>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
April 20, 2005

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Whale-Dolphin Hybrid Has Baby Wholphin

By JEANNETTE J. LEE, Associated Press Writer

The only whale-dolphin mix in captivity has given birth to a playful female calf, officials at Sea Life Park Hawaii said Thursday.

Ah yes…finally, a Whale-Dolphin-Dolphin mix. This is what happens when feminists take over and start over-hyphenating every fucking last name.

The calf was born on Dec. 23 to Kekaimalu, a mix of a false killer whale and an Atlantic bottlenose dolphin. Park officials said they waited to announce the birth until now because of recent changes in ownership and operations at the park.

That reason doesn't make sense. There, I said it.

The young as-yet unnamed wholphin is one-fourth false killer whale and three-fourths Atlantic bottlenose dolphin. Her slick skin is an even blend of a dolphin's light gray and the black coloring of a false killer whale.

If it's named by the park, her name will be “Keikoma'aphalu” and if it's named by her mom she will go by “EEEEEEEEEH EHEHHHHHE HHHHHEHEHHH.”

The calf still depends fully on her mother's milk, but sometimes snatches frozen capelin from the hands of trainers, then toys with the sardine-like fish.

Whale-Dolphin hybrid milk truly is a rare commodity, but if you are ever to find a bottle or two at the grocers, I highly recommend picking one up.

She is jumbo-sized compared to purebred dolphins, and is already the size of a one-year-old bottlenose.

I'm pretty sure “jumbo-sized” is used to describe Slurpies, and Slurpies only.

“Mother and calf are doing very well,” said Dr. Renato Lenzi, general manager of Sea Life Park by Dolphin Discovery. “We are monitoring them very closely to ensure the best care for them.”

Ahem. SHE HAS a name.

Although false killer whales and Atlantic bottlenose dolphins are different species, they are classified within the same family by scientists.

False killer whales? Aren't humans also FALSE killer whales? No? Okay, I'm sorry for being ridiculous then.

“They are not that far apart in terms of taxonomy,” said Louis Herman, a leading expert in the study of marine mammals.

“My name is Louis Herman,” Louis Herman continued, “and I've finger-fucked a

Kekaimalu, whose name means “from the peaceful ocean,” was born 19 years ago after a surprise coupling between a 14-foot, 2,000-pound false killer whale and a 6-foot, 400-pound dolphin. The animals were the leads in the park's popular tourist water show, featured in the Adam Sandler movie “50 First Dates.”

YES! Okay, I KNEW that name sounded familiar. Said an idiot savant Adam Sandler fan.

Kekaimalu has given birth to two other calves. One lived for nine years and the other, born when Kekaimalu was very young, died a few days after birth.

So is that why I once ate a can of tuna that was labeled “Where are they now?”

Park researchers suspect the wholphin's father is an 8-foot long Atlantic bottlenose dolphin named Mikioi.

And when he finds out you've been sleeping with his wife, you are FUCKED.

“He seems to be totally oblivious to this happening,” Lenzi said.

Fucking typical GUY stuff.

False killer whales do not closely resemble killer whales. They grow to 20 feet, weigh up to two tons and have a tapering, rounded snout that overhangs their toothed jaw. Atlantic bottlenose dolphins reach a maximum size of 12 feet and can weigh up to 700 pounds.

Thank you very much RANGER RICK. HAHAHAH, just the FACTS THANKS! Ahahahahah.

Sea Life Park officials said they hope to decide on a name for the baby wholphin soon and move her to a large display tank in a few months.

Can I suggest a Whale-Dolphin hybrid name such as “Flippermu?” No, I can't? Because I don't work with your organization? Okay fair enough. A restraining order? Well that's very mature.