>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
May 8, 2005
Alright, in this scene, you’re playing a READER of an Internet column, and MIKE is the writer. You’re loving this stuff, you think it’s hilarious! Whatever Mike writes, you can’t get enough. You’re rolling on the floor! You are considering a long term relationship with him merely because he gives you orgasmic laughter. And ACTION!
The Reader begins to peruse the column, wondering how long Mike will take this gag. At this point he realizes the self-reflexivity of the previous paragraph and chuckles. Mike continues to make jokes and references that appeal to the film crowd, and loses the majority of his audience. At the last minute however, he wins them back with another skin-bearing photo.
Talking about film is a bit tricky. I run the risk of sounding elitist, off-base, and downright self-absorbed. However, if you’re a fellow film major, you’ll no doubt love this…
If you’re some other major, just come along for the jokes…
If you’re an Army major… um Good luck with all that!
But here’s where it all went wrong…
Riot on the Set!
If you’ve ever run into a film major, easily recognized by the black T-shirt, beret, and constantly framing stuff with his hands, then you’ll notice that we’re a different breed of human. We’re creative, always looking at the world from a different perspective: close up, high angle, low angle, but mostly I’d have to say the Long Shot is the most common… because nobody will ever talk to us… except other Film students… and those guys are pretentious assholes.
So it’s no wonder that film people are always fighting. They’ll brawl, in their own non-physical, emo-glasses stare down style of brawling, over the many decisions that have to be made: Ninjas or Zombies, Suicide or Murder-Suicide, Good Acting or Bad Acting. For some reason it always ends up being the latter. The problem is everyone thinks they’re the next Hitchcock or Scorsese or Tarantino. The reality is that they are the next dick you have to work with in your group project. So whereas you’d like to put him in the credits as Director of Douchebagography, Assistant Director will have to do for now.
“Director of WORTHLESS” is a pretty good burn too.
Film students are constantly in debate over movies: Wingardium Leviosa or Expecto Patronum?
Here’s something you may not know about movies. They’re hard as fuck to make! Take it from someone who just finished a final project in a production class: there is a lot of busy scheduling work in order to get your cast and crew all set and professional. Sound fun? Now double that level of difficulty in order to account for the right-brainedness that us creative types have. I hope that all you business-major left-brains go to the deepest circle of hell where you are forced to finger-paint all day long and make post-modernism critique of your textual elements. Oh wait, you’d like to help produce? Sure! That sounds great. I was joking you know about painting in Hell— How’s that math class coming?
So aside from your crew of amateurs, because we’ve already explained how you can’t stand fellow film fucks, you have your cast… of amateurs. Acting is hard, I know. You have those intense lights on you, the director is shouting “More synthesis, I need more synthesis in your voice.” And on top of that you have to worry about waiting tables your whole life waiting for your big break. But the director is getting really tired of you flubbing your lines, you can tell because he has changed his expression from feigned hipster indifference to glaring hipster cynicism. The only thing saving you from being the one guy who completely ruined his movie… is the fact that he is an amateur as well and forgot to leave the microphone on the entire time. At that point it is courteous to laugh, and say with a playful grin, “FROM THE TOP!”
Because that will be really good on the blooper reel.
Film students are known for their exotic taste in movies. Can’t really blame them, it’s basically their job. The problem arises when they start badmouthing the mainstream fare, and ruining movies for the rest of us. That’s why I’m proud to say that I am not an elitist movie critic like the others… yet. So as I sit in the balance, it’s hard to see what all the fuss is about. Hollywood movies and indie features aren’t really that different after all. Here’s proof:
Titties – Both artistic films and shallow teenage flicks agree, breasts are best!
Johnny Depp – Seriously is there anything he’s NOT in? Oh, Old School? No he’s a pledge.
Explosions – Action movies have them… and so do the artsy ones, in a way, if you consider the 5 minute long voiceover monolog an “explosion” of philosophy.
Adam Sandler – Apparently he got tired of the “Alleyoohooo” voice and decided to get serious.
Unique narrative structure – Oh wait, Hollywood movies rehash the same old shit.
Interesting plots – Oh wait, art films put you to sleep 'cause they suck… UNLESS that was the directors intent…ponder that one for a while.
Film Nerd Fred Says: Actually mainstream Hollywood indeed has adopted many techniques of modernist and experimental film, rendering this last part not so much humorous as factual.
Mikey: AND ACTION!
Actress: Wait, I’m sorry. I just can’t get a grasp of these lines.
Mikey: Oh it’s really easy you just say “I can’t live without you” and then kiss him.
Mikey: The male lead… ME!
Actress: Wait, you’re the director AND the actor? Now that I think about it, where’s the rest of the crew? I don’t even see a camera!
Mikey: No, trust me. We’ll add that in post.