>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
January 2, 2008

Dave: You make any resolutions this year?
Sean:
Fuck you.
Nikki:
Well then…

New Year's resolutions are an admittance of self-hatred, a sign of low self-esteem, and just generally an indication that the person making the resolutions is unhappy with him or herself. That’s why I never make any New Year's resolutions. I am totally happy with myself the way I am. However, I am not above citing my hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are why we get up in the morning anyway. Without them, we may as well just open our collective mouths and ram our collective shotguns down our collective throats and leave one collective bloody mess all over the general collective.

Because I hate looking back at the past and I love looking ahead to the future, here are my dreams for the year 2008 (Year of the Rat). By the end of ’08, I would love to see all of these things come true.

(Oh, before we begin, a little side note here. I was listening to 90’s music with my buddy Aaron and we got to talking…. What are they gonna call this decade when they try to lump the music together? The oughts? The singles? We better come to an agreement on this now. It ain’t that long ‘til this decade ends. Anyway, back to the column.)

“If I can’t get none of that, I’ll settle for a Laura/Jenna Bush sex tape.”

In 2008 I would like to see Britney Spears die. I have nothing against her, nor do I really care about her, but I would love to see all those tabloid writers and paparazzi have to find another subject. Hey, I wonder how Cameron Diaz’s eyebrows are doing? Useless fucking hacks.

In 2008 I would like to see another Cardinals’ World Series, a Buccaneer Super Bowl victory, a Stanley Cup win for the Blues, and forty naked women. If I can’t get the naked women naked alone, I’ll outsource myself to a few gentlemen’s clubs. It’s nice to have a level of control over your dreams, you know?

I would like to gain twenty pounds of muscle and lose ten pounds of body fat. And I want a dead horse to beat. Those two may seem unrelated to you, but beating dead horses is good exercise.

In 2008, I would like Ron Paul to win the presidency, abolish the IRS, end the war in Iraq, restore personal freedom, and improve the economy. The game is rigged so I won’t get to see it, but it is fun to dream.

I want people to stop asking me when I’m gonna grow up.

And I don’t want to grow up.

In 2008, I would like the poor to be rich, the sick to be healthy, and the cheese to be extra. Though it looks like I’ll have to settle for that last one (I love cheese).

In 2008, I would like for all the world to realize that the real enemy is the rulers, those who clamor for control and fight to control our money supply, our food supply, and our oil supply; those who seek out and do harm to retain their powers; and those who kill and kill and kill in the name of peace. I would like a revolution in 2008, one where the voice of the free man is heard, acknowledged, and adhered to. And if I can’t get none of that, I’ll settle for a Laura/Jenna Bush sex tape.

In 2008, I want the best for all of you dear readers. Even you guys who insult me anonymously. And especially the girls who send me naked pictures of themselves.

2007 is dead, gone, buried, dissolved, and absorbed. A new year is here and we’re with it.

Hopefully this time we’ll get it right.

But I doubt it.

Happy New Year!