>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 91 – July 25, 2004

“Dedicated to the Memory of Paul Johnson Jr.”

Now Playing: “Scotty Doesn't Know” by Lustra

By now, most college students are deeply entrenched in their lucrative summer jobs, trying to save up enough cash to pay for the upcoming semester/coronary bypass surgery. But life is too short for work! So quit your summer job and spend the next month of your life traveling around the world and, well, you know, putting the “vacation” back in summer vacation. If you're looking for some summer hot-spots to visit where you can party all night long and possibly contract genital herpes, look no further. Here's what happened:

-Your first stop on your summer vacation destination list should obviously be everybody's favorite country in the world, as measured using the globally accepted “fewest invasions” scale: Canada. In Canada you can enjoy the traditional Canadian cuisine of, um, Beavertails. They're delicious. And don't let the name fool you, they're not really made from the tail of a beaver. I think they use kittens now. While in Canada, be sure to drive up to Northern Ontario and see Timmins, home of Shania Twain, and Thunder Bay, home of Paul Schaffer. I think they have streets named after them or something. Try not to get killed by a moose.

-A logical next step for you young Magellans out there is the United States (of America)™. I strongly recommend you visit Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina. As one of the only fundamentalist Christian schools in the country, BJU is the University Jesus would have attended if he was a complete fucking psychopath. If you happen to be afflicted with what Bob Jones Jr. refers to as “a bad case of the negroes,” you will not be permitted to actually set foot on the campus itself. Instead, you will be expected to stand around the perimeter and pose for photographs while holding a watermelon and a bucket of fried chicken. Hallelujah!

-From the cradle of civilization that is Greenville, it's just a short hop, skip and trans-Atlantic plane ride to England. As anyone who gets most of their geography lessons from the hit movie “Eurotrip” will know, England is populated exclusively by soccer hooligans who will murder you with their bare hands if you do not display undying support for their particular soccer team, the Manchester whateveryoucallems. Honestly, how the hell can there be only one goddamn soccer team in the entire country? Who do they play? The little leaguers? I bet every soccer game in England is like watching the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Special Olympians, which admittedly would be pretty funny if you were on drugs. If you'd like to enjoy these “events,” remember to pretend you've been a Manchester somethingorother fan for at least 2 million years, and bring LSD.

-While in London, be sure to visit Big Ben, the seven-foot Norwegian male prostitute who works two blocks south of Piccadilly Circus (not a real circus). Mention Text-Heavy and receive 25% off the noon-hour massage/gerbil felching special. It's incredible. I think they named a clock after him.

-Many people make the tactical error of trying to backpack across Europe, thinking that Europe is smaller than the Mall of America. Unless your backpack can somehow fit a tent, a microwave oven and an Xbox, you're probably going to want to stay in a hotel. You may have read that hostels were inexpensive alternatives to hotels, but if that were true then the hotels would go out of business now wouldn't they? The only thing that separates the word hotel from the word hostel is an extra “s”, and that “s” stands for syphilis. Hostel Fever! Catch it!

-By now you've probably seen all there is to see in Europe, and are looking for a more exotic locale to spend your vacation time. I recommend Iraq. Apparently some overcautious government agencies (religious types mostly) have issued a travel advisory warning people to stay out of Iraq. They're just trying to hog all the car-bombing and looting for themselves. Apparently Expedia, which is obviously controlled by communists, refuses to sell tickets to Baghdad, without even THINKING about the financial damage this is doing to Baghdad Int'l Airport's infrastructure. This summer, make it a vacation you'll never forget with a postcard that says “I Had Electrodes Attached To My Genitals In Basrah.”

-Assuming you survived the insurgent attacks in Iraq without being kidnapped and horribly tortured/killed, you'll probably want to make a side-trip to the bastion of peace and hope that is the Gaza Strip. Here you can visit the memorial site of Rachel Corrie, the “peace activist” from Washington who flew all the way from America to jump in front of an armored Israeli bulldozer and then be surprised when the bulldozer—clearly a terrorist bulldozer—failed to stop in time and claimed the young girl's life. Curse you, you Israeli terrorist pigs! How dare you take away the life of such a sweet, innocent, peace-loving young girl?

-Since you're already in the Middle-Ease, this may be a good time to head on down to Africa for a real taste of poverty and squalor. Oh sure, the thought of seeing children dying of malnutrition and leprosy, not to mention the fear of running head-on into a wild pack of gazelle or, worse, Sally Struthers, might make you second-guess the idea of vacationing in the epitome of the third world. But I bet down in Ethiopia they've never even HEARD of Rachel Corrie. Heck, with four million people infected with AIDS, Rachel Corrie would probably seem like a mild irritant.

-Africa is located in one of my least favorite hemispheres (the Southern Hemisphere), so provided you've avoided diseases and plagues long since thought eradicated (I just got OVER Polio) you may as well head to Australia, one of the last bastions of hope in the world. Fully 3% of all Australians attend regular religious services, less than any other nation in the developed world. I assume they must be pretty busy every Sunday, watching “rugby,” a sport that combines football and professional wrestling with hilarious results. Watching rugby, you learn the answers to all sorts of penetrating questions like “Is he dead?” “Is that blood coming out of his EYE?” and “How about now? Is he dead NOW?” Usually you can't find answers to these sorts of things outside Abu Ghraib (buh-ZING!).

-Quote of the Moment: One of my friends, on Text-Heavy getting too political: “I don't know why you didn't like Fahrenheit 9/11. It was a funny movie. Michael Moore didn't do anything to you. Maybe you're just not smart enough to understand it.” Yeah, that's probably it. I'm just not smart enough to understand how much America sucks, and how totally awesome totalitarian regimes that behead civilians and post the video on the internet are. Spring Break Karbala! Whoo-ee!