Have you ever had a long day? Just one of those mind-numbingly long, nothing-goes-your-way sorta days? One where as time elapses your bed becomes an increasingly welcome recluse? Well, that's how I felt on this particular day.
Houston, we have lift-off! And…cleanup on Launchpad 4, please.I was hungry, I had a headache, and what's even worse, it seemed like every woman I knew had a secret covenant to try and make my life a living hell. It got to the point where I was imagining the texts they were sending to each other in between bitching at me incessantly.
It was under this mindset that I sat at my computer this evening, casually perusing Facebook, European soccer news, Gmail, and other frivolous websites. I was reveling in the mindlessness of it all when I got the following IM:
quen3ch1 (9:02:01 PM): can you really fart on command?
MarinetheAss (9:04:21 PM): who dis
quen3ch1 (9:04:28 PM): have you ever hard of thefartvideo.com?
quen3ch1 (9:04:36 PM): i just read your column lol
I mean my farts aren't as numerous anymore, but I have days when I'm dropping N-A-S-T-Y bombs all day.Stop. Freeze frame. At this point in the conversation two very important things have already occurred. The first, if you didn't realize it, is that this individual is referencing a series of stories I wrote that talked about how when I was in middle school I had the ability to "fart on command." This has a harrowing effect on me—that is to say I was immediately, viscerally, without any rumination on the subject, flattered. To preface the situation a little more, I've been IMed by fans before, wanting to know this or that about a story, or to revel in its non sequitur, so I assumed that this was just another such occasion.
Unfortunately that leads me to the next important thing that occurred; thefartvideo.com reference, and the fact that I completely ignored it. All I can tell you is that I just thought of it as some vague pop culture snippet I was no doubt unaware of that was somehow loosely related to my story. I should reiterate that the fact that I was then immediately flattered probably didn't hurt in focusing my attention away from it. This proved to be my downfall.
MarinetheAss (9:04:54 PM): haha
MarinetheAss (9:04:57 PM): well then u should know
MarinetheAss (9:05:00 PM): that ability left me long ago
quen3ch1 (9:05:05 PM): thats fn crazy
quen3ch1 (9:05:09 PM): lol no shit what happened?
MarinetheAss (9:09:36 PM): i lost my farting abilities
MarinetheAss (9:09:39 PM): at the end of the year
MarinetheAss (9:09:42 PM): they left as quick as they came
Okay, so, at this point I am explaining the end of the story to him. I did find it a little odd that this guy would be so interested in my story and yet seemingly unfamiliar with the ending, but it didn't really resonate with me to be frank.
quen3ch1 (9:10:07 PM): lol damn that sucks, maybe your talent will come back haha, its never tool late for a comeback! lol haha
MarinetheAss (9:17:47 PM): haha
MarinetheAss (9:17:49 PM): i have some spurts
MarinetheAss (9:17:54 PM): when i can make the magic happen
quen3ch1 (9:18:47 PM): haha nice
quen3ch1 (9:19:16 PM): how many times do u fart in those spurts, lol
MarinetheAss (9:19:39 PM): i mean they arent as numerous
MarinetheAss (9:19:54 PM): but i have days when im dropping N-A-S-T-Y bombs all day
MarinetheAss (9:20:00 PM): u can IM my roommate and ask him
quen3ch1 (9:20:28 PM): lol haha
MarinetheAss (9:20:41 PM): persiangold27
So at this point you might be thinking this is getting a little ridiculous. I want to state for the record that I am being completely genuine when I tell you what was going through my mind, because you need to realize how innocent I truly was. I like fart humor, I can't deny it, and I was probably hamming it up a little for his benefit. Again, I was thinking of this guy as a fan, someone who enjoyed my work enough to look up my screen name and IM me. I will freely admit it was vain of me; I don't think there's any way I could argue otherwise. If you fault me for that, I accept your lament. But it was nothing more than, in my mind, two guys yucking it up over some bathroom humor.
quen3ch1 (9:21:57 PM): where do u live at maryland?
MarinetheAss (9:22:06 PM): bmore
MarinetheAss (9:22:10 PM): what about you
quen3ch1 (9:22:22 PM): philly
MarinetheAss (9:22:25 PM): tru
Now, I got the internet at a very young age. I was obsessed with chatrooms and instant messaging by the time I was 12 years old (1995). I come from a digital era that was filled with people randomly IMing "a/s/l" as a virtual greeting. You might think that telling a person you JUST met over the INTERNET where you live is stupid/ridiculous/unrealistic, but in my mind it was harmless. A bit of small talk between a gifted writer and one of his less talented fans.
What he IMed me next, however, shook me to the core of my being. It is so unfathomable in its wretched horror that I can say no more of it except that, even in my naivety, I do not think that I deserved this.
quen3ch1 (9:23:01 PM): My name is Isaac, and I have a proposal for you. I just wanted to know if this is something that you would be open minded to do. It's a complete shot in the dark but I thought I could ask anyways. what the hell.
I was wondering if you would be possibly open to rip farts on my head/face? I have a fetish where I actually get turned on hearing a guy or girl fart. It's just a weird fetish that I've had my entire life.
I'm a real chill and down to earth guy. I'm only 25 years old, white..
I'm a pothead and stoner, completely harmless bro.
I would be down to give you cash upfront if this is something you think you would be down to do. How much would you want?
This isn't anything sexual. . I just want your farts.
this is 100% serious and real. the only i would probably want to do is jerk off (under a blanket, i wont see anything) thats it.
Please let me know if are interested. I have a pic I can send you.
If your offended or not interested, thats no problem dude. Like I said it was a short in the dark. But if you fart a lot and want to make some money then I think it's something you should definately consider bro.