Made famous by that one scene in The Water Boy where Adam Sandler tackles his professor, the Medulla Oblongata is responsible for several major autonomic functions of the body. What does autonomic mean? The Encyclopedia Britannica tells us it means "to control homeostasis," which if put into layperson language means "looks like an alien's dick."

Cock and balls diagram

So what does our brain's extraterrestrial shwang do? Well, first off, the Medulla Oblongata greatly affects the way we drive by controlling our reflexes. But, it is so dick-like that girls do not even have one, and if they do, it's secreting oblong fluid into their eyes, completely blurring out red lights and stop signs and making them oddly attracted to the rear ends of cars.

Thus, let it be known that the Medulla Oblongata—not Lil Jon—was the first to skeet, skeet, skeet, mothafucka. Whether or not it has made all these bitches crawl is yet to be discovered.

There are many more autonomic functions regulated by the Medulla Oblongata, five of which are listed below with a definition of what they do, and how you can use each to get laid.

1. Respiration

Studies show that when partners breathe in sync during intercourse it subliminally creates an aura of connectivity, which, as we all know, bitches crave.

TIP: Follow female prospect around, breath on neck. Tell police it's for science.

2. Heart Rate

Your heart is responsible for pumping blood throughout your body via two cardiac pacemakers governed by the pneumogastric nerve. The faster it pumps, the hotter you'll get, and the hotter you'll make anyone you happen to be embracing.

TIP: Blast female prospect with fire extinguisher, use heightened heart rate to make her warm; play "Hero Card." Commence thrusting.

3. Blood Pressure

Blood + flaccid penis = erection.

TIP: Present Medulla Oblongated penis to female prospect. If questioned, you suffer from Medulla Oblonganitis, a rare disease that makes your penis unnaturally large and capable of unworldly pleasure.

4. Reflex Arc

By mediating monosynaptic reflexes to the muscle spindle via sensory neuron, the Reflex Arc allows us to do things like dance, run, and punch out that douche bag who's hitting on your female prospect.

TIP: Punch out douche bag hitting on female prospect; acquire access to boobies via badass appeal.

5. Vomiting

Intracranial pressure on the lateral medullary reticular formation in the brain stem stimulates receptors on the floor of the fourth ventricle of the brain, thus inducing oral projectiles.

TIP: If vomiting presents, explain using above paragraph; acquire access to boobies via smart guy appeal.

There you have it—the medulla oblongata. The only warning I have is to not utilize these five functions at the same time. If you do, you may find yourself breathing so heavily that your heart rate skyrockets sending gallons of blood to your penis which grows and grows until it whacks you in the neck creating a reflex in your jaw that makes you puke all over your female prospect.

Unless she's into that.*

*Note: she's not into that.

More in the "Using Your Brain to Get Laid Series":
How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Cerebellum)

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.