Drugs would probably be a lot cooler if you didn't have to buy them from drug dealers. Also, if drugs were legal. And cheaper. And didn't totally eff up your life. But mostly, dealing with dealers blows.

Drug dealer orange hoodieRewind the tape about three years. I still wrote for the wonderful PIC, the very website you're on, Gentle Reader. However, I lived in Colorado, USA and not yet Korea. I was a lowly bouncer, again. Alas, I'd been laid off from the journalism world—twice. So this was well before I became a university professor in the Land of the Morning Calm (the cheesy tourism slogan of Korea).

Living in Colorado meant I was close to Red Rocks Amphitheater, and working in the bars meant I had access to plenty of “extracurricular chemicals for activities.” Therefore, some friends of mine wanted to take some “extracurricular chemicals” and see some dance music festival (or was it trance, or Skrillex, or whatever the kids listen to these days—I'm painfully uncool).

I thought with my underground connections I could easily find the best of the best for my buddies. Hell, I even promised them. I made phone call after phone call after text after asking friends for help. I even messaged a dude named “Yoshi,” who isn't a green dinosaur from Super Mario, but a ridiculously burnt-out everything-addict that I used to bounce with way back in the day. This guy would put a lizard in a blender and drip the goo into his ear if he heard it got you high. Needless to say, he killed more brain cells than your average “Teen Mom” marathon.

Just after taking a shot of whiskey, I felt a pat on my back. I turned around, and there was one of my least favorite drug dealers. Why did my bar hire a stoner who could barely string sentences together, who fought about as well as My Little Pony, and who also seemed to have Tourette's Syndrome, yelling the N-word whenever he saw a black guy? I have no idea, but I figured if anybody could find some extracurriculars, he could.

Besides yelling hurtful words more than necessary, Yoshi also was one of those burnouts who laughed all the time for no reason. Not because he was funny or because situations were funny, but I think because he'd twisted his mind in so many ways that he snapped more than a few things.

All that backstory being said, I just don't trust anybody who's laughing all the time.

I sort of expected Yoshi to call me back, but he didn't, so during this music festival or whatever, my friends and I needed to find extracurricular chemicals on our own AT the concert. The only thing skeezier than drug dealers are the skeezy-lame people looking for drugs at a concert. And we had to become those people. Luckily, I'm handsome and charming and found us some doable stuff. And the pills had little smiley faces on them! Hooray for cuteness and narcotics!

About 11 months passed and I quit my wild ways. I even quit weed. Not because I really wanted to, and not that I really did it a lot in the first place, but I decided to move to Korea and try to do something with my life. The intense thing about Korea is that if you want to be a teacher there, they drug test you almost straight out of customs at the airport. So this made me paranoid and I decided to let childish things be with children (or hopefully not—children shouldn't do drugs).

A week before I departed, my friends held a great going-away party for me. We laughed and partied, and I tried to bang a few different girls. Just after taking another shot of whiskey (because whiskey's not illegal, unlike marijuana and other pesky fun drugs that make you go crazy, want to copulate out of wedlock, and get violent) I felt a pat on my back. I turned around, and there was one of my least favorite drug dealers.

YOSHI: Heh heh. Yo KC! Heh heh heh.

KC: Oh hey Yoshi, what's up?

YOSHI: I got that shit you wanted. Heh heh. It'll be about $100. Heh heh.

KC: Huh?

YOSHI: You said you needed some shit for that faggoty dance festival thing at Red Rocks. Heh heh.

KC: Uh, Yoshi, that was literally almost a year ago. I'm moving to Korea in a week.

YOSHI: Heh heh. Yeah, but I got that shit for you.

KC: Dude, isn't there a statute of limitations on that? You never called me back.

YOSHI: I don't know about no statues. Heh heh. Or whatever, but I'm calling you now in your face right now. I got your shit and it'll be $100. Best worry I don't get angry and raise the price.

KC: Look, first, Korea drug tests their teachers—

YOSHI: This shit won't show up on a drug test. Heh heh.

KC: Sure buddy, whatever you say. Second, I wanted that shit a year ago.

YOSHI: Well I gots it now!

KC: Fourth, or third, I can't remember, because I'm pretty drunk, whatever, I don't have the money for that because I spent all my money on a plane ticket to Seoul. That's in Korea, which is in Asia. So, I guess you'll just have to sell them to someone else or take them yourself. I'm sure you can just ask any one of my friends and they'll take them off your hands.

YOSHI: I don't think you understand. This X and Molly is top notch. Heh heh.

KC: Good for you. I don't want it and I don't need it. I can't have it.

YOSHI: I don't know if you know this, but I'm from Kansas City. Bro. Heh heh.

KC: I don't know if you know this, but I don't fucking care what city you're from. You're white.

YOSHI: So are you, MORON! We used to be bouncers together!

KC: Yes, and every time you got us into fights with your idiotic yelling, I ended up fighting them. You ended up hiding behind trashcans or something. So don't even begin to try to intimidate me.

YOSHI: Fuck you. I heard you broke your back or something! I'll ex-uh, ex-uh, execute your weakness.

KC: Um, exploit my weakness? But yeah, I broke my neck. And now it's reinforced with titanium. So I'm like a low-grade Wolverine. So go fuck yourself and enjoy your shit. Maybe learn how to call people back in a timely manner. Now I'm going to try and get some American tail before I move to Asia. Take it easy Yoshi.


KC: You know, you're not as annoying when you're not giggling all the time. But you're still annoying. Sober up and then try toughening up. Because you're the worst dealer I've ever seen.