One of my favorite pastimes is explaining how cutely stupid some of my kindergarten students are. Nothing is as timelessly hilarious as their attempts to stick fingers in my butt, wash their feet in urinals, or eat boogers. Then I remember, I wasn't exactly the brightest of children either.
Let's go back in time a million years ago or so when I was just a wee lad…
The Circle of Life
My mom wanted me to own animals, but never anything too expensive or demanding of attention. Since she's a lifelong member of people who don't really like critters inside or outside the house, she bought me some goldfish: Goldy and Nicky. Only problem was, the fish kept "falling asleep." What originated as my mom's master plan to buy me a cheap-and-easy breathing companion turned out to be relatively expensive and time consuming, with all the trips to flush the toilet and then back to the pet store.
Well after a few Goldys and Nickys swam to the fishbowl in the sky, my mom finally figured out that goldfish aren't supposed to live just a few days. So she camped out and monitored the fish bowl until she found the culprit, which was, of course, me clad in my swimming goggles and her yellow rubber dishwashing gloves. She watched as I netted one of the poor orange fishies and held its squirming body in a not-so-gentle kindergartner's grip.
MOM: Just what do you think you're doing?
BABY KC: Petting Goldy.
MOM: And why?
BABY KC: They're lonely. And they're called "pets." You're supposed to pet them.
MOM: But why are you wearing my dishwashing gloves? You do understand I clean the spoons and plates and bowls off with those very gloves you're torturing those goldfish with.
BABY KC: I don't want my hands to get slimy.
MOM: And how long do you usually pet them for?
BABY KC: Until they get tired and need a nap.
The Postman Doesn't Ring
My younger years predated email by about 10 years, so I was used to just regular mail. But nobody sends 4-year-old kids mail. So I thought I'd start by writing my own name on an envelope, attempting to spell "Mom and Dad" correctly, and then walking the letter to them. My parents, notorious cheap asses, flipped out when they saw I'd used about $3 worth of stamps for a letter meant for them. Then they flipped out even more when they opened the letter and found the rest of the stamps licked and sealed inside of the envelope.
Scene: After school – Baby KC explains his needs.
BABY KC: Mom! I'm out of glue again!
MOM: Again? How do you go through so much?
BABY KC: I eat it.
MOM: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. My firstborn son is a paste-eater.
BABY KC: No I'm not. This glue is like thick milk. See. There's a cow on it.
Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun
I used to think that if you wore sunglasses, you could stare directly at the sun for as long as you wanted. I don't know what that does to your brain, but I still have no recollection of ever going to an eye doctor, and I still maintain 20/20 vision.
Pump Up the Volume
I also thought that the volume on our TV could go infinitely loud, so I tried to see how loud it would get, but I'd chicken out after my ears started ringing.
Easier Than Explaining Engineering
One of my best stupid memories is believing my mom when she told me that tiny men lived in the TV and acted whatever show I wanted to see. I wondered if the actors ever grew tired of acting out Star Wars since I'd put the VHS in once or twice a day. I also wondered what happened to Chewbacca when Han Solo magically became Indiana Jones on a different videotape.
Scene: The neighbor's fence.
NEIGHBOR: Want to tell me why your son ate all my wife's flowers?
DAD: Ah KC, goddamnit. He did it to yours too? Some dipshit taught him about honeysuckles. You know, those little fucking blue flowers with a drop of honey in them? So now he's going around, ripping out flowers looking for candy.
DAD: You'd figure, after throwing up purple two or three times, the boy would learn. But this one is determined.
Scene: The kitchen.
DAD (to Mom): Honey, did our son just eat an entire banana without gagging?
MOM: Ugh. Again?
DAD: What? I mean, why? What the hell are you letting the boy watch when I'm not here?
MOM: It's not that. It's just, the more he stuffs his face, the less I have to listen to the ridiculous things that come out of his mouth.
Scene: The homefront, Dad comes home after a grueling day of work, sort of like a real-life version of Leave It to Beaver.
DAD: Hi babe.
MOM: Hi honey. (Kiss) KC really wants to tell you something.
DAD: And what's that, Big Red (my old nickname)?
KC: I ate two Legos, a penny, a dime, and a rock today.
MOM: I turned my back for one second…
KC: Tomorrow, when you go to work I'm going to steal the change off your dresser and try to eat a quarter.
DAD: Should we be worried about this?
MOM: The doctor says he'll grow out of it.
DAD: Let's just hope he doesn't search for the penny when it comes back out.
Scene: The bathroom – Mama Freeman is annoyed with Baby KC, again.
MOM: KC, I don't know why I have to tell you this. But please quit going potty in the wastepaper basket in the bathroom. That's what the toilet is for.
KC: But every time I go potty in the trash can the pee goes away.
MOM: That's because I clean it out every time, My Sweet.
KC: See. It saves me so much time! I don't even have to flush!
Scene: The kitchen table (again).
KC: When are we going to have a new baby?
MOM: Not for a while I hope.
KC: But you said when a man and woman fall in love, then they sleep in the same bed together, a new baby comes.
MOM: And that's exactly how it happens.
KC: Last night I had a nightmare and I got real scared and I slept in the same bed with you. So when are we going to have a new baby?
MOM: Just never tell anybody about this, otherwise the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus will sell you to the Tooth Fairy.
Older, Yet Not Mature KC Stories
Scene: Outside the kindergarten bathrooms.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: Are you… are you drying your hands off on one of the students?
KC: Yeah. I used to do it to my dogs all the time.
Scene: KC is teaching, and frustrated that kids keep jamming fingers in his ass rather than listening to the "Where Is Pig?" story.
KC: You want to know where the motherf-u-c-k-i-n-g pig is? Pig is in the f-u-c-k-i-n-g closet! Ha! Now your stupid story is ruined!
Scene: Principal's office.
PRINCIPAL: So one of the mothers said you said her son "eats his boogers."
KC: He started it!