Watching the Oscars for me is a lot like watching porn. Occasionally something great and climactic happens, but eventually you are just left disappointed with a big wad on your hand. In a related note, don't you just hate when you think you have a great metaphor, but the more you explain it, the crappier and less tangible it sounds? So there's nothing you can do except reference how bad of a metaphor it was and hope your reader just thinks you're really clever and not hopped up on PCP?

Where was I?

Last year's Oscars were an emotional roller coaster. The high point for me was that fat fuck who directed Bowling for Columbine (last year's second best film) pissing off anyone and everyone, as well as Barbara Streisand swallowing her tongue upon reading that Eminem was now an Oscar winner. But there were low points, namely Chicago winning Best Picture and scoring Brownie points for homosexuals everywhere. I still stand firm in my belief that musicals should not be nominated as movies. Filming a musical doesn't make it a movie, let alone a great movie. My eyes are starting to bleed so here's a quick rant on musicals, bulleted for your pleasure.

They are gay.
The acting sucks.
• The special effects suck.
They have no plot. What the hell is with Stomp anyway? Banging on a trash can shouldn't be considered high theatre.
They are really, really gay. Like riding a bicycle without a seat and enjoying it gay.

Whoo. I feel better now. Ok, here are my Oscar picks, including a special addition as to who I think should have been nominated.


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Shohreh Aghdashloo in HOUSE OF SAND & FOG (DreamWorks Pictures)
Patricia Clarkson in PIECES OF APRIL (United Artists)
Marcia Gay Harden in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
Holly Hunter in THIRTEEN (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
Renee Zellweger in COLD MOUNTAIN (Miramax)

I have a confession, I haven't seen any of the above movies, and have only heard of three. So, much like most people do it, I'll just root for the person I most want to bang. That would be Renee Zellweger, who was in her banging prime during Jerry Maguire and putting on a little weight for her role in Briget Jones' Diary. I don't get it, I love really skinny girls, but some girls look better with the weight on, like Jennifer Aniston in early Friends and that girl Hugh Grant hooks up with in Love, Actually. (More on that movie in a bit.)

PICK: Renee Zellweger
PERSONAL PICK: Scarlett Johanssen, LOST IN TRANSLATION


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alec Baldwin in THE COOLER (Lions Gate Films)
Benicio Del Toro in 21 GRAMS (Focus Features)
Djimon Hounsou in IN AMERICA (Fox Searchlight)
Tim Robbins in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
Ken Watanabe in THE LAST SAMURAI (Warner Bros.)

The only one I've seen is Last Samurai, a solid movie. But I'm still bitter at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor (not so much the event as the Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett 3 hour shitstorm of a couple of years ago). So I'll pick Alec Baldwin. He looked like he did a good job judging from the one commercial I've seen for the movie.

PICK: Alec Baldwin
PERSONAL PICK: Seann William Scott, AMERICAN WEDDING


BEST DIRECTOR

Fernando Meirelles for CITY OF GOD (Miramax)
Peter Jackson for THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING (New Line Cinema)
Peter Weir for MASTER & COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (20th Century Fox)
Sofia Coppola for LOST IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)

Clint Eastwood for MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)

I refuse to pick Lord of the Rings for this, or any, category. My money's on Clint Eastwood. Beside the fact that it looks like a badass movie, and Clint Eastwood is a real badass anyway. What is Sofia Coppola even doing here? Sure Lost in Translation was a great movie, but didn't Hollywood exile her after Godfather 3?

PICK: Eastwood
PERSONAL PICK: Whoever directed Love Actually, that movie kicked ass. Please don't take away my man card.


BEST ACTOR

Johnny Depp in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (Buena Vista)
Ben Kingsley in HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG (DreamWorks Pictures)
Jude Law in COLD MOUNTAIN (Miramax)
Bill Murray in LOST IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)
Sean Penn in MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)

Johnny Depp was badass in Pirates, an otherwise average movie, but he was only the second best part of that. The best was introducing the world to Keira Knightley. Hot damn, she's a piece of ass. Gimme a sec to dwell on the hotness of Keira Knightley.

Seven minute intermission….

Ok, back. Ok, now I can focus again. My pick goes to Bill Murray, which leads me to my top five Bill Murray performances:

5. Wild Things
4. Lost in Translation
3. Caddyshack
2. Ghostbusters
1. Groundhog Day (STRIPES would have been on here, but I've never seen it–I'm ignorant I guess)

PICK: Bill Murray
PERSONAL PICK: Nemo from FINDING NEMO


BEST ACTRESS

Keisha Castle-Hughes in WHALE RIDER (Newmarket Films)
Diane Keaton in SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE (Columbia Pictures)
Samantha Morton in IN AMERICA (Fox Searchlight)
Charlize Theron in MONSTER (Newmarket Films)
Naomi Watts in 21 GRAMS (Focus Features)

Again, I haven't seen any of these movies, so that leaves chick I most want to bone. Hey, I don't make the rules. Samantha Morton freaked me out in Minority Report so she's out. Diane Keaton's too old. That Whale Rider chick is like 10, and the cops have been watching me like a hawk since my Hilary Duff article. So that leave Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts. I would give my left nut and rent out my right one for a shot at either. But I hear Charlize is a butch lesbian in her movie, so I'm going with Naomi. I'm telling you, rent Mulholland Drive. The movie is a goddamn sham, but Naomi has a lesbian full frontal nude scene that's just amazing. Seriously, when I returned the DVD to Hollywood Video there was significant wear on the track from me playing that scene so damn much.

PICK: Naomi
PERSONAL PICK: J-Lo from GIGLI (Kidding! I'll go with my girl Reese Witherspoon in LEGALLY BLONDE 2, one of the worst movies I've ever seen, but she's so fine.)


BEST PICTURE

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING (New Line Cinema)
LOST IN TRANSLATION (Focus Features)
MASTER & COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (20th Century Fox)
MYSTIC RIVER (Warner Bros.)
SEABISCUIT (Universal Pictures)

Let's see. The only one I've seen is Translation, which was good but was more The Bill Murray Show, not a best picture. You already know how I feel about the Rings. Seabiscuit is a sports movie, which scores points but it's about a horse. I can't see myself getting worked up over a horse. Maybe a dog or a monkey. Master and Commander looked cool, but had Russell Crowe, who's a real dick. Mystic River is set in Boston, so I'm gonna pick that one.

PICK: MYSTIC RIVER
PERSONAL PICK: LOVE, ACTUALLY


Ok let me set something straight about Love, Actually, a movie I mercilessly made fun of prior to seeing for being just another dumbass chick flick with Hugh Grant. For whatever reason, a few of my whipped guy friends were dragged to see it, and raved about it to me, so I saw it. Let me tell you, it's amazing. You all know how much I am against the Chick Flick movement, and I still stand tall that women shouldn't vote. (Kidding! Oh, stop writing letters!) But Love, Actually was the best movie that I've seen all last year, yes, better than Bad Boys 2! (Again, kidding, Bad Boys 2 made me wanna jab my eye sockets out.) See Love Actually, strictly for the old British pop singer who's all pissed off at the world, the following line all by itself it worth the price of admission.

RADIO GUY: Who was your all time favorite shag?
AGING POP STAR: Britney Spears. Oh, I'm just kidding. She was rubbish.

Great movie, and it's got tits, so there ya go.

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