(Scene: KC walks down the streets of Seoul towards his teaching job.)

BRAIN: Legs! Move faster! We're going to be late!

LEGS: Dude, I told you, I'm really short. And you're wearing dress shoes.

KC: Holy shit. It's so effing cold. Remember yesterday, when I said it can't get any colder?

BRAIN: Yes.

KC: Well, it's colder.

BRAIN: We said the same thing about summer. Just about heat. It just got hotter and hotter.

KC teaching Korean kids at school
KC Teacher in action during class.
KC: Can you, like, shut the hell up? Mouth, remember to spit.

MOUTH: Chewing tobacco is pretty cool, and pretty gross at the same time.

KC: Well, we have to chew instead of smoke. And we have to chew instead of eating. Because our effing student Dooly called us fat and gave us an eating disorder.

BRAIN: Maybe we could eat less.

MOUTH: And maybe you could fucking talk less!

EYES: I see our stairs.

KC: Legs, run!

LEGS: I wish I wasn't so short.


(Scene: KC walks into his school.)

EYES: Look, the Korean secretaries are staring at us.

KC: Mouth, say something.

MOUTH: Annyong haseo.

BRAIN: That's Korean for "Hello, how are you?" in case you're wondering.

JUNK: Wouldn't it be funny if everybody was lying to us and we were really saying, "Please blow me."BUTT: You know, we've got a six-hour day of corrupting young minds. We might as well fart.

KC: Dude, I heard blowjobs haven't even been invented in this country yet.

JUNK: Lame. Well, got any hot students?

BRAIN: Incredibly way too young for us. By a decade. Do you want to get chopped off and sent to pound-me-in-the-ass prison?

JUNK: Okay, I'm leaving. Until you teach hot college sluts, I'm not talking.

KC: You know, I'm kind of going to miss him. Well, we're here, we're ready for class, but we've got a few minutes to kill. What should we do?

MOUTH: Eat!

KC: Okay, let's go to the bathroom and wash that Copenhagen chew out of you first.

MOUTH: I feel numb.


(Scene: KC goes to the bathroom.)

BRAIN: Remember when we used to go to the bathroom at our old shitty magazine job and stretch for 30 minutes?

KC: That sucked. Not the stretching, the job.

(Now in the bathroom stall, KC spits out chew and washes his mouth out.)

JUNK: You know. We might as well piss.

(KC urinates.)

BUTT: You know, we've got a six-hour day of corrupting young minds. We might as well fart.

EYES: Um, I heard students in the bathroom.

BUTT: So what? They'll think it's funny and we can bond with them over farts. Everybody loves farts. *PPPPPPLLLLLLIIIPPIIT* Wow, that was a great one.

MOUTH: I think I rattled a filling.

BUTT: Wait for the applause…

EARS: I don't hear anything.

BUTT: Wait for the laughter…

EARS: Still, nothing.

BUTT: Hmm. Maybe they're laughing silently.

BRAIN: How long are we going to stand in the bathroom?

BUTT: Until those kids laugh at my fart! Goll dangit!

EARS: I hear some Korean and they're leaving.

BUTT: What kind of lowbrowed cretin doesn't laugh at a fart like that? It was merciless! It was timeless! It was genius!

BRAIN: Hey bud. They're Koreans. They're weird. They don't like to laugh at farts. They like Tom & Jerry.

LEGS: Back to the classroom.

EYES: Holy shit. Look at all the little Korean children! So many.

FIST: I feel the urge to hit one. Just, you know, to express my dominance.

BRAIN: Normally, I'd advise against it for violence purposes, but it's Korea. So if you want to punch one, go ahead.

KC: Yeah, I'm still not okay with hitting kids. I think it would feel wrong.

BRAIN: Nah, hit the kids all you want. I'm just worried their huge Korean heads would break Fist.

JUNK: Any of your students hot yet?

BRAIN: Does the phrase, "Ten years in prison without internet porn or female-delivered blowjobs" mean anything to you?

JUNK: Later!

(KC waves to a student.)

Korean kids eating lunch at school on metal traysMOUTH: Hi, Cute Sally. How are you today?

EARS: Isn't that just so adorable? She said, "I'm fine, thank you."

KC: Not in a sexual way, but I might love Cute Sally. The way she organizes her pencils and wears pink every day… she's just so cute!

EYES: Oh look, there's Thomas.

KC: Ugh. I hate that fucking kid.

EARS: Oh precious, he just called us Fat Monkey Face.

FIST: Please, let me hit him. Not hard enough to kill him, but at least hard enough that he goes blind.

BRAIN: Just remember, you don't want to scare Cute Sally.

FIST: Yeah, Cute Sally makes up for that fucking shithead Thomas.

KC: I never thought I'd love children so much. But, enough gushing. I guess it's time to take attendance.

(KC calls out a bunch of English names.)

MOUTH: Thomas? …Thomas?

BRAIN: I swear that fucktard is here. Why isn't he talking?

EYES: Holy shit! He snuck up to the desk.

BRAIN: Man, he could buy the guy who invented Ritalin a new skyscraper.

EARS: He's whispering something.

KC: So what.

EARS: He says it's from his hot mom.

JUNK: I'm listening.

EARS: Thomas says to stand up.

LEGS: Okay.

EARS: He says his mom is really pretty, and she wanted to give us this.

BRAINI: I don't know if I like where this is going.

JUNK: @$#!&% Humph.

BRAIN: What's his problem?

KC: I think we just got clipped in the nuts.

JUNK: Oh, nevermind. I guess it doesn't hurt.

MOUTH: Thomas, go sit in your ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuddddddge.

JUNK: You know all those orgasms we used to have? We're not having any more. This is the reverse of orgasm. I can't even fucking quantify how bad this hurts. Right, Brain?

BRAIN:

MOUTH: Sit down and be quiet. I'm going to, um, enter grades.

KC: Guys, I know we're in pain, but don't pass out.

JUNK: Hurts so bad. I hate children.

END

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School

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