As someone who doesn't care for the outside world, news of this week's quake didn't shake me up as much as everyone else. Fortunately I said a quick prayer and updated my Twitter avatar, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time until things get dry again. I'm not worried; the rapture is only two months away so I plan on relaxing naked on a celestial plane while you heathens toil away down here for eternity. But seriously, have you guys heard about Japan?

Japanese man getting checked for radiation exposure
"Now open wide and say ‘AHHHHHHH!!! RADIATION POISONING, NOOO!!!'"
After getting a swift upper-cut from Mother Nature in the form of an 8.9 magnitude quake, the people of Japan brushed the dust off their shoulders and fixed that crooked picture in the living room before putting on flood pants and probably doing some push-ups to prepare for the next natural disaster. Then they got buffeted by waves for a few hours before their nuclear reactor decided to get rid of some of that pesky "radiation" it's been hoarding. Why did all of this happen? Well, I'm not meteorologist but The Black Eyed Peas shot a video for their new single in Tokyo just one week ago. Coincidence? Probably, but it's nice to imagine that the world itself is trying to swallow will.i.am whole.

If comic books have taught me anything, it's that radiation leads to mutation. I like Japan. Here we have a country in the middle of the ocean the size of California that decided to build as much shit as possible on this piece of land—a piece of land that is only in the middle of the ocean because it's on top of unstable earth plates. Did I mention that the area is also called "The Ring of Fire"? It's like setting out to fulfill your lifelong dream of building the largest house of cards in the world, but moving into a trailer park to build it. A trailer park called Windy McFuckshitup.

I don't think you fully grasp how serious the situation is—Apple is delaying the launch of the iPad 2 in Japan. In JAPAN! They love their gadgets more than we do and Apple is robbing them of this touch-screen-euphoria because they think Japan should focus on "more important things." Listen Steve, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when you're dealing with an entertaining and revolutionary device like this it's imperative that you get it in the hands of as many people as possible. For Christ's sake it looks like I could skip it across the water five, maybe even six times! Why are you denying me??

Chart of how nuclear radiation spreads from Japan to North America
Nuclear radiation spread, aka how the world goes down in 2012.
If we were to look at Japan as a case study for energy options then nuclear seems a whole lot safer than crude oil. Only after earthquakes and ten foot waves slammed up against the power plant was there any sign of trouble and even then it was more of a "right then, you may want to avoid this area" than an "I hope you've said goodbye to your family" type of trouble. In contrast, Deepwater Horizon spontaneously combusted thanks to a rogue valve before bleeding 5 million gallons of crude all over our precious sea turtles. So if you're keeping score, valve > oil rig but earthquakes and tsunamis < nuclear reactor. Oh and don't forget that the reactor was four times as old as the rig.

There is now a risk of some of the population getting exposed to radiation but if comic books have taught me anything, it's that radiation leads to mutation. It may be "no-eyes" instead of "laser-eyes," but that will only lead to kinkier and more specific tentacle-porn. Plus, all of these facemasks and hazmat suits might even give birth to fetishes that people didn't know they had.

So while this "Earth burp" may have killed millions of people and left countless more without homes, it's important to for us to look forward… to an increased price on electronics and a decrease on the quantity of crazy porn.

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