Wow, look at you! You got finally got a Facebook! Good timing, I hear this thing might catch on!

You're probably confused and wondering what to do now, but don't worry, I'm going to be your guide to creating a unique and vibrant profile. My name is Hippy; I used to work for "The Man" at Microsoft before I quit and got hired by Zucks (that's what we call Mark around here and no, you can't call him that) to help people like you. So let's get started!

Hippy helps you sign up for FacebookYou should know that having a normal profile in this day and age just isn't enough; if you want to stand out you'll have to pepper it with simulated sophistication wherever you can. Let's take a look at the page and see what we can spruce up…

Ah, "Languages"! If you're like most of the North American population you'll want to choose English, since it's the only language you speak… but what if I informed you that you're actually a linguist?! On top of being able to (barely) speak English, you'll be surprised to learn that you're also well versed in such tongues as Pig Latin, Jamaican Patois, and Klingon, so go ahead and sprinkle some of those in there. Although, if you want to stay off the radar then go ahead and opt for "American English," not "English" (unless you're a tea-sucking queer from Englishland).

Now you can comment on Christopher Hitchens' fan page that he's "hella gay" without fear of repercussion. Oh yay, it's time to fill out the "Religious Views" option! This is mine and Zuck's favorite. When he was building the site, I told him it wasn't a great idea to add it, but you wouldn't believe how many great conversations have come from it. If you live in the South and want a great conversation with your wife/cousin/mom at dinner, then put anything besides Christian; if your life isn't in danger then you'll be happy to learn that you have other options. You can choose real religions that nobody would believe you're a part of, like Rastafarian or Confucianism, or you can be clever and choose something like Jedi or Pastafarian. If you want Hippy's advice (and you do), then start your own religion! Facebook is the perfect place to start the "Snoopism" movement, and I'm sure you can get a lot of people to sign up for the religion that promises that you'll be reincarnated as Snoop Dogg's lung cells!

I see that you've found the "People Who Inspire You" section! We've decided that you should be able to display your favorite people on your profile to give strangers a better understanding of your psyche. And since you're not amusing or clever enough to build your own personality, we're giving you the opportunity to mash-up five different famous people. This has some sauntering advantages: now you can talk about how much you hate Apple on TechCrunch or comment on Christopher Hitchens' fan page that he's "hella gay" without fear of repercussion. Surely anybody who would think of cyber-bullying you will instantly be frightened when they see that you consider Vin Diesel, Dolph Lundgren, and Tim Burton as people you consider "inspiring."

Facebook logo clock timeWow, we're almost done! Now you just need to fill out these ultra-personal questions first. Since you've already gone through the soul-crushing experience of telling the whole digital world that you don't have a girlfriend, and specifying the only day of the year when people have to be nice to you, it's time to showcase your family! That way, in case you're ever held for ransom, the kidnappers will know exactly who to send the tip of your pinky to! If you don't feel cool enough putting your mom or dad on Facebook (probably because they have more friends than you), then you can carry on a few time-honored traditions, like labeling your friend-with-a-beard your "father" or calling your bbf4laea your "sister."

There you go! You're ready to live life to the fullest! Just don't forget to tag yourself in every picture! Seriously, Zuck's pretty particular about that.

Have fun!

P.S. I'm serious. Tag yourself or fear the Zuck.