(KC wakes up. He has no idea what happened. He knows he spent most of the previous night at his old college roommate Dirty Mike's wedding, but he can't remember the details. He knows he's supposed to go to brunch. And he wasn't supposed to hook up with Dirty Mike's sister, The Sister Who Shall Not Be Touched. The only thing he remembers is arguing with the Best Man Fred about shots and speeches.
We find our hero walking with some friends to the meet-up spot.)
SIS: So you don't remember anything?
KC: I remember taking shots with your dad.
SIS: How about taking shots with Fred and talking about who should give the speech?
KC: Yeah. He's the best man. He should have given the fucking best man speech.
SIS: Oh God. You don't remember anything, do you?
KC: I didn't, like, fight Fred, did I? Because he's cool and my friend.
SIS: Uh, not really. Not physically.
KC: Shit.
BRAIN: Do you remember fucking the hot bartender?
KC: Shit. No.
BRAIN: Good, because that definitely didn't happen. We think you might have gotten her fired and you definitely pissed in some of the flowers though. But that's another story.
SIS: So let's brief you on what happened…
In the past two sections, I really wanted to stay relatively sober for this wedding. So I tried not to drink a lot, but I took some shots with the bartender. Next, Dirty Mike's dad bombed some Jack with me because he was happy I wasn't going to try and nail his daughter. Then I tried to leave, but Fred came up with a group of friends and we took even more shots. This was in a span of about ten minutes.
FRED: So we've agreed. No best man speeches.
KC: Buh. Food.
FRED: Great. Thanks for being a pal.
KC: Fuh.
I start walking to my table, and Papa Dirty comes up.
PD: I just got away from my wife. Want to do another shot?
KC: Puh.
PD: Pussy.
I am now unable to hold my head up so I balance my skull on the table and shove spoonfuls of a broth of some sort into my mouth.
"Shark fin soup" – mmmmm, goood!DEEK: What are you doing?
KC: Shark fin soup.
DEEK: They served that four hours ago.
KC: Still good.
(Deek takes a closer look)
DEEK: Jesus!
KC: Told you. Still good.
DEEK: That's not shark fin soup. That's just the waste tray the waiters threw all the half-eaten wedding cake and half-drunk wine into.
KC: Still good.
DEEK: You sure you want to eat that?
(I blink twice for yes)
DEEK: Whatever man.
(A few minutes later)
DEEK: It's time for the Horah. We need you.
KC: Huh?
DEEK: It's the Jewish thing where we put you in a chair and lift you up and down.
KC: Not doing that.
DEEK: Why? You're strong enough.
KC: Don't like heights.
DEEK: You're not sitting there. You're holding him.
KC: I strong.
Deek and I walk up to the group.
DM: I'll do this, but I don't want KC to hold me. He'll drop me.
KC: Fuh.
A brilliant fast-forward sequence. I do a few more shots with the bartender and talk about how cool his shoes are. Then the master of ceremonies yells "Last call!" and I stumble to the bar with hopes of taking the Hot Assed Asian Bartender home.
KC: Shots?
HAAB: No?
KC: Bang?
HAAB: Remember my name?
KC: No?
HAAB: No? No. Thanks for drinky though.
(I mope away)
MC: Okay everybody. If you're on the party bus, it's going to leave in five minutes. Hear that? The party bus is leaving in five minutes!
KC: Speech!
MC: What was that?
KC: Speech! SPEECH!
(Other people chime in)
EVERYONE: SPEECH! SPEECH!
MC: What speech?
KC: Best man!
MC: Are you the best man?
EVERYONE: Speech! SPEECH!
KC: No. Fred. (Points to Fred)
EVERYONE: Speech! SPEECH!
FRED: You motherfucker.
Fred gives a speech. The good thing is, nobody is sober enough to remember it. The bad thing is, somebody taped it. He is haunted by the word "speech" from now on.
The gang and I get on the party bus. Instead of sitting, I choose to stand.
SIS: Maybe you should sit down.
KC: No. Stand.
(The bus moves and I fall onto the ground)
KC: Ow.
SIS: Are you hurt?
KC: Stand.
BRAIN: If you're going to stand, maybe you should…
KC: Strip?!? Okay. (I start to perform a striptease. A few other dudes join. Not Fred, he's still pissed off.)
BRAIN: I was going to say, "Hold onto a railing." But whatever.
(Back to brunch)
SIS: And that's basically what happened. Then after the party bus, we basically carried you here and you crawled under Brian's bed and fell asleep.
KC: Well, that's not so bad, I guess.
(A few more friends come in to join us for brunch)
CHRISSY: How are you feeling today?
KC: Not bad. I got some sleep. You know. The basics.
CHRISSY: Do you remember saying the most inappropriate thing ever last night?
KC: Fuck. No.
And the story continues…
(But really, it doesn't.)