Rewind the clock an undisclosed time when KC and his Organs only knew 15 years of life and attended Catholic high school (about ten years before Old Clicky, his fake knee, and Mekaneck, his fake neck).

Scene: KC sits in his sophomore English class.

KC: Wow, Eyes, look at Hannah Altman.

EYES: She is so pretty.

KC: I wish she would talk to me.

HANDS: And let us feel her boobs.

MOUTH: I feel this incredible urge to suck on them.

JUNK: Her boobs. They're so big. I have no idea what I'd do with them, but I want to squeeze them. Caress them. Maybe other stuff.

HANDS: Hey, that's my job!

Boner Ranch - 10 miles east
"Wait, who's driving?!"
JUNK: Hands, with what you and me do at night, we're pretty much best friends. For life.

BRAIN: Don't even think about that. It's wrong. It's immoral.

JUNK: I know, but it feels good. Still. Hannah Altman has huge boobs.

KC: Boobs. Hannah Altman's boobs are even bigger than the girls in Sports Illustrated.

JUNK: Shit, I'm totally hard right now. Sorry guys. It will go away. Just quit looking at her and I'll stop.

KC: I would do anything for her.

EARS: Except listen to more Dave Matthews. Please. That shit makes me want to go deaf.

BRAIN: I don't know how such a beautiful girl can like something that isn't Ko?n. That band will be the coolest forever.

KC: If I ever got a tattoo, it would totally be of Ko?n. HANDS: Do you think Hannah Altman will let us feel her boobs, or do you think you need to get married first?

BRAIN: Which reminds me, we need to write more poetry about pain, and suffering. Maybe loneliness.

JUNK: Okay, I'm not longer hard. Hands, not to knock you or anything, but I wonder what it feels like when somebody else touches me? Is it different? I mean, I try to tickle myself, but it's not as funny as when somebody else tickles me. What's it like when somebody who isn't me touches me?

HANDS: It's okay.

EYES: Oh holy smokes! I can see Hannah Altman's bra strap.

JUNK: I'm hard again.

BRAIN: How does one remove a bra you think?

HANDS: I've seen it done in movies. I think it's supposed to be really hard. There's, like, a toggle lock or something.

BRAIN: How does she reach her hands all the way behind her back to fasten it? She must be really flexible.

JUNK: Now I'm really really hard.

EYES and EARS: Holy smokes, dudes. Mrs. Dietz is calling on us!

BRAIN: What was the question?

EARS: Something about Romeo and his star-crossed love with Juliet.

KC: I understand that completely. Let's think of something smart.

MOUTH (aloud): "I think Romeo had it easy. I mean, Juliet lives right next door to him. They're already in love. Sure their parents know about it and try to prevent it, but I'd feel a lot more sympathy for him if Juliet had no clue who Romeo was. Or maybe there was a totally better guy for Juliet than that jerkface quarterback who does nothing but talk about next football season…"

KC (to Mouth): What?! Did you just say that?

MOUTH: Yeah, all on my own. Pretty creative, huh?

KC: No! You buttmunch! Now I sound like a total wussy.

BRAIN: The meek will inherit the earth. The Bible says so.

KC: Oh yeah. I hope the QB will eventually break up with Hannah Altman, and then I'll wait a few weeks or months and swoop in and totally take her to movies and the mall and dances and other things people on dates do.

BRAIN: And how do you know what people do on dates?

KC: Well, if you must know, I watch Saved by the Bell every day.

BRAIN: Oh yeah. That is pretty much like real life.

KC: Do you think, that the rich kids or the jock kids or the nerd kids will ever invite me to their parties and we'll drink alcohol?

BRAIN: I'm not sure. Remember, we took a sip of beer from Dad once.

MOUTH: Beer is so yucky. I don't know how Dad can drink an ENTIRE beer.

BRAIN: Maybe he puts sugar in it.

MOUTH: That would definitely make it taste better.

JUNK: Okay, not hard any more. I'm definitely normal.

HANDS: Do you think Hannah Altman will let us feel her boobs, or do you think you need to get married first?

BRAIN: I think you have to be married to touch boobs. Mostly because we don't have a car.

KC: Smokes. I need to get a car, but I really want to get Demolition Man on VHS first. That movie rules.

