So, in honor of the most venerable PIC Hair Week (which apparently lasts two weeks)—I thought I'd take a break from writing about my own hair and write about somebody else's.
You see young lads and lassies, way back when I was a college-aged buck, there was such a thing as females with pubic hair. Revolting, I know. But it's a fact. We also thought Limp Bizkit was cool.
(In my college days, we seriously thought this guy was cool. I know, we were stupid.)
In my early twenties, I sported some interesting trademarks. I'd wear polo shirts with ties, I chewed Big Red gum all the time (especially while swimming) and covered my scalp with the same Stanford cap every day—even though I've never set foot near Stanford.
For whatever reason, my fashion sense still landed me a lady or two.
This particular girl loved giving and receiving oral sex maybe as much as I do. My own blowjob receiving etiquette is amazing—I squirm all over the place as I hold my breath.
This girl was better than me though. She moaned, screamed, cried, begged and called me mean names. Of course, I found this a turn on as well as absolutely hilarious. I don't know what's wrong with me that female orgasms (when delivered by me) are so fucking funny—but that's for Dr. Drew to figure out some day. Also, I enjoyed the eating out process even more because it pissed off my filthy roommate.
On this night, since I was (and still am) a gentlemen, I performed my skills first. Now, I didn't know that in a few short years female pubic hair would be as popular as Fred Durst with Swine Flu, so I didn't find her big hairy red bush offensive.
For a while I listened to her talk like a stuttering elementary school kid trying to read complicated words in front of class. Then she heelkicked me a few times in the ribs—which is fine, I prefer physical abuse rather than mental or verbal. As she orgasmed she pulled my face even farther into the back of her vagina.
Again, I laughed some more, but during one of her thrusts she popped my nose into her pubic bone which instantly made me sneeze a half-dozen times. She liked that feeling of me headbutting her clitoris. I couldn't stop giggling to myself OR sneezing—and she didn't have the decency to at least say "God Bless You"—but she did say something like: "Your tongue was sent from heaven."
After she finished beating me as she came, she pulled me up to her face by the ears and said, "We're skipping the blowjob, I just want to fuck." I thought this was complete bullshit because I just wanted a knobber and then pass out. When I tried to vocalize my opinions, I felt even more naked. Something was missing. My mouth felt wrong. I started feeling around the bed. This was very bad.
My Big Red chewing gum was caught in her hair… um, down there.
I'm pretty sure most gynecologists don't advise sticking cinnamon-flavoring up your Tunnel Of Lust. I really didn't want her to get an infection, and I really really really didn't want to be blamed for that infection.
I also didn't want to spend my naked time doing some home remedy to get gum out of hair—I heard you stick peanut butter on gummed-up hair which would have been the death of any sexual pleasure.
If we banged, I didn't want to get gum on my own pubes, so I made up some bullshit. I told her, "I want tonight to be all about you."
So I returned for a second helping of cinnamon-flavored hairy clam chowder, this time to peel all the fucking Glycerol and Red Number 5 out of her fucking pubic hair as I re-pleasured her (kind of a lot more difficult). I did my best to clear all the residue away. Luckily, she thought the bush-tugging was hot.
Then I was stuck with another decision: what to do with the gum afterwards? I still believed that swallowed gum didn't digest for seven years, but I sure as hell didn't want it in my mouth. I could just stick it under my bed, but I didn't really want that either. So I did the most logical thing: I spat it on my trash-taking-out-loathing roommate's keyboard.
Some more sexual stuff happened, but since this is a family website, I'll leave those details out. I still don't know if this girl ever knew what happened. But then next afternoon, my passive-aggressive shitbag roommate finally confronted me.
"Dude, I get the picture. I'm disgusting. I'll start taking out my garbage. You didn't have to leave gum on my desk." I nodded as if I understood what the hell he was talking about. "But where did you find the red hair to stick in the gum? Your hair is black."