I know I'm not the only one offended by a movie about two gay cowboys hiding and showing their love for each other. It's an abomination. We should be ashamed by letting this type of movie into our theaters—or DVD players, depending on how you like to watch your films. But it's high time we, as Americans, made a retelling of this pile of shitty celluloid.
First of all, I know real-life ranchers and gay dudes. Granted, I don't know any gay cowboys, but I know Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal aren't gay cowboys. But I bet Clint Eastwood and Terrell "TO" Owens would make great gay cowboy actors for my movie. Eastwood knows how to ride a horse and appeared in many of the best western films in history. TO is a Dallas Cowboy and can quote Gilmore Girls. So they're a pretty good fit as homo buckaroos.
Next off, who wants to watch two gay guys herd sheep? Seriously? Let's spice it up and make them real cowboys, and have them shootin' Injuns, chewing tobacco, and braving tornadoes.
Plus, they didn't act or talk like real broncobusting Sodomites. "I wish I could quit you"? Come on. Totally not gay enough. Here's at taste of how my revised screenplay looks:
Brokeback Mountain II: Cocked and Loaded
"This time there's no sheep or bitches, just killing and making out."
Jack and Ennis sit in a dusty saloon. One rustic man lays bleeding from the mouth on the bar floor. The other customers look at our heroes. Jack gets angry at the attention.
JACK: Ain't you never seen two grown men share a white wine spritzer before?
ENNIS (trying to calm down his partner): Now Jack, you're drunk. Don't blow your stack here. We can't attract no attention 'til we rescue Pancho Villa's nephew.
JACK: You hear that? (Takes a sip from his straw.) We're working for Pancho Villa. Any you lilly-livered lubbers got a problem of two macho men working together? For a Mexican?
The other drinkers go back to looking into their glasses pretending to ignore the ornery Jack.
ENNIS (whispering): My chaps get tight when you talk all tough. You're such a big bad bear.
JACK (to everybody): When I do rescue Pancho's nephew, I might have him teach me to tango. That's right, I dance. I also cook. I'm wondering if any of you dirtbrains know how to make sashimi. I'm feening for some lake trout California rolls.
ENNIS (raising his voice): Excuse me? I don't remember this being an open relationship. Who said you could salsa dance with some mariachi boy toy?
JACK: Well, you're getting a little tired, Partner.
The barkeep and the drinkers step outside. This has obviously happened before.
ENNIS: Any more truths you want to tell me?
JACK: I'm drunk. Too many appletinis.
ENNIS: Well then I'll give you some new knowledge. Remember all those times I told you a rattlesnake bit my weiner, and I needed somebody to suck the poison out?
JACK: Yeah, that happened lots of times.
ENNIS: Didn't you ever notice that I only got bit by rattlesnakes just as we put up our tent?
JACK: Son of a gun. So you're telling me all those reach-arounds I gave you weren't extracting snake venom from your junk?
ENNIS: Nope. Also, those nights I "accidentally" fell into freezing cold water and told you I needed to cuddle with you for warmth…
JACK: You dirty fucking bastard whore.
ENNIS: Now I'm hot and bothered. (Undoes his neckerchief.) You always know how to turn up the heat.
The shot pans outside to the barkeep and saloon drinkers. We hear a bunch of grunting, yodeling and smashing coming from inside the bar. Everybody looks at each other and shrugs their shoulders.
The two rustic lovers hold hands while riding horses into a western town.
ENNIS: Do we really need to rob another bank, Jack? This seems like a quaint little place. We can settle down. I'll open up my dance club. You can start studying how to do pedicures.
JACK: But we're getting low on wine coolers, and I stained my good purple short shorts when I slept in that buffalo carcass during the blizzard of 1862. Plus, those New England Crab Cakes don't pay for themselves big boy.
ENNIS: Well this time, can you make sure you're fully cocked? I ain't coming out in public half-assed again.
JACK: I'm telling you, that was a one time thing. It happens to everybody. Maybe we should check each other's guns just to make sure…
Each hero puts his face in the other man's saddle to check each other's pistols.
