>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
May 15, 2005

Well, my first year at college is officially over: I moved out of the dorm today. As I left the room, I became awash in memories that I'll not soon forget. Like the day I wrote a paper for class, and that other day I wrote a paper for class. And of course there will always be that time I just wasted some time idly. I once took a nap too.

Who am I kidding, nothing remotely fun happened in that place. C'mon people, be honest! The old college hype suckered you in. You did the best you could, but the odds were against you. So keep your chin up, smile when you run into old friends, and constantly tell about that one morning you woke up with two females in your bed….

Feel free to leave out how nothing actually transpired the night before.

This is the column for all the people who DID NOT have fun at college, and aren't afraid to admit it. You know who you are. If you never skipped a class…. If you were the one cleaning up after your party animal roommate…. If the only time you got naked was to take a shower, this is the column for you. You won't find such honest college content anywhere else. Don't you dare touch that web address window.

You may, however, click Refresh. We don't want my jokes to go stale.

But here's where it all went wrong.

Dorma and Greg

Can you spot the “SO college” in this picture? Brooke Burke? Being half naked? The hat with S.C. initials? Actually it's the kid trying way too hard.

One of them is anal and boring, and the other is the same. Hence, there is no dramatic conflict and this will never be a sit-com. The hype needs to end here. Dorms are cramped, smelly, and full of people that you can't stand. Even with such crowdedness, they somehow manage to create a fun vacuum. Don't get me wrong, you had a blast every time your neighbors made popcorn and you got to smell it. Wasn't it rockin' when that one kid did his laundry? And then Steve, oh geez remember how crazy Steve was! He pulled out a bottle of alcohol…and then proceeded to disinfect his scraped elbow with it. I heard he got it by accidentally bumping into boredom in the hallway and then tripping over some utter silence.

Some people tell stories about an annoying hallmate who plays his music or screws his girlfriend too loud. I actually wish that were the case. In my dorm, every one was so polite and non-rowdy, that the Queen of England could have stayed there. And she did on occasion, to visit her boyfriend. I don't know if she's had singing lessons, but that woman can belt out those high O notes, if you know what I'm saying. I'm glad she was just a fling though.

Her taste in music was terrible.

Party Hardly

What if I were to put you in a room with a bunch of people you don't know: lame. Now what if I added booze: getting better, I see where you're going with this. Now what if I played boring music with women who won't talk to you and have you make a fool of yourself: well, there's always next weekend.

Parties and College seem to go hand in hand. Actually it's more like hand in pants…your own…as you sit under the shower wondering how vapid your life has become. And that's assuming you even get in the door. You were supposed to go to a party, have a few drinks, dance, hit up the ladies, and be renowned as the most interesting bachelor among the land. What happened? Well, the ladies went to a different party, your dancing looks like the throes of death, and your few drinks turned into a few stops to allow your stomach to dry heave. That's your body trying futilely to rid itself of guilt.

So where did the Fun go? Ironically, Fun has a midterm tomorrow, so he's studying with a partner back at the dorm—a female partner. Your only hope is that they make some little baby Funs to run around and spread joy in their wake. That won't happen though because Fun is actually a pretty responsible guy.

Watch out for Responsibility though, that guy is insane. Talk about being repressed.

That's SO College!

You know you've heard it someone say it before. The exuberant youth, amazed at his own debauchery, makes a passionate affirmation that his actions are indeed fun and worthwhile. Don't believe him. We all know what is typically known as “college”: drinking, staying up late, playing pranks on your roommate…but I think it's about time that a list of the real “SO College” things emerges:

– awkward elevator silences
– wishing your life was better
– boasting about failing all your classes when you're really making straight A's
– mourning the loss of your innocence
– getting out of shape
– taking down posters of models when your mom visits
– finding out you kind of miss that girl you randomly made out with two weeks ago
– people laughing at you
– conversations with girls
– and nothing more
– hating your major
– rejection

Responsibility: Hey, Fun, you missed out. I threw an awesome party at my dorm last night, dude.
Fun: Aww, no way.
Responsibility: Yes way! Sober got wasted, Clumsy was busting some crazy moves, and Monogamous was triple kissing with two girls.
Fun: How come I didn't know about it?
Responsibility: Honest told me that he called you.
Pretty: Hey Responsibility, you were great last night.