>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer E. Mike Tuckerson
April 30, 2007

“I need two men on this. That’s what she said- No time! But she did- NO TIME! Guys, get on this.”

While spring is in bloom, Spring Break is sadly behind us. In the aftermath, co-eds everywhere are finding themselves face to face with actual relationships, replacing what once was casual sex of a most discretionary nature (like home videos labeled “For Private Use Only”). Some relationships will dismantle in the wake of the semester ending, but for those who seek to go the distance (i.e. to Flag Day maybe) we at PIC wish to aid you in ushering in that “new level.”

Over 230 years ago, the Founding Fathers decided their relationship with England had reached a “rough patch” and declared they wanted out of that commitment. Following their example, fellow blogger Roxanne Hamm and I have joined forces to present a “Declaration of Co-Dependence,” just in time for Independence Day (the Mexican version).* Think of this as the inverse of what the Founding Fathers signed. Instead of reasons to split, you can cite these as the reasons to stick around. Feel free to pick and choose which of the following you’d like to express, along with your own declarations. While I will present a couple options for the guys, Roxy will put a woman’s touch on the listing.

Introduction: When, in the course of dating or routine attachment-free sex, it becomes awkward to refer to the other person as “hey you” and both parties seek to sleep where they are instead of going home, a decent respect** of each other requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to consider changing their Facebook status.

“She has the right to remain silent and that some things she says may be held against her if I’m actually listening.”

Preamble: We hold these opinions to be somewhat evident, since not all relationships are created equal, that some tend to suck after a while and should be ended, unless they contribute to a mutual benefit of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, or failing all of that, at least good company and the occasional quickie.

Indictments: Such has been the overall enjoyment on at least my behalf, and such is now acceptable to alter our current System of Government relationship status. The history of our hooking up hasn’t been bad and that has a lot to do with a number of factors regarding you that I find attractive, at least at this point. To prove there are grounds for discussing a “relationship,” let the Facts be submitted to a candid world:
She has acknowledged the rule of Man Law, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

· She understands the importance of personal space without having to discuss “why” it’s necessary.

· She has refused to accept the advances of other guys, barring the ones who offer me large sums of money as compensation for the anguish of dating a “de facto” prostitute.

· She understands that I wouldn’t think her to be a prostitute, especially because of how cheap of a drunk she can be.

· She values me for my body and understands that I am perfectly okay with doing the same for her.

· She has her annoying friends at a safe distance, so as to remind me why I am with her and not with them. She also has her hot friends at a safe distance, so as to remind me that I’d be an idiot to cheat on her with them.

· She understands it is okay to window shop as long as I show her I appreciate the model I currently have at home.

· She restricts her neuroticism and rationalization as best as possible and acknowledges that few guys know of how any woman can be a bitch “in a good way.”

· She is a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.

· For knowing that I couldn’t possibly watch another episode of Grey’s Anatomy… period, despite the quality of the blowjob/sandwich-sedative reward you offered last time.

· For appreciating the effort I put into my fantasy baseball team and Final Four brackets.

· For understanding the importance of college sports, both televised and live, and the fact that watching them together counts as “quantity time,” if not “quality time” as well.

· For seeing something good in me, even if it’s merely the technique I use to put something good in her.

· For recognizing she has the right to remain silent and that some things she says may be held against her if I’m actually listening.

· For recognizing she has the right to remain loud, particularly so all my hot neighbors can know where they too can apply for orgasms.

(Read Roxy's version of the Declaration of Co-Dependence here)

Those are just a few declarations to get you going. Feel free to add your own and share in the comments below. Remember, guys: While declaring co-dependency can be a positive move in relationship communication, it may also reveal personal problems like “monogaphobia” or “serial dating tendencies.” There is no proven cure for either, only treatment. Ask your penis whether a relationship is right for you.

For additional declarations and all-new postings, check out my humor blog.

*For you history buffs out there, Cinco de Mayo is actually the celebration of the Mexican people’s victory over French occupational forces back in 1862. Mexico’s actual Independence Day is September 16.

**Or realization you have some respect for the other person.