Monday morning I woke up in a fog to my shitty cell phone alarm. Every time I hear that thing go off it makes me relish the days I experienced as a cutter, when I had a quick fix to any pain I felt. If I ever go to a concert and hear Mozart's "Ode to Joy," I'm going to pierce that conductor's rectum with his baton.

Rich people can afford anything to spice it up. I'm getting by on homemade tennis ball-on-a-string anal beads.After my initial rage, I daintily sauntered into my bathroom past my female roommate, who unsuccessfully tried to ignore my obvious erection. With my eyes still half shut, I grabbed my toothbrush and my tube of paste. Midway through the brushing I noticed my Crest toothpaste had apparently gone sour. I grabbed the tube to check the expiration date. Much to my horror, I realized that it was not toothpaste at all, but my roommate's VAGISIL!

JESUS. CUNTSUCKING. CHRIST.

Tube of VagisilI quickly scrambled through my medicine cabinet to find my mouthwash and the real toothpaste. I suddenly realized that the entire thing was FILLED with Vagisil and other pussy creams. What the fuck is this girl's problem?! Does she literally bake loaves of bread with her yeast infections? Seriously, take a pill, or wipe down all of the homeless men's schmegma-filled cocks before you let them inside of you. I couldn't find anything to get the taste out of my mouth so I just drank a cup of water and headed to work.

This is easily one of the most disgusting things that has ever happened to me, but like everything else in my life, I'm trying to make the best of it. I figure if worse comes to worst, and my filth ever takes its delayed effect on my girlfriend, I can save her money and the trip to CVS. I'll just go down on her right then and there and spit some medicine right up in her.

This experience obviously got me horny, and all I've been able to think about for the last few days is sex. I love it. I enjoy it. I have it quite regularly. Last night I was watching the movie A Perfect Murder while switching to True Lies during commercial breaks. Interesting mix I know, but nothing makes my dick pulse purple like Gwyneth slobbing down a seemingly melting Michael Douglas, and then switching to Arnold's bulging biceps saving a pre-pubescent but still smoking hot Eliza Dushku. Even at 11 she had some dick sucking lips. (Wow, I need counseling.)

Ducktales crew diving in to moneySo anyway, because Gwyneth was such a cheating slizz bucket in that movie, it got me thinking… How the fuck could a rich person ever have a bad sex life with their mate? How is that fucking possible? There's literally no excuse for them to have dry, boring coitus and be driven to cheat. They can afford anything to spice it up. THINK ABOUT IT…ANYTHING! I'm getting by on homemade tennis ball-on-a-string anal beads, as well as dildos made from the legs of my chairs (I'm a hell of a whittler ;). These people have unlimited resources.

Here are a few scenarios I've thought up that were inspired by the movies or by my general insanity.

1. You can buy/rent a helicopter and forcefully kidnap your significant other. After the initial Chris Brown-level beating you lay upon her while whispering sweet sweet rape threats into her ear, you fly her to a remote island blindfolded and gagged. Upon landing, you drag her by the hair into a clearing where you have a firing squad standing by. You stand behind her and remove the cloth over her eyes. She sees her impending death, and yells, "Who's responsible for this!?!?" You whisper, "It's me honey…happy anniversary," and then jam your dick inside of her and fuck her into an orgasm-induced coma.

2. You kill her and then fuck her. Now this costs no money, but the richer you are, the more likely it is you'll beat the murder charges.

Box of chocolates3. You put together an assortment of oysters, dark chocolate, red wine…and a giant bag of blow. As you blast off with your wife/girlfriend/mistress/MALE order sweatshop child, you dance together to the sound of Isaac Hayes. To make the evening more authentic, you pay to have Mr. Hayes' remains dug up and propped up as if he were performing right in front of you. You lay your mate down on the steps of the shallow end of the roses, and glide your rod in. As soon as you're about to climax you bring your hands up to her head and SNAP HER FUCKING NECK!

…I've never been very good with girls.

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