Setup: I recently snowboarded in Vail, which is a lot higher up than my former hometown of Bismarck, North Dakota (by about 8,000 feet). I'm fine in sub-zero temperatures, but I'm terrified of heights. Chair lifts are the biggest reason I'm not a snow bunny.

Scene: KC and some friends walk up to Vail mountain's ski resort.

KC: I can't believe I'm doing this.

OLD CLICKY (KC's fake knee): Me either, Sonny. You want to be on crutches your whole life?

MEKANECK (KC's titanium-reinforced neck): <<Kzzz-Ert!>> Logic dictates that you would prefer not to use a wheelchair for the rest of your <<<Ting-Zip>> days.

Snowboards by the doorBRAIN: Plus we don't have health insurance.

FEET: Or know how to snowboard.

KC: But all my friends are doing it.

BRAIN: And all your friends are getting married and having kids. I don't see you doing that.

KC: Yeah, but…

BRAIN: Why don't you save some time, money and effort and just rent some crutches and sit in the lodge drinking beers? Or hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps.

JUNK: Bring on the snow bunnies. I am so fucking excited to see cougars, foreign chicks, young sluts, and whatever else the mountain attracts. These big, goofy pants won't be easy to take off, but once chicks see my skills, they'll be tearing my drawers off.

KC: You see, at least somebody is excited for this. Now the hard part…

(KC straps into his snowboard as he readies for the lift)

OLD CLICKY: Pardon me, whippersnapper. I hope you bought the Costco-sized Icy Hot and Vicodin I asked for.

KC: This isn't going to be that bad. Now how the fuck do these straps work you think?

BRAIN: No clue. The snowboard videos you watched to prepare yourself didn't show the dudes clicking stuff. They just drink and jump over buses.

KC: Snowboarding is like riding a bike. After a few runs, it will all come back to me.

BRAIN: I'm not going to lie, I don't remember us EVER being a good snowboarder. You certainly sucked at skateboarding. This isn't going to be like riding a bike, it's going to be like riding a unicycle. Backwards. In Tokyo.

JUNK: Just do that spin thing in front of some chicks, then we'll go dirty the back seat of the Ford Focus.

KC: There! Got it! One foot strapped in.

MEKANECK: Issuing statement. <<JID-TOOP.>> This is a dangerous situation.

OLD CLICKY: Am I supposed to be sideways? I feel like I should be forward.

KC: You're thinking of skiing, old man. This is snowboarding, it separates the men from the boys.

BRAIN: Yes, everybody knows you're a real man when you pop boners reading the snow report.

KC: It's off to the slopes!

(KC nears the lift)

EYES: Man, that thing is going fast.

KC: And I don't really remember how to move forward with this board when you're not going downhill.

JUNK: I can't wait for the bird's eye view of all this tail…

KC: Ah fuck, I hope nobody makes fun of me if I fall.

(The chairlift hits KC, he naturally sits on the seat and soars about ten feet in the air)


MOUTH: <chatter><chatter><chatter>

STOMACH: I want to barf.

KC: Brain! Comfort me!

BRAIN: The wind could blow us off at any moment. The lift could swing back and forth. A tree branch could impale us. We could fall off the lift. Or be attacked by eagles. Global warming has deeply affected the skiing industry, which means they've cut back on safety measures. These chairlift things are built and serviced by hippies working for free skiing. Never trust a hippie. These giant metal ropes are definitely going to snap. We're going to die. We're going to die. (And Brain just repeats that mantra.)

KC: Junk! Please say something.

JUNK: You know when I said all those things about fucking chicks? I lied. I'm fucking terrified. The Twins and I are going to hide upstairs. Maybe around in the rib cage, where we'll be safe. Wake me up when we're at sea level.

(Junk recedes)

KC in a snowboard vestKC: What the fuck was I thinking? I may have a beard, but I'm not a mountain man. I grew up in the flattest state in the world. Stack three phonebooks on top of each other, and that's the highest point in North Dakota. I'm such a fucking idiot. And this thing just gets higher and higher.

EYES: I'll just close my eyes and we'll imagine we're trapped in a dark, cold, drafty elevator with two other people smoking boatloads of marijuana.

KC: Oh my beautiful green eyes. I'm so happy you're the logical one today.

EYES: Sure thing.

EARS: Hey, your friends are making fun of us.

KC: I don't care. Just think happy thoughts.

BRAIN: How else could we die? There could be a new breed of metal-eating termites? Lightning. Lots of lightning at this elevation. A random plane or helicopter could hit us. Maybe some evil aliens could shoot us like we're the duck game at the carnival…I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

EARS: Eyes, we're supposed to open.

(The chairlift approaches the summit)

EYES: Holy shit this fucking thing is going fast!

BRAIN: I'm going to die. I'm going to die…

KC: Brace for impact!!!

(The lift slows)

KC: Oh. It slows down when you get closer. Legs! Stand!

LEGS: Now?

KC: Fuck! We're going down the hill! Hahaaaa! We're snowboarding.

HAND: We're not actually snowboarding yet. This is just the little incline before you sit down and strap yourself in. That's where the snowboarding takes place. (Hand points over to the slope.)

EYES: Wow. Look at that. Endless miles of trees, mountains, snow, and happy people. It's simply…

BRAIN: Horrifying.

Continue to My Organs and I Snowboard, Part 2 »

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender