>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 112 – January 16, 2005

“Future Home of Major Class-Action Lawsuit”

Now Playing: “40 Feet” by Franz Ferdinand

Say what you will about the creators of the short-lived hit television series “Jackass” (I know I do) but those guys are creative. Consider the number of different ways they have managed to hurt themselves using only items found around the houses of the criminally insane. I bet you never even THOUGHT of putting a staple gun to your forehead. If those Jackass guys ever put their mind to it I bet they'd even find a cure for AIDS, but it would probably involve getting kicked in the crotch by a llama and therefore some people would still choose the AIDS. I'm convinced, based on very poor evidence, that the Jackass people are secretly the smartest people on Earth. So now that their show has gotten tiresome even among potheads I have devised a few other projects they could put their infinite wisdom towards. Here's what happened:

Project #1 – Build Perpetual Motion Machine: Leave it to Jackass alumni to solve a problem that has plagued mankind ever since Sir Isaac “Ike” Newton discovered the universe in 1492. Using only a box of elbow macaroni, duct tape and a large coil of tungsten, the cast of Jackass will build a thoroughly useless yet scientifically baffling perpetual motion machine. Additional tungsten will be supplied if the participants happen to eat the first coil, which let's face it they almost certainly will.

Project #2 – Discover Life On Mars: Everybody knows that in addition to being professional skateboarders, crash test dummies and organ donors, Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera et al also lead a secret double life as astronauts. Of course if everybody knows about this than it's hardly a secret life at all, but that's besides the point. I think we're long overdue for some finality on the whole “life on Mars” debate, and the cast of Jackass has just the people to provide us with said finality. We've let scientists handle this for too long now, and all they've been able to churn out is that Mars contains ice. The cast of Jackass will venture to the Red Planet, sort of like in the movie “Red Planet,” and find the hidden colonies of Mars so they can use the ice to make popsicles and apply for an NHL franchise.

Project #3 – Figure Out Why Vegetarians Are So Goddamn Stupid: Listen, if you don't want to eat meat that's your business. It's a life choice and I respect that. I don't want to eat human feces, so I don't judge somebody just because their tastes differ from mine. But what's the deal with PETA getting mad at Jimmy Carter because he's a fisherman? And throwing paint at people wearing fur coats? What is that all about? This project will begin with the Jackass folks going deep undercover, figuring out whether vegetarians are really organisms composed entirely out of intolerance and hate, or if they're just mentally retarded. The project will end with Steve-O sodomizing PETA president Ingrid Newkirk with a zucchini.

Project #4 – Discredit Holistic Medicine Once and for All: Holistic medicine, for those of you fortunate enough not to have heard the term before, refers to medicine which in no way helps or cures any disease or ailment. Let's say you have some terrible pain in your leg. If you were to go to a fancy-shmantzy doctor with a diploma and an office and everything he'd probably make you get X-rays, have some tests, and prescribe some medication to ease the pain. Not so with a holistic healer! If you went to a holistic healer for the exact same problem he'd tell you God was angry with you and you need to eat flaxseed to get your chi back into flow. If you understood over 50% of that last sentence I hate you. It will take a concerted effort by the cast of Jackass, possibly involving an inverted port-o-potty, to get the miserable scum known as holistic healers to admit they're a bunch of con artists or else risk drowning in a sea of human excrement and herbal tea.

Project #5 – Arm-Wrestle Jesus and Win: This two-pronged project involves key Jackass personalities to locate the son of our lord, Jesus Christ, and defeat him in an arm-wrestling competition (best two out of three is acceptable). Locating Jesus is the tricky bit, because he's been dead for at least 20 years and he doesn't cast a reflection. The Jackass crew will have to bring their “A” Game if they want to complete this task. Crucifixes and garlic are an absolute must, as J.C. has attained superhuman strength ever since he shuffled off this mortal coil, and he will stop at nothing to feast on the blood of the living. Godspeed.

Project #6 – Beat My High Score at Tetris: While not necessarily the most important of projects, it's certainly the only project thus far that involves me in some way. You see I've gotten really good at Tetris ever since I stopped having friends, and it's gotten to the point where there's just no challenge anymore. That's why I need an action-hero-style man (or woman) (probably a man, though, let's be serious) to beat my Tetris High Score. The cast of Jackass, surviving on a steady diet of Bible, bread and beatings (and whey protein supplements) will attempt to best my score by any means necessary, although those means will probably just include a lot of free time and a Game Boy. Still, it's gonna be fun.

Project #7 – Save The Rainforest: The rainforest needs our help, and by “our” I mean “the people from the show Jackass.” I'd do it myself but I hear they don't have Wendy's in the Amazon. Also I have a dentist appointment in a bit. Anyhow, the rainforest was doing just fine until some humans decided to meddle with the natural order of things and destroy a fragile and delicate ecosystem. So some other humans went in there to meddle with the actions of the first group of humans and attempt to set things right, which only made matters worse. It's going to take a third group of humans, Jackass humans to be exact, to turn the situation around and preserve life for countless plant and animal species. Or just blow the fucker up and every endangered species in it. Frankly I'm pretty tired of the whole rainforest angle and I'm not sure why I even brought it up just now.

Project #8 – Teach Republicans to Dance: This will be the most challenging project to date, partly because Republicans are white people who are therefore missing the “rhythm” gene, and partly because the Jackass people are white as well. Actually there might be a black guy among them, in which case he should probably head up this project. After watching the Republican National Convention on C-Span this past summer, it became painfully obvious that Republicans can't dance even to country music, which is so easy to dance to one of the steps involves orally pleasuring a blood relative. It's up to the cast of Jackass, hopefully led by a black guy, to perform a Pygmalion-esque transformation on key Republicans. Upon completing this task, the Republicans will have the black guy incarcerated for no readily apparent reason and then go back to shooting tin cans or drinking goat placentas or whatever the hell Republicans do for fun.

Project #9 – Murder Anyone With Even A Mild Interest In NASCAR: Let's face it, this project has been a long time coming. Did you know that when ALL the cars are driving 200mph they all look like they're going the same speed? It's true. If you derive any pleasure whatsoever from watching cars drive around in circles for hours on end you deserve to be gunned down in some Colombine-esque style shooting rampage that, although highly controversial, is the perfect job for the Jackass crew in your life. The best part is since NASCAR fans come from the south it's not like anybody's going to miss them. Am I right or am I right?

Project #10 – Get Text-Heavy Cancelled Faster than a Failed Jason Alexander Sitcom: Have you read it lately? Who in their right mind passes off 2000 words about cotton candy as comedy?