>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
August 22, 2004

***Here's an Olympic event for you. There's a mistake hidden somewhere in this column. Not the usual 600 or so mistakes I throw in because I'm too lazy to fact-check. There's one glaring error. If you notice it, print it in the send/read feedback thingy at the top, and you shall win a prize: my respect. Okay, I won't respect you. After all you're detectiving for mistakes in a humor column on the Internet. Don't you have anything better to do? Oh, and detectiving isn't the mistake. And it IS a word!***

Ahh, the Olympics. The finest athletes in the world competing on the biggest stage. Fighting for honor, faith in one's country, the chance to cement themselves in a place of historic reverence. And so on and so forth.

The Olympics are supposed to be a spectacle. They are supposed to happen on a grand scale. But here we are knee-deep in the 2004 Games, and simply put, I haven't been this disappointed since Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. This year's Olympics have been a painstaking suckfest, the likes of which we haven't seen since SNL sans Will Ferrell. So what went wrong? Why did the biggest stage of sport bellyflop into ESPN2 oblivion? I've found some answers.

*The Greeks
If you got a bunch of your buddies together in your living room and watched the games, it would be a higher draw than the audience at the events live. Jesus, Greeks, it's not like these are your games or anything! Wasn't it supposed to be a big deal that the birthplace of the Olympics would be hosting them once more? Stop making gyros or whatever you guys do and go watch a game. For Christ's sake, we've had Olympics in Atlanta and Salt Lake that were successful! Atlanta and Salt Lake! Atlanta couldn't sell out a boxing match between Jesus and Mel Gibson.

*Too Many of the Games are Pointless
You know that one friend who is kind of an idiot, but every so often will say something funny? So people chuckle a little, and then the idiot thinks he's Dave Chappelle and spends another half hour trying to recapture his comic glory? That's what the Olympics are like. Fencing is cool, but do we really need three separate fencing events? Why are there eight swimming events? Why are there five archery events? Then there's the simple fact that we couldn't give a rat's ass about most of the sports. Ballroom dancing? Badminton? Handball? I'd rather watch two dogs fight over a used condom. Actually, that would be mad entertaining! Oh, you know you would watch it!

*Why the blue hell isn't football an Olympic event?
I'm not even going to justify this with a paragraph. Besides, my fingers are starting to hurt.

*Phelps
I've heard just about enough of this guy. No, I'm not going to rag on him for not winning 63,410 gold medals like every sportswriter assumed would happen because Speedo pimped him like the dude was born with a fin. (Science note: A shark's penis is called a dork. Isn't that fascinating? Tell your fifth grade science teacher what you learned. She'll be thrilled.) It's hard work to win any medal, and everyone's dissing this poor bastard because he couldn't swim the 400 while curing cancer and sneezing with his eyes open at the same time. People need to realize that winning a medal is tough. But come on. It's swimming. How can swimming be a big deal? The only swimming event should be “Don't Drown.”

*Carly Patterson
She's hot. I don't care if she's 16. She's hot in that I-want-to-give-her-a-bath-in-the-kitchen sink sorta way. Is that wrong? I don't care. I love these gymnast girls. Oh man. I can't even on focus on writing the rest of this article. I need a nap…

…Hi this is Justin's bottle of Aquafina speaking. How ya doin? I'm good, thanks for asking. Oh you didn't ask? Well screw you, bitch. You'd be a dehydrated lump of dogshit if it weren't for me and my purified goodness. Asshole prick, shit…hey….dammit Justin…

…Sorry about that guys. I shouldn't let Aquafina near the keyboard. Okay, enough hopelessly inane sidetracking. Back to the column.

*USA Basketball
Hey, every other sports writer has taken shots at Larry Brown's collection of suck, why not me? (Because I'm not a sportswriter? Thanks for dashing my dream. I'm going to go burn my skin.)

First of all, allow me to say I was looking forward to this year's Dream Team IV: A New Hope. I like the Lebron-Carmelo era. Tim Duncan's probably the best player in the NBA right now. The only player I dislike is Allen Iverson. Amazing. They assembled an entire team of NBA players and I only hate one of them. That's amazing.

That said, sweet merciful Red Auerbach, USA Basketball is garbage. Is anyone else rooting against them? If anything, USA Basketball shows us everything wrong with the surly, arrogant, posse and thug-infested NBA. Look at the way Argentina and Lithuania play. They pass the ball. They shoot. They're slightly more fun to watch, than say, crust forming at the top of your mustard cap (for those scoring at home, it took me 3:48 to come up with that metaphor). The NBA now is as boring as the first hour of Troy and as non-sensical as the last. All you need to do is watch ESPN Classic games from the 80's or college games to see a difference. Even if they win the gold, isn't that like the Yankees winning the Series? Everyone expects it, where's the thrill? The way I see it, they can make Olympic basketball more exciting by either 1. Getting rid of NBA players. In fact, do this in every sport. I don't want to watch pros on vacation in exotic locales. B. Making the team all white guys. That would level the playing field.

Okay, there's your obligatory Olympics column. I've been having loads of trouble coming up with conclusions to my columns lately, so I had a brainstorm, or what the popo calls, a “pipe dream.” From here onward, I shall put the stupidest or funniest or most insightful section of my feedback section and send you all out in a blaze of glory. Pretty smart, huh? Not pandering in the slightest? Not insulting to your intelligence, right? RIGHT? Now, find the goddamn mistake, idiots.

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