>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #9 – April 2001

-How many times have you asked someone about their spring break and they say, “Oh, it was pretty relaxing.” Essentially, this translates to, “Yeah, I went home and I was fucking bored out of my mind. And don’t even think about telling me about how much fun you had on your crazy little roadtrip to the beach you jackass.”

-Unfortunately, I was one of those “relaxed” people this spring break. However, it did afford me the opportunity to discover the depths of boredom and lethargy. At one point, a telemarketer called and—despite my intense hatred of credit card offers—I let him give me his little sales pitch. Then somehow, he kept talking, and eventually I started talking WITH him! I never knew these were “real” people! It turns out this guy has four kids, used to work in my hometown, and had advice to give me on choosing a major! It was kind of like those old war stories you hear when two enemies share Christmas together and then resume the fight afterward.

-Well, back at school, the university messed up somehow the other day and all internet-related functions on the computer were disabled. No instant messenger, no Explorer, no Napster, NOTHING! The entire campus was fucking paralyzed! They might as well have shut of the electricity too, cause we’re usually too lazy to turn on the lights or open the blinds in our room anyway. If it wasn’t for our computer monitors, we would have no light in the room half the time. Good thing we’re also too lazy to turn off our computers.

-So, what would you say if someone asked you what's in your refrigerator right now? Chances are, if you’re a guy, the answer is “nothing,” or “leftover liquor in the freezer.” Once in a while, you’ll probably open up the fridge and find a random beer, but these usually disappear faster than the laundry you left in the washer yesterday. Girls, on the other hand, always have all kinds of shit. Yogurt, snacks, fruit, things wrapped in foil, things in Styrofoam containers, other wrapped items, a token wine cooler, and bottled water. What a waste of space. At least when my fridge is empty, it has the potential to be holding alcohol.

-Do you know some people that always wear the same hat everywhere they go? Is there some kind of “cranial fixation” that causes this? These people are missing the entire upper view of their college lives! That kinda sucks.

-Have you ever got lucky enough to park in the closest space to your dorm, and then refused to move your car? Sometimes we’ll start walking to the car to go out and my friend will realize he doesn’t want to give up the closest spot, so we end up walking another 5 minutes to get to MY car. This makes absolutely no fucking sense!

-You know what's even worse than being the idiot who “replies to all” on an email sent to a bunch of people? Not being able to do a damn thing about these people. As soon as you reply to everyone bitching that guy out, you become the same kind of bastard that keeps cluttering our mailboxes. One time someone “replied to all” on an email about a school function sent to everyone's personal mailbox on campus. Next thing you know, I've got 200 messages in my mailbox either telling this kid what a “stupid fucking idiot” he is or asking how to be removed from the school's mailing list! It took me longer to delete these than to empty the trash in my room! What a fucking mess!

-Here is an actual classified ad from our school newspaper the other day: “1986 Oldsmobile for sale (runs well). . . Am also willing to trade for a Playstation 2 system.” Unbelievable. Maybe if you throw in an extra controller they’d fill up the gas tank too.

-Have you ever worked harder to get around studying than it actually would’ve taken to just study? During the first exam in my music class, the teacher realized he was technologically incapable of keeping the track numbers from showing up on the overhead projector prior to each song on the “listening recognition” part of the exam. Sarcastically, he remarked, “Well, I suppose if you memorized ALL 30 of the track numbers you wouldn’t have to know the song!” Next exam, about 40 of us are staring at the screen desperately trying to catch a glimpse of each track number before it disappears. Now anytime somebody asks me if I know Beethoven’s Concerto in C Minor I can say, “Yeah! That’s number 24!”

-Why is it that haircutting places around college campuses suck so much? Everyone goes to get a haircut knowing it's going to suck. I think it's some kind of conspiracy by the hat companies.

-Have you ever noticed how as soon as you start to study for an exam or write a paper, you suddenly become hungrier, thirstier, and sleepier? These are all natural bodily functions to create what is called, “constructive procrastination.” First, you order pizza because “it's only natural to begin studying with proper nutrition.” Then, you make frequent trips to the water fountain to waste time, which consequently means more bathroom breaks later. Then, when it's time to start working, you have an overwhelming feeling of fatigue, so you take a nap to regain your focus. And finally, when you're all ready to start working, you realize you still can't focus, at which point you think you probably have A.D.D. This is the stage procrastinologists term “work denial.” I wonder how you become a procrastinologist anyway?

-Our fraternity house just got Direct TV for our big screen downstairs. First, imagine your own indecision when watching 60 cable channels in your room. Now multiply that by like 2000 channels and 20 fraternity guys in the same room. Basically, you come out of the room having watched two minutes each of 10 sporting programs, 5 music channels, 5 “adult” channels, and 5 movies. And all this is only in the top-left inset of the screen because somebody is always looking through the on-screen guide for a new channel. How completely worthless.