>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
March 27, 2005

Sometimes you can't help but look at a cloudless sky and feel a smile spread across your face. With golden rays making your skin tingle and wind flowing through your hair like a lover's (or barber's) caressing touch, your mind lets go of all its worries and begins to wonder if it has a chance at getting with that girl over there. Yes, you in the big boxy sunglasses and mini-skirt! Don't be shy. I'm feeling out of my league today. It is a glorious day for wishful thinking!

As you read this column I wrote for you, know that here in Austin, it was one of those days. One of those days that turn pessimistic humor columnists into a modern day Keats or Frost. On this day, The Hard Way takes a turn for the bright and cheerful, almost as if life were easy… The Easy Way to enjoying beautiful days!

I know what you're going to say: Mikey has gone soft on us. He's like some kind of female expressing emotions and what not. Indeed I have gentleman, for I will not coop myself up in this wintry cottage of hyper-masculinity any longer! It is time to proceed out of doors and celebrate! COME ALONG!

But here's where it all went wrong!

Pain in the Class

You are viewing picture: “Me, Window, Dorm, Sunshine, and Civil War Beard”

Sadly, it doesn't take much to ruin a good day. College is fun, but all it takes is one ornery professor who insists on having class, a naked fat man, or a nice professor who insists on having class to ruin your beautiful day. If it weren't for having to walk between buildings, I wouldn't ever get to see Mr. Sun. Because he always takes the same path as me, that silly Asian professor!

But seriously, something about that big ball of nuclear fusion just warms you all over and tells you everything is going to be alright! But in classrooms with no windows you freak out and you wish you could be like Superman and just bust through the wall. That's impossible however, cuz everyone knows Superman gets his powers from the sun! So you're sitting there in class, wishing you had skipped, when suddenly you use your X-ray vision and see that people outside are having all kinds of fun! You've hit rock bottom, man. Just about every other super hero but you has a way to get out of that class. And not just the main ones either. Besides Nightcrawler and Cyclops there are lesser known heroes such as The Excuser, and Mr. Absent. BUT NO, you had to be a goody goody and show up for a boring criminology lecture from a TA who's only ability is entrapping you in his Boredom Field. “Mike, Put the comic book away please.”

Bastard! I'll get you some day MINDGAME!

Ideally Idle

Ahhh beautiful day, how I long to remain motionless and bask in your sweet company! I'm afraid I have some things I need to take care of however. I should probably be reading or— What's that? I don't appreciate you? What are you talking about? Did I not just say that I love hanging out with you? It's just that I have priorities. No I've tried that, I can't get anything done when you're around. Whenever I try to study outside I'm too distracted, and besides, people snicker when they walk by.

No I'm not ashamed of you at all. In fact I love being seen with you. You give me this nice glow! Of course you're the only day for me! You saw me with yesterday when I was outside? That day meant nothing to me are you kidding? You're so much prettier than she was. In fact you're getting prettier by the week. Remember last Friday when we hung out? You were so amazing…even better than the day I met you at the beach! What do you mean that wasn't you! How was I supposed to know, she looked just like you! NO baby, don't set on me, c'mon! I can't wait until this summer when you get longer and hotter! Yes, I mean it. What kind of question is that? Would I still love you if youwere all rainy? NO, who wants that? Why can't you just take a compliment! You know what FINE. Maybe I WILL have an amazing night with night! She puts out, honey! Get your shiny hands off me! You know the picnics were cute at first, but Nighttime is Bedtime, baby. And frankly I can't get enough!

Aww I can't stay mad at you. Look at that 24-hour-glass figure!

Impossibilities are Endless

So now that you've cleared your schedule for this glorious day in front of you, how do you fill it? You have no excuse for not making this the most awesome day ever! The first thing that should come to mind is GO GET CHICKS! But you've tried that before and we don't want to set ourselves up for failure! Besides I heard that they're doing their own thing tonight. You know, going out, posing for pictures which they will caption as all five of their names and where they were. “Me, Kelsi, Heather, La-La, and Jen downtown.” Here are some things you might want to try instead:

– Get a pencil and sketchbook, draw what you see.
– Look out for that creepy guy who's drawing you.
– Buy a big triple scoop ice cream cone, let your girlfriend have a lick, and be like “Ooh, you like that don't you.”
– Play a game of pick-up football with the fellas.
Look at the sweat glisten on their well-defined frame.
Teach yourself to play guitar.
– Write a song one day after learning and strum the chorus over and over in the quad until ten students go insane.
– Chat online… but leave the blinds open!
– Ride with the top down, girls: ride with no top at all!
– Work your tan, yeah baby WORK IT WORK IT!
– Sorry, I didn't think you could hear me.

Professor X: Clark, would you please stop staring at that wall and pay attention?
Superman: Blow me!
Storm (eyes glow white): Alright, you asked for it!
Spiderman: I can't stand being all cooped up, it's driving me up the wall!
Hulk: Hey there cutie, what do you say we go to your place and get me angry?
Rogue: Touch me, and you die! …No, really.
TA: Seriously, Mike, put away the comics.