>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 110 – December 5, 2004

“Bringing Tidings of Joy to Dozens”

Now Playing: “Face of Love” by Jewel

For some, Christmas is a joyous, wonderful time of year. For others, the loneliness, stress and lack of Text-Heavy can make December a difficult month. That is why I, in association with Sears and Krispy Kreme Donuts, have carefully prepared this authoritative guide to Christmas romance. So sit back and let the glow of Internet comedy warm your yuletide log. Metaphorically speaking you sick pervert. Here's what happened:

-It's not easy to find a boy or girl for a Christmas fling. It seems like around this time of year just about everybody is seeing somebody else, and even those who aren't seeing anybody have standards. Don't worry, though. There is still one place on this crazy mixed-up planet that contains an abundance of single-but-looking “people”: The Internet. If you're really lucky, you'll discover that the person you've been chatting with online is really that shy yet attractive guy or gal you've had your eye on in the real world, not unlike the movie “You've Got Mail.” But really, what are the odds of that?

“For the average college student, preparing a Christmas meal is about as painful as inserting a screwdriver into your own urethra. Boy what a weekend that was.”

-True story: A friend of mine hooked up with a drunk girl in her dorm room. As we all know, dorm room walls are paper thin and apparently this girl was a screamer. After the main event, my buddy starts to head home when he's accosted by a group of girls who live in the same dorm. They start reaming him out, telling him that sleeping with a drunk girl is the equivalent of rape. When I found out about this, I told him what he should have done is tied the girl up and put a gag in her mouth to keep her quiet. That way the girls in the dorm would never have heard anything and there wouldn't have been an incident. Sometimes to avoid being accused of rape you must perform rape-like actions.

-Do not make the mistake of going out with someone for the first time a few days before Christmas. If you do, you will be left in the awkward position of either neglecting to buy them a present altogether or buying a present for somebody you know nothing about. One year I got so desperate I actually went into the kitchen supply store, which sells items like spatulas and lemon zesters, thus suggesting a wide array of holiday messages from “Get back in the kitchen, bitch” to “Make me a salad, bitch. And don't forget the lemon zest.”

-So it turns out “Midnight Mass” isn't code for “Jesus Orgy.” The more you know…

-One of the best things about starting a new relationship in December is that you get to spend a lot of time outside in the cold, where you wear lots of layers and your date can't see how out of shape you are. This is all well and good until you get inside and the parka comes off. At that point, your date will probably make a comment about how fat and hairy you are. Don't worry, though. You can always brush it off with a witty comment like “it helps me stay warm” or “get back in the kitchen, bitch.” Anything to avoid a trip to the gym.

-You may think that hanging mistletoe all about your house or parents' basement might help you score a kiss with that special lady, but I've found this to be an ineffective strategy. Most girls think mistletoe is incredibly cheesy and they'd sooner make out with Gilbert Gottfried than with you under some fake plant. What you want to do instead is hang canisters of tear gas all around the apartment so when your date comes over she will be temporarily blinded and you can trick her into thinking you're actually Brett Favre. Girls love Brett Favre.

-Unfortunately Christmas involves a lot of food, so you will be expected to cook for the new love of your life. And not Kraft Cheese and Macaroni, either. You're going to have to prepare a traditional Christmas dinner with turkey and stuffing and Santa gall bladder. It's not like you can just take your date to Denny's or something. Around this time of year you'd probably need a reservation. For the average college student, preparing such a meal is about as painful as inserting a Phillips screwdriver into your own urethra. Boy what a weekend that was.

-While you're enjoying your delicious/poisonous Christmas dinner with the significant other, you'll probably want to woo her with some traditional Christmas music. Remember that your goal is to get her “in the mood,” so you don't want to be playing anything from the N-Sync Christmas album. If you're really feeling lucky you could play some Hanukah songs like, um, the dreidel song, which goes like this: “Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay. And when you're dry and ready, oh dreidel I shall play.” I can hear all my female readers moistening already.

-Another thing to consider if you're looking to score this holiday season is your wardrobe. If I've learned anything from my many hours of watching “Bad Santa” on DVD, it's that girls swoon over an alcoholic who wears a Santa outfit all the time. I recommend you purchase, at minimum, a Santa hat and wear it at all times, including in the shower and on the bus. If anybody asks why you're wearing a Santa hat all the time, reply bitterly: “I just like it, okay. Leave me alone.” Then take a swig from the bottle of whiskey you keep on your person at all times and wait for the naked girls to magically appear and start performing sexual favors. If no naked girls appear, you're obviously not angry nor drunk enough. Or you could try getting on a different bus.

-Finally, if none of the above tips help you get laid this Christmas, and frankly I think that's pretty unlikely, you could always try going to Iraq. Yes that's right, Iraq's not just a summer hot spot anymore. From what I've seen on the news, the people in Fallujah could sure use some Christmas cheer, so having unprotected sex with Iraqi refugees would practically be an act of charity. And in the end, that's what the holiday season is really all about.

Editor's Note: Emmanuel is departing on his annual December quest to gather tiny pieces of comedy all over the frozen tundra of northern Canada. Text-Heavy will return in January, even colder than before!