TOGETHER (looking into each other's eyes): Love you. (They make out.)
We see the two ride into town shooting a bunch of people as they rob a bank.
The morning sun caresses a lone cactus. Our two roughriders wake up spooning next to a fire. Jack puts a coffee pot on the fire. Ennis starts getting dressed.
Jack gives Ennis a look. Ennis returns the glance.
JACK: What's got your Prada thong in a bunch?
ENNIS: Are you seriously going to wear those Wranglers? Again? Really?
JACK: Ennis, we're badass cowboys. We wear the same clothes every day. I still have caked blood on my ten-gallon hat from those cattle rustlers we stabbed back in Devil's Gap.
ENNIS: Yeah, but those boots don't go with those pants. Maybe if you unbuttoned the bottom of your flannel shirt and tied it in a knot, you'd look better.
JACK: You just want to see my washboard abs again, don't you?
ENNIS: I know, I'm such a fag for six-pack abs. Especially on you.
JACK: Somebody is going to get cow-poked tonight.
ENNIS: I'm just glad I won't have to use my cattle-hand again. Prude.
Jack and Ennis make out.
Our heroic Brokeback Boys stumble into an Indian camp. Jack and Ennis are obviously beat up and in dire straits.
JACK (shaking dust off of his shirt): Who knew wild ostriches could stampede like that?
ENNIS: Well, you did steal some of their giant eggs so you could make me huevos rancheros.
JACK: I only did that because I love you. And I love huevos rancheros. Do you think this tribe will allow us to share our own tepee?
ENNIS: Do you see any rainbow tepees here, Jack? Do you? These Injuns will scalp us if they find out who we really are.
JACK: I don't know about you, but I'm queer, I'm here, and I have no fear! I don't give a fucking shit if some Injun thinks I'm poisoning his land by having buttsex with another dude. I was born this way. I can't help it. I'm not ashamed of it like you are. When I came out of the closet, I sent letter via Pony Express to my parents about you.
ENNIS: That's fine, I'm happy your parents accept you as a homosexual. But these Injuns have tomahawks and bows and arrows and stuff. I don't want to get killed right now. You never, know, some Injuns are weird. Maybe this isn't a breeder tribe. Maybe they're homo Injuns that like to suck on peace pipes, if you know what I mean.
JACK: It would be superduper if their sweatlodge doors swung both ways. Maybe we can live like the Injuns for a while. Live off the land. No governments or townspeople or churches to keep us down.
ENNIS: And I could start wearing makeup and put beads in my hair.
JACK: As long as your loincloth shows off your buns of steel.
They make out.
Pancho Villa's Mexican Vato Army swarms around the Brokeback Boys' hideout. All the Vatos (wearing sombreros, chaps, and really sweet handlebar mustaches) aim their guns at the hideout. We hear nearly endless clicks of rifles being cocked. The shot pans into the hideout.
JACK: Just great Ennis. First you sleep with Pancho Villa's nephew without me then you forget to renew my "Western Women's Wear Weekly" magazine subscription. Then you get us surrounded by Los Banditos Locos. I don't like the way this relationship is going. Not one diddly-dang bit.
ENNIS: Things just got a little crazy. You know you'll always be my partner. Forever and ever. Before we go out there, I want you to have this.
Ennis hands Jack a ring.
JACK: But this was your Nana's.
ENNIS: Now it's yours.
JACK: But, but…
ENNIS: If we survive this, I hear they can marry us on this cruise ship in Tahiti.
JACK: And if we don't survive?
ENNIS: Well, then I want you to know I love you. More than a partner.
The two make out as they reload their guns in preparation to fight the entire Mexican Vato Army.
JACK: Remember the Alamo.
ENNIS (looking into Jack's eyes as he cradles the back of Jack's neck): No. I'll remember you.
They make out again, then go outside to be shot by Mexicans, dying in a blaze of flaming glory.
End Note: I know Brokeback jokes are so 2006, but I've been sitting on this long enough. Hope you enjoyed it.