>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
August 4, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Study Finds Agreement on ‘Ideal' Nose

By Amy Norton

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) – People who opt for a nose job are no different from anyone else when it comes to their vision of the “ideal” nose, a study suggests.

Ideally one knows what their ideal nose knows, and what that nose knows, is how to smell chicken. Am I right or am I right?! WHO KNOWS! Perhaps my nose.

Not too prominent, with a modest “scoop” at the bridge and a slightly upturned tip — that's the nasal profile researchers found was preferred by plastic surgery candidates and non-candidates alike.

Plastic surgery candidates were chosen after a series of primary elections and caucuses. The primary candidate to come out of the Democratic ticket? You guessed it, The Republican Elephant.

And while this nasal architecture may not be “average,” it's not too far from it either, according to the study authors, led by Dr. David C. Pearson of the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida.

“Doctor? Hey it's Amir. I was just wondering if you found a cure for cancer yet. No? Ohhh, but you DO know the perfect type of nose. Okay okay that's fine.” *Throwing tax dollars at him*

The findings support the notion that people who undergo nasal plastic surgery are not suffering from a distorted body image, but have “very normal perceptions of themselves and of beauty in general,” Pearson told Reuters Health.

What a cool name that is! Can you imagine him as a kid, his teacher taking roll. “Health, Reuters?” “Here.” *The 17 vaginas in the classroom moisten slightly*

He and his colleagues report the results of their study in the Archives of Facial Plastic Surgery.

Ah yes, “AFPS” is a very very respected, AND might I add, legitimate, news source. Isn't that right, Reuters Health? * The 17 vaginas in the classroom moisten slightly more*

The study included 27 people seeking reduction rhinoplasty — surgery to reduce the size of the nose — and 15 people who were happy with their noses. Participants had to pick what they saw as the most attractive option in each of three series of pictures showing a white woman's face in profile.

27 people? This study is built to estimate the behavior of the population of America, close to 300 million people, and it's done so by interviewing TWENTY-SEVEN people?! Somebody find the Nobel Peace Prize NOW! WE MUST AWARD IT TO THESE PEOPLE THIS VERY INSTANT!

The original profile used in the study was generated by electronically morphing the photos of 12 white women; then, three series of images featuring a range of nasal distortions were produced by image manipulation.

That's not a study, that's a Michael Jackson video. And he molests children. I rest my case.

In one series, the degree to which the nose had a “scoop” or “bump” differed from image to image; in another, the tip of the nose turned up or down to varying degrees; and in the third, the prominence of the nose varied.

Seriously dude, the Nobel Prize, where is it.

Pearson's team found that rhinoplasty patients and non-patients seemed to agree on the ideal proportions. A nose that was somewhat smaller than the “average” image in each series — a little less prominent, a bit more of a scoop, a touch upturned — won the most admiration.

Oddly enough those are also the exact features of a banana split that most people prefer.

That doesn't mean, however, that one nose fits all. The modest-sized, slightly scooped and upturned nose may have been the favorite on the white female face in this study, the authors note, but that doesn't make it the one-and-only ideal.

No way! We studied TWENTY-SEVEN people here! Get ready for some uber-conclusive results people!

There may be universal “design principles” for surgeons to follow, according to Pearson, but not an ideal mold that outfits all rhinoplasty patients with “cookie-cutter” noses.

Cookie cutter noses are noses that you can dip into a jug of batter and out would come Christmas tree shaped cookies. The green sprinkles are sold separately however. *The 17 vaginas in the classroom are ready for action*