« Back to My Organs and I Go on a First Date, Part 1

(Our hero KC and his organs are on their first date with Zee. They are seated at an uber-fancy restaurant making small talk.)

KC (to Zee): Don't you think they should have a course in the philosophy school called "How to be a waiter?" Oh, you minored in Eastern Modern Dance Philosophy? Well, whatever, I studied English, which basically means I'm well-read and completely unemployable.

KC (to Zee): And then I told my intern, "Next time you check your horoscope on the job, hopefully it says, ‘Get a new fucking job, Slacker.'"

KC (to organs): You see, I can do this on my own.

BUTT: I'm itchy and I need to fart.

BLADDER: I need to pee.

GUT: I'm still hungry.

KC: Damn it guys, I'm on a roll here.

BUTT: I can just blow it here.

KC (to Zee): I'm going to hit the little boys room.

(KC enters the bathroom)

JUNK: Ahh, finally. (Chants)  As hard as diamond, as thick as rock, beware me ladies, I am the…

KC: Stop! This is a peeing trip. Butt and Bladder, do your stuff.

BUTT: Flllpouf. So relieved.

BLADDER: Me too.

HANDS: Wash us, um, twice.

(KC returns to the table)

KC (to Zee): They've got cool bathrooms.

BUTT: Just kidding. I really need to fart this time.

KC: WTF? We just were in the bathroom.

BUTT: That was just a warning shot.

JUNK: Hey, why does Butt get to do whatever he wants?

KC: Nobody is doing whatever they want, get it? Hey! Hands, why are you scratching Head?

HANDS: Feels good.
BRAIN: Maybe we have ticks.

KC: I can't take you anywhere.

GUT: Her food looks better. Hands, grab me some fries. And her pickle. That lemon slice too.

MOUTH: Cool. These tastes are fun.

(The check comes)

KC (to Zee): No, I'll get the check. I'll put it on my Points in Case credit card.

BRAIN: Nicely done. Make sure to tip big so Junk might get touched.

KC: Shut up, dukebox. Twenty percent of $37.85 is…

BRAIN: I'm not helping now. 1977. 20XX. Hey, remember that smelly kid in middle school with the rat-tailed mullet? Fourteen. Tango. Niner. Name the five bounty hunters in Empire Strikes Back. Seven, Twelve, point six thousand. Blah blah blah.

KC: You know, Brain, just for that I'm not going to quit smoking pot until I'm 50.

GUT: Awesome, I like candy.

(Back to KC's extra swanky loft)

KC (to Zee): …Yeah, it's a pretty sweet place. Exposed brick. Enough closet space for some of my comics. Um, pretty decent quality doors. Want to watch a movie?

BRAIN: Dude, March of the Penguins is totally a panty-dropper. Do it.

KC (to Zee): So I've got this movie about penguins….

JUNK: Fucking A.

KC: Brain, what a great idea. She's cuddling with me. Great idea.

BRAIN: Do you think penguins fart?

EYES: Oh no. The penguin's egg broke! After all that work. I kind of want to cry.

KC: Absolutely no crying. Oh shit, she's crying.

BRAIN: What a pussy.

OLD CLICKY: Wheeze. Some harlot touched me!

JUNK: Full steam! I could break bricks with this boner. Hands, push her head down. Stat!

KC: Guys, no. You're going to fuck up my program.

BUTT: Oh man, really need to fart now. Looks like a big one.

KC: Oh fudge no.

BLADDER: Totally got to pee.

JUNK: Best woody ever.

BUTT: Fart sequence about to initiate.

KC: Mouth!

BUTT: Pllloughpadoosh.

MOUTH: Cough cough.

KC: Phew. Disaster averted. Hopefully she can't smell.

KC (to Zee): Um. Better hit the bathroom again.

KC: Now get it all out of your system. Except for you, Junk.

JUNK: Peeing with a boner sucks. This is like using the Mona Lisa for rolling papers.

BLADDER: Ahhhh….

KC: Okay, Butt, when I flush the toilet, go ahead and fart, but don't start too early or stop late.

BUTT: Don't worry guy, I'm a pro.



KC: C'mon man. Way too long.

NOSE: Whoa. Smells like sweaty camel nuts.

BUTT: Hold on, got another one. Probably want to cough or sing or stab her in the eardrum for this one.

KC: Fellas, why can't you act like Lungs? He's only forgotten his job a few times in all these years.

LUNGS: Say "No" to smoking.

(Back to the couch)

KC (to Zee): Great documentary, right? You know, I might be related to the narrator, Morgan Freeman.

BUTT: Gotta fart, guy.

KC: C'mon.

(In the bedroom)

HANDS: I really like boobs and butts.

MOUTH: Boobs rule.

BRAIN: Boobs totally rule.

BUTT: Gotta rip one last fart.


KC: Junk, this is your time to shine. Power up!

JUNK: No. I'm mad at you.

KC: Dude, don't be a bitch. Engage.

JUNK: Oh, now you want me to work.

KC: Seriously, there's a girl involved. Up, up and away!

JUNK: It's too much pressure. I like it better when it's just us.

KC: Shut up and do it up.


KC: Yes.


KC: Yes. I command you.

JUNK: I defy you.

(Zee leaves in disgust and disappointment.)

KC: I'll never forgive you for this, Junk.

JUNK: Yeah you will.

KC: I hate it when you're right.


More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender

How to Write Funny Black Friday Bundle Sale
Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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