>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
December 1, 2004
It's going to take me a while to digest this shitty, shitty week and try and find the humor in it, so I went to my favorite trove of material, CNN.com, and threw together an article about people and things that make me furious.
Ever read a headline and just KNOW that the story is going to piss you off? Some of you rimjob-giving pansies might find solace in the fact that Bush won, alcohol prices are going up, and people want to make the “Guhbernahtor” into the “Preshidentatore.” Others of you would just throw the paper to the floor and go back to maniacally masturbating to pictures of Clay Aiken.
As a humor writer, however, it is my job to put myself through terrible situations just to mine out whatever humor might be there for whichever two people are still listening.
Before I go on, I'd like to mention that I accept the fact that not everyone likes my writing. As far as I am concerned, you can all go fuck yourselves with a snowshovel. I don’t even think most of my friends read what I write, so I am perfectly fine with people I don’t know hating me. Just stop asking me when my next article's going up and what it's going to be about. The answer is late Wednesday night and go fuck yourself again. Maybe try something different than a snowshovel even.
“Now these Pink Floyd kids want their duckets. Apparently being involved in social uprising and one of the most influential, kickass albums ever is not enough.”
Now that I’m good and worked up, let’s talk about recent articles on CNN that have pissed me off:
Ask About It at Work
For those of you worried that the AFLAC duck isn’t getting enough attention, he/she/it/whatever appears in the Jim Carrey movie, “Lemony Snicket is a Bastard to Some Children.” I shit you not, this was newsworthy enough to be on CNN. Apparently no one had the common sense to hook possible terrorists up to batteries this week and make some real news.
The story goes that the director, Brad Silberling, actually sought the duck out and petitioned AFLAC for its use. Apparently, the duck is launched off a boat. Don’t worry you worthless, hippie animal lovers, the duck doesn’t die. Ducks can swim and fly, retard.
Al Johnson, AFLAC's vice president of advertising and branding, said that the duck will be identifiable, but it won't be heard squawking its usual AFLAC plug.
Johnson said the company liked the implicit message. “This is what AFLAC is all about: being there for people when unfortunate events happen,” he said.
I’m sure it will work out well. After all, the duck is identifiable.
Give it time. Let it sink in.
OkherewegoIcan’tholditiinanymore: A duck?! A white fucking duck is identifiable? How the hell can it be identifiable without its stupid catchphrase?! It’s not like it has a little hat like that gay forest ranger bear or have a skateboard like that gay ass cereal bear. It’s just a WHITE DUCK!
I hope all your clients cancel their insurance, Mr. Johnson. In fact, I’m going to hire the Asian Smoking Consortium that convenes outside Wells Hall to all come and punch you in the face. See if you can identify which one of them is originally from Hawaii.
I’d go to the theater and find out if any SANE person would recognize the white waterfowl, but my PIC expense account is being audited already for an article I’m working on about transsexual midget strip clubs.
Speaking of money…
We Don’t Want Your Education; We Just Want Your Money
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said something like that in the long journey that is my college experience, I’d have enough to pay off all my fucking loans and take time off to work on my rap album that I’m doing on the side with Ron Artest.
Remember “The Wall”? I doubt that any of us were even born when this album came out. I know for a fact that we have a lot of high school readers, so unless you’re a senior from Arkansas…. Too easy, I’ll let it go.
I’m guessing that you all discovered this music about the same time I did: those angry teenage years where no one understands you except rock and roll. I miss those years, I had a reason to be angry. Bitterness is just not as sexy.
Anyway, back to the story, remember the kids with the funny accents that sing along with the controversial lyrics? They were kind of creepy. I always wondered where they got them from. Now the mystery is explained…sorta. Some school teacher thought it would be educational to put a bunch of kids on a bus and take them to a recording studio to hang out with Pink Floyd. I would have LOVED to see that permission slip.
The kids were quickly banned from appearing in video or on television by their headmistress who must have had a housecat up her ass. She had the nerve to call the recording “scandalous.”
And now these kids want their duckets. Apparently being involved in social uprising and having a part in one of the most influential and kickass albums ever is not enough. Sure they may have been exploited a little, but you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
I’m not sure who makes me madder, the headmistress who banned the children from being officially associated with this album or the douchebag kids who are crying for money. They’re all going to get a couple hundred pounds (which is what the devil uses for money) and then they can get back to being pathetic nobodies. Congrats.
Possibly the most worthless “news” story I could have ever read:
“Velvet Teddy Bear” Goes to the Teddy Bear Hospital
The heading of this section is so cute I think I’m going to hurl (and I wrote it).
I don’t watch American Idol or any other reality TV shows, so don’t feel bad if you don’t know who he is either. He’s the large black man who “won” a couple seasons ago on American Idol, the show that will bring about God’s wrath and Final Armageddon on us. Aka Ruben Studdard.
I think he had the flu or something, I couldn’t say for sure, I just skimmed the article, because I am a soulless, selfish bastard who thinks only about himself.
Never one to let a moment like this pass, I’ll toss out some more zingers for you:
• His new album is called “I Need An Angel.” Its subtitle is, “When that angel gets here it better have a couple large pepperoni pizzas and some malt liquor, beeatch.”
• His doctors say he’s recovering nicely, but cautioned the avid singer to take it easy on Turkey Day. “We wouldn’t want our teddy to eat so much stuffing that he bursts.” (I’m going to forever deny I ever wrote this.)
• Fearing that the public would soon forget who he is, just like they did to Jodie Sweetin, Ruben is trying to get on TV as much as possible. His audition for “The Biggest Loser” didn’t get off to a good start though. The trainer threw up his hands in failure saying, “He looks like he ate the fat Oprah, what am I supposed to do with that?”
• The nickname “Velvet Teddy Bear” is starting to wear a little thin. His managers are considering “Stretch Pants Grizzly” and “Need A Crane To Get To The Stage Snookie Wookims.”
If I knew Mr. Teddy Bear, I would start putting Ex-Lax in all of his food. If he had any real friends they would tell him to “put the fucking cookie down, fatass.”
In closing I’d like to say that I will no longer be eating cheese and crackers before bed because last night I had a dream about a cute girl in my ad class. I don’t remember much about the dream except she had tiny feet, was wearing ballerina slippers and had a hairy chest. Yes, it was the cheese and crackers. Jesus.
Coming soon: Finals frivolity and why Tim Allen deserves to die.