>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
October 30, 2005

Ghouls and Ghosts scream-howl in the night,
The boys and girls shudder with paralyzing fright.
You feel your chest heave, and heart beat with all its might
The pale moon serving as your only light.

The scene is lit for your horrified eyes.
Opened wide, they collect their prized
View of naughty professions. Your butterfinger: KING SIZE.
A poem about candy? Don’t believe the lies.

Your sack hangs low, sings its sorrowed song.
Your love life has been six feet under so long.
You dream of the Sexy Cop handcuffing your dong.

But here, I’m afraid, is where it all went wrong.

Role Play

Halloween is a great holiday for those who can come up with creative costumes. So you try your hardest, measuring out fabric, double-stitching the seams, and practicing your voice work to best imitate Garth Algar’s voice pattern. What nobody told you is that “creative” is of course a euphemism for everyday occupation turned slutty or lame nostalgia reference. You’ll lose out to the slutty postal worker or Donatello costume any day. Well any day that is the last one in October.

Sometimes it doesn’t even matter that others are decked out in “Oh I so used to watch that show” attire. Sometimes it’s not the AC Slater that’s beating you out, but rather the guy who shows up looking like a bulked up jock douchebag, and he’s not even in costume. Having the best costume only wins you lots of “Oh that is so clever” or “I wish I had thought of that.” But the truth is, it’s often hard to even hear these compliments when they’re being choked out by an undeserving lug who arrived with no attire and is only losing more as the women claw off the tattered shreds of his pink, pop-collared polo. If you’re lucky you might end the night with more candy than him.

I would give 100 Grand to have those girls on me.

Scare Tactics


“I'll give you a slasher movie, bub.

Without even considering the lame Halloween puns that make you want to go BOOOOO, there’s plenty of annoying things to hate on this date of hate. Some of your friends might keep up the old traditions of carving pumpkins and such, and that’s cool. I’m more worried about the friends that keep up the tradition of sucking big time. The latter includes those who couldn’t give two shits about Halloween, except in some little kid’s pumpkin bucket. Show some spirit for crying bloody murder out loud. There’s just something in the air that makes your hair stand on end with spine-tingly fun. Or maybe it’s just that shitty cottony web stuff you see with one or two plastic spider rings.

That being said, Halloween can be done wrong. Such as when your RA puts up cheesy decorations on your door. Or when kids think they’re badass because they stomped on some gourds and hurled eggs around. Holy shit not the produce! You carve out a nice jack-o-lantern portrait of your girlfriend, and next thing you know it’s lodged in some mini-van’s axle. The car rolls over, spilling out trick-or-treaters who would have died from the poison candy anyway. The scene explodes into flames and their faces turn whiter than the toilet paper they used to wrap their math teacher’s house. Just go around asking for candy like everyone else you ass.

Until you get my age, and ask for ass from Candi.

Knife and Death

Some people are TOO into the Halloween spirit though. All the blood and gore freaks who ensure that the TV stations go into 24-hour horror movie marathons that are well… horrible. As one devoted to comedy genre, it is natural that I’m less inclined to like horror. Especially since most of them are just stupid rather than scary. And I will stab repeatedly the next person who says that’s the point…while wearing a mask… right after he has gratuitous sex. I won’t be playing any stringy violin music unfortunately. I don’t want you to know when I’m coming.

I don’t have to feel scared to enjoy Halloween. I love the holiday for its own sake: candy and costumes. Sometimes I wish I could dress up like candy. But then they made those silly M&M suits and beat me to it. I think Halloween should be spent with a loved one. What could be more perfect than getting a special treat while trick-or-treating? Or getting sugar from your sugar? Or sweethearts from your sweetheart? Take her back to play some Candy Land.

And show her the milky way.

Mikey: Trick or Treat!
Girl: Oooh what are you supposed to be?
Mikey: Someone who wants to make out with you.
Girl: I’ll give you a Hershey’s kiss.
Mikey: I’ll take it.

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