I apologize in advance to those who thought this article was going to be a tutorial for taking down an airplane with wires dangling out of your sphincter—it's not. It's about the countless "special occasions" comedians experience when we do so poorly on stage that not only do we question the merit of our material, but most of the time we question whether we deserve to live or die.

"Whip that crusty looking thing out. Have any of you white people seen a black cock? It is THE UGLIEST THING EVER!"Bombing is a special side effect of comedy. When I first started stand-up, there was literally nothing I feared more than getting up on stage and having strangers look at me like I was the Anti-Christ after I made an off-color joke. Now it's almost funnier for me to bomb than to do well. I get a pretty big kick out of playing in front of a group of seniors that aren't quite ready for "I think Big Bird's abortion would be the most delicious omelet ever." Not the best joke, but definitely something that should garner some sort of response. But as soon as someone who loves being offended hears the word "abortion," they're up in arms and ready to throw a fit, not realizing that I was talking about a six foot yellow fuckin' pigeon puppet.

Shut the Fuck Up, Old PeopleLast night I was booked for a "College Night" themed show featuring this booking company's "best college comedians in NYC." I'll ignore the outright lie on the billing and focus on the good stuff. All 16 of the people (I won't even call them an audience) that attended this show were 45 years old and up. Now, unless they marketed this at Hunter Midnight Janitorial College, I'm not entirely sure why these wrinkly douche helmets showed up. If they were just old, but ready for comedy I would have nothing negative to say. But as soon as the MC (Master of Ceremonies that is—I'm not douchey enough YET to talk in the 3rd person) stepped on stage, these people literally looked as though they were receiving the results of their colonoscopy.

The MC was on for 7 minutes of death. He was pretty funny, but the audience sucked every bit of life out of him. I'm pretty sure he shit, pissed, vomited, and even splooged all the kiddies out of his soft weenie. It was a nightmare. The first comedian stepped up and did even worse. This guy prefaced so many of his premises with, "And this isn't even a joke, I'm just saying…" that I wanted to bury the back end of a hammer into his cunt. He lasted a solid 5 and a half minutes.

About midway through "not even a joke" boy, the MC comes up to me and goes, "Bro, good news man…umm, we're gonna give you 15 minutes instead of the initial 8 you were supposed to get, so uhh, good luck." I look at him with all of the disgust I could muster and said, "Thanks man…yeah, I was looking for a way to make myself cry and masturbate simultaneously tonight." He laughed, so at least I got one under my belt for the night.

Knowing that an audience is not your key demographic usually causes comedians to expand their repertoire and really work on different topics to reach broader audiences. Not this guy. The MC announced me exactly like I asked. "This next comedian can be found in old folks' homes suckling from the morphine drip…ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mike Cannon!!" Minimal applause, plenty of "what the fuck" looks. I got up on stage and announced, "Come on, bring some fuckin' energy, this is a comedy club not an AIDS clinic!" More WTF looks. Pointing to a skinny guy, I said, "It looks like this guy sucked plenty of alley dicks in his time. Maybe time for your monthly check in with the doc huh buddy??"

Nothing. Let's get gross.

Anteater with black and white snoutI started doing jokes that weren't even in my act. I was just ranting and raving about hanging outside of pre-schools waiting for the kickball to roll near my truck, so I could snatch an unsuspecting kid and mount their young supple ass. There was a nice black couple sitting up front who actually laughed at a few of my remarks. Not for long. I asked if they were married. When they said no, I immediately started touching on their still active sex life. I asked the woman how big her man's dick is. He laughed, she cringed. I said, "Wow, his chocolate cock is that big that even the mere mention of it makes you shudder in pain?? Buddy, whip that crusty looking thing out. Have any of you white people seen a black cock? It is THE UGLIEST THING EVER! It just constantly looks like it has been dipped in shit and then rolled around in mud." Okay I just lost my only allies.

I continued to do a few of my actual jokes that fared well with the other comedians but predictably awful with the crowd I just ostracized. The incredible thing is I made it through the entire 15 minutes! That is a HUGE accomplishment in that type of atmosphere.

Two dirty fingers with poop on themTo make sure these labia majora's would never forget my name, I left them with the following joke. "My buddies and I are a really intense group. All of us played sports in high school, and some of us even in college. Since we realized we're white, out of shape, and in need of another outlet for our rage, we started developing games. The majority of them revolve around drinking, but our favorite is one where we stand face to face with each other, about six inches apart. Never losing eye contact, we FINGER each other's assholes. And the first one to get hard—is gay. We call it Mud Tickle Fag Finder. It's really nice when you want to get to know your friends." Then I tried to get a really angry guy to smell my fingers. He wouldn't.