>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #21 (The Lost Issues) – April 2007

-You know why college relationships are blissfully unique? Because nobody has ever complained about people playing “easy to get” and the term “hooking up” sounds sufficiently innocent to keep girls from feeling guilty. In the real world, people have to perform well on things called “dates” to earn rewards, and there are no ambiguous phrases designed specifically to allow girls to understate interaction when necessary.

-You know what I like about us college students? We’re ultra-thrifty. Being ultra-thrifty has allowed me to actually consider throwing away an entire couch the morning after someone puked on the seat cushion because the whole thing only cost me $15 at Salvation Army. Being ultra-thrifty also allowed me to realize it was only the first party foul on that cushion, so I still had one “flip-over” mulligan remaining.

“Senior year has allowed me more time for the unwanted luxury of being able to workout more often.”

-Professors have no appreciation for procrastination. Sometimes after I’ve been up all night writing a paper assigned two months ago I start to feel like I actually deserve a good grade. Nevermind the fact that a rough draft and a five-minute proofread might have corrected hundreds of overlooked misspellings, blatant inconsistencies, factual inaccuracies, and structural damage. We’re talking about exactly how much credit I deserve for cramming a month’s worth of researching and a month’s worth of writing into one night and producing a semi-coherent finished product. And D+ does not stand for effort damnit!!

-How come whenever I finish a wash, I have one mateless sock, and one sock in my drawer to match last week’s mateless sock? I feel like a mini-Robert Stack could host an Unsolved Mysteries reunion update every other week in the corner of drawer four.

-I can’t believe how many times on multiple choice tests I'll fall for “D) Not enough information to determine the answer.” This is the biggest copout for a professor too lazy to come up with a remotely deceptive third wrong answer. It should read “D) Not enough energy to trick you with one specific wrong answer.” Yet my brain still tells me, “Well hell Court, if you're not sure if it's A, B or C, just pick the answer that's not sure either!” And just when you start to catch on, it'll be reworded even more enticingly: “D) We cannot tell the answer given the information available.” I'm like, “Hey, neither can I! Must be D!!”

-If there’s one important thing I’ve learned in college, it’s how to kiss up to professors. It used to be that I had too much pride to be so openly fake, but now I just have too little energy to actually earn all of my grades.

-Speaking of grades, have you ever realized how much GPAs have in common with golf scores? You’ll always remember the two semesters you were on par, but in the end your score still seems to suck for some reason. Now if only my GPA had gone up every time I screwed up.

-Another important thing I’ve learned in college is how to carry all of my basic necessities plus a huge sack full of dirty laundry back and forth to my car every time I go home from school. This will serve me well when I’m homeless and living out of my car after graduation. Look for me on the streets, I’ll be the one laughing in the faces of all the “backwards” homeless people still using shopping carts.

-Every year they make computers with larger hard drives. And every year, students use computers for the same applications that take up the same amount of space: Explorer, Instant Messenger, Word, and Winamp. So why do I need more space every year? Because my MP3 collection must take over the world before I die!! If Dell really wanted to sell more computers to young people, that guy should have been like, “Dude, you’re gettin’ a lot more room for your MP3s!”

-If you’re like most college students who find every opportunity to pay less for alcohol, you’ve probably been to happy hour. It’s weird though, because whenever someone used to mention happy hour I pictured drunken unicyclists and crazy clowns running around in a wild, uninhibited drunkfest. Turns out “happy” is just a synonym for “drunk and depressing.” Either you feel like an alcoholic for drinking so early or you see your future as a tamed member of the workforce. The first one is easily overcome, but the second one sucks.

-Speaking of becoming alcoholically tamed, I remember a time earlier in college when taking shots and pounding beers was like a natural skillset. After partying all night freshman year we would argue over who took more shots. I was like, “Man, I eat shots for breakfast!!” Nowadays, we still argue over who took more shots, but the argument leads back to freshman year. I’m like, “Hey, remember when I used to eat shots for breakfast?! That was so crazy!”

-I’m not really sure at what point my pre-game routine changed from pounding consecutive 40’s, substituting Everclear into traditional mixed drink recipes, and lining up shots of cheap rum to a more normal alcoholic over-consumption routine. Whenever it was though, I know there were livers all over the world cheering me on. Although I doubt any of them went out to a bar to celebrate.

-Another routine I used to adhere to was going to the gym. Second semester senior year has allowed me a little more time for the unwant muscles that commented, “Yo, Court, I thought we gave this crap up a year ago, what the hell is going on?!” Then my right bicep started taunting my left bicep and I decided it was time to get outta there before anyone else wondered what the hell was going on too.

-It’s always a weird feeling when somebody else starts telling you what you did while you were drunk the night before. The worst though is when you ask a group of friends what you did the night before and one of them just gives you the “wow” look. I’m like, “Spit it out, it’s my past, not yours!! Wait, wait… just whisper it to me first.”

-You know, come to think of it, I have trouble remembering a lot of the things I’ve done during college, but not because of alcohol, surprisingly. Rather, each week’s worth of schoolwork leaves only enough memory for short-term weekend planning and midterms. Occasionally, if the final is cumulative, I have to vote out a high school memory or two. I tried transferring some memories to my new computer, but the MP3s had already taken over.

-So now that I’m reaching the end of my four years, sometimes I think to myself, “Wow, what absolutely necessary college experience have I overlooked in the process?” But then I realized that college life has never been about looking back. Hell, I cracked my rearview mirror a long time ago. You do your share of crazy things, and you do more than your fair share of stupid things. No, really, if stupid were a stock, most of us would probably be preferred shareholders by sophomore year. But in the end, it’s all the crazy, stupid little things that make college such a memorable, fulfilling experience. And by memorable and fulfilling, I mean at least definitely fulfilling, and not over yet! Sweet.

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