BRAIN: Okay, Demolition Man first, then learn how to do a pull-up.

MOUTH: Will she kiss us even though we have braces?

KC: Dummy, you kiss with your lips, not with your teeth.

MOUTH: Oh, good point.

EARS: On Saved by the Bell, they always have music on when they kiss. But crappy music. Do you think we will get to listen to "Blind" by Ko?n when we kiss? Or crappy Dave Mathews?

KC: You see, this is the stuff they SHOULD be teaching us at school. Not Romeo and Juliet!

BRAIN: Once we write our novel about teenage superheroes in North Dakota, William Shakespeare will no longer matter to anyone. This book will be awesome.

HANDS: I'm even learning how to type.

BRAIN: Computer class is pretty interesting.

JUNK: Not nearly enough hot chicks. I mean, think about it. English class there's Hannah Altman, Gina Smith who's got great boobs…

NOSE: And her hair smells nice.

EYES: But she has those huge zits on her neck.

KC: Yeah, those are bigger than mine.

JUNK: Yeah. Gross. But there's also Rachel Bonham, whose boobs aren't very big but I heard Tommy Schwietz touched her butt—her real butt, not her pants or her, um, panties.

BRAIN: What a whore. I could never marry her.

JUNK: Panties is such a gross word.

KC: What kind of underwear does Hannah Altman wear? What does girls' underwear even look like?

BRAIN: Duh, it's just like our underwear. White with an elastic waistband. Just not a hole for peeing.

JUNK: That just doesn't sound cool. What if she doesn't wear underwear?

BRAIN: You have to wear underwear. It's the law. Remember that one time we wore sweatpants without underwear after swimming?

KC: It felt so wrong.

JUNK: I thought it was kind of cool.

KC: Do you think she farts?

BRAIN: No way. Girls don't fart. And besides, farting is like zits. It goes away when you're older.

EARS: Mom farts. And I am pretty sure Mrs. Dietz farts.

BRAIN: I think it's something that only happens once in a while after you're 18. Like zits.

KC: I bet if Hannah Altman did fart, it would smell like Play-Doh.

NOSE: I've smelled a lot of farts, but never one like Play-Doh.

KC: Do you think, there's a reason…

BRAIN: For existence? Yes. Of course. We're here to write our novel. It's going to be the coolest novel ever set in North Dakota. And we're probably here to marry Hannah Altman and lose our virginity to her.

JUNK: In case you're wondering, I'm like steel.

KC: I was actually wondering, is there a reason we're so sweaty?

BRAIN: It's probably just the chicken sandwich we ate.

MOUTH: Those are so good for you. Why would you sweat?

EARS: Dudes! Mrs. Dietz called on us again.

BRAIN: Just make something up.

MOUTH (aloud): "Ummmmm."

BRAIN: Okay, metaphors are things without "like" in them.

MOUTH: So Hannah Altman is a metaphor because she doesn't "like" us?

BRAIN: No, Hannah Altman is a goddess and once the quarterback quits calling her we're going to…

EARS: Dudes! Mrs. Dietz wants us to write a metaphor on the board!

KC: Doesn't she know I have a boner?

BRAIN: How would she know that?

KC: What are we going to do?

BRAIN: Hands, grab our books and cover Junk up. We only need one hand to write on the chalkboard. Junk, tuck yourself into the waistband of our underwear!

HANDS: Got it.

JUNK: This hurts, but I got it.

BRAIN: See, I help you guys out.

EARS: Mrs. Dietz is asking why we have our book with us.

MOUTH (aloud): "Because I love William SHAKESpeare so much, I want to keep him with us all the time."

BRAIN: Great thinking.

KC: But Mouth, why did you crack?

EARS: Lots of people are laughing at us.

HANDS: I'll put the book down and massage our throat. That must be why…

EARS: Now everybody is laughing at us.

BRAIN: Why? I didn't say anything funny.

KC: Because of our huge boner?

JUNK: Dang it. I'm never getting touched by somebody else, am I?


Footnote #1: Hannah Altman (not her real name) never let me feel her boobs. But she got fat, so that's a consolation prize. I guess.

Footnote #2: No, I do not and never have had a Ko?n tattoo.

More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender