>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer Et Nola
August 13, 2006

“Putting the SoCo in Social Commentary”

Two months ago I mentioned a column addressing an upcoming revolution, only to find that Rebello wrote a piece about the end of days. Rather than joining forces and unleashing an assault on the future, I wrote a different column and tabled the issue. (In all fairness, I title-jacked REM long before he did.) For all those Apocalypse/Armageddon fans out there, you’re in for a real treat. A kid walked up to me and asked in utmost sincerity, “Are you afraid of the Apocalypse?” It became clear that just when I thought I was out, the ubiquitous “they” were pulling me back in.

My first thought was whether this kid knew something about the weather that I didn’t. Then, I made a quick list of people who owe me money. I got over the possible losses when I recalled the amount of student loans I wouldn’t have to pay. Hey, I’ve got my priorities, and I think I covered the essentials.

Apparently, the kid had recently watched Left Behind, an end-of-days feature starring Growing Pains’ Kirk Cameron. (Oh Kirk, my how the fallen have fallen.) It was then that I realized it was time I share my vision of the future—The Revolution itself. But first…

“MTV studios will be set ablaze from a mixture of both the fires conceiving The Revolution itself and the unreleased STDs soon to be identified amongst Real World viewers.”

For the record, I’ve yet to watch and/or read Left Behind. I simply can’t watch Kirk Cameron without picturing his sister and the rest of the cast of Full House doing lines of cokes off the Olsen twins. I mean, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Have you seen Bob Saget recently? No one is more gangsta than Danny Tanner in a backwards cap. Nobody. Despite failing to read/watch the film, I can assure you that it’s on my “To-Do List,” a list which includes “organizing all 30 gigs of mp3s” and “rereading my favorite textbooks.”

For everyone who doesn’t piss themselves at the possible threat of The Rapture, there’s good news for you too. Political theorists have drafted a couple of predictions for where the world is headed. From the “Clash of the Civilizations” conjecture to the rise in secular debate of the end of days, destruction is imminent. “Change is gonna come,” and Blockbuster wants their rentals returned stat.

In the meantime, grab your popcorn and get comfy. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Gospel According to Mad Libs. Honestly, who came up with these theories for how it all will end? Instead of sounding prophetic, the bulk of these theories leave something to be desired, much like the plot, dialogue, and overall time I spent watching Rules of Attraction.

In that spirit, I offer you a vision of my own. I’ve got a list of credentials equally as impressive as the prophets of old—plus, I’ve more recent work experience than any of them except Samuel L. Jackson. As we all know, his prophesy for Snakes on a Plane was heralded even before Eve ruined paradise just so she could one day order an Apple Martini. I’m not saying it was all her fault. I’m just saying that if everyone had to give up paradise, the least women should have to do is start buying their own damn drinks. Until then, we’ll exploit your weaknesses. If apples began the fall of man, I’m glad we can bring our counterparts down with an alcoholic variation.

Wait… where was I going again? Oh, yeah. It’s game over, man. Thus, I present to you: my vision of The Revolution…

Indeed, The Revolution will not be televised.

It will not be packaged in DVDs with pictures of naked coeds going wild on Spring Break. It may, however, be downloaded through Napster or iTunes and inserted directly into your aural feeding tubes. B-sides, acoustic sets, and live concerts will be what the industry becomes and the pre-packaged, studio-manufactured sounds of what once was will no longer be; its media bubble burst; its pop-culture popped. The Revolution will stress the importance of innovation and expression. Once again, music will foster appreciation for the power it has to shape lives. The music in our hearts will be the music in our heads, and we’ll all dance whether we hear it or not.

When it comes to music’s most notorious offenders, The Revolution will not tread lightly.

On that note, MTV studios will be set ablaze from a mixture of both the fires conceiving The Revolution itself and the unreleased STDs soon to be identified amongst Real World viewers. VH1 shall fall immediately thereafter, pending anyone is still actually watching it. I Love the 1830’s will be the only show allowed to air in the aftermath. Everyone knows Martin Van Buren was a funny bitch. Furthermore, the Revolution will reclaim cable television and NPR in the name of the arts, only promptly to return it to someone who actually cares about the arts. There’s bound to be someone who isn’t saying it just to get laid.

The Revolution will revive irony, only to ridicule it for the literary whore the masses have made it to be.

Satire, however, will prevail though it shall no longer feature a Wayans’ brother or involve some form of steamy pie sex. In fact, the humor portion of the Revolution may not get much action whatsoever, pastry or otherwise—except clown sex. Sex between clowns will forever remain funny, particularly if one of the clowns is crying. The Revolution will meld wit with exuberance to tackle injustice and systemic progression, even if that means it must laugh at itself from time to time. Oh, and God forbid anyone pops a collar. I shudder at the possible backlash.

The pseudo-intellectual, aka “the academic wolf in sheep’s clothing,” shall be a primary target of The Revolution.

These who would wield knowledge with callousness or hubris shall prove most egregious of all offenders. The Revolution will not give a moment’s pause in the face of such pretense. The Revolution will be about action and adventure, Indiana Jones-like in its inclusion of suspense and the subsequent thrill of kicking ass indiscriminately. The Revolution will “put boot to ass” for equity and honesty, but mostly for the fuck of it. The Revolution will be about more than asking questions, it’ll be about fighting long enough to unearth an actual response.

The Revolution will be about you and I; but most importantly, it will be about U-N-I-T-Y (thanks pre-Bringing Down The House Queen Latifah).

The Revolution will be about how red, white, and blue together run as black as the Harlem Renaissance. Color-blindness will be the only ailment acceptable in the wake of The Revolution; for what we don’t see, there is a depth and a reality that we will finally all see together. Corrective lens will not be necessary. The greatest aspect of The Revolution is that the vision is clarified only by the shared visions of others. So grab your glasses, I’d like to know what you see beyond the frames.

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