defining love).

Love for Humanity in General

Now, by love for humanity in general, I do not mean pity for every panhandler or shithead that wants a dime. I mean love for your fellow strangers on this here chunk of spinning dirt. You should love people you do not know (or respect) enough to avoid murdering or raping. Anything else is really your call.

“If you’re dedicating your life to a person, you should be willing to dedicate half of everything you have.”

Love for Your Casual Acquaintances

Casual acquaintances are the people you see with regularity, occasionally converse with, and possibly even know by name. You should love your casual acquaintances enough to buy them a few beers and perhaps a sandwich or a few pizza slices.

Love for Your Casual Friends

Your casual friends are people you drink with, watch football with, and are generally entertained by. You should help these guys out when the shit hits the fan and maybe spend a maximum of $50 on them at a sitting. If they need bail money, you should try to raise it, but don’t take the entire burden on yourself because it’s not like you really know these people. I mean, y’all are casual.

Love for Your Best Friends

If you have the money, you should use it to bail your best friends out of jail. (Also, you should always help your best friends move.) If they end up in the hospital or some other drastic shit happens, you should probably cough up a couple hundred to see their way clear. Also, don’t fuck their sisters or mothers. It’s just not nice.

Love for Your Spouse/Fiancée

The way I figure it, if you’re dedicating your life to a person, you should be willing to dedicate half of everything you have. I mean, it’s what they’ll get if they divorce your ass anyway.

Love for Your Family

Assuming they didn’t beat the shit out of you with regularity, abandon you in a dumpster, or kill your spouse, fiancée or best friend(s), you should give these people all you got. Provided they truly need it. I mean, no need to be an enabler, here.

So there you go. Philosophers and scientists have tried to quantify and define love for hundreds of years and I just did it in a few minutes. This just goes to show that I am a genius and philosophers and scientists are jackasses. What can I say? I’m just that good.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to work on that nagging world peace problem.