Guys, sorry, but it's time I ruined our little secret. It's time to come clean to the ladies and tell them what we really think about during sex. Or at least what's on our mind when we want to last longer. Think of this as a favor to all the females.
Monkeys are cool. This girl definitely wants to be fucked in the monkey hole.That's right, ladies, when we're having sex and don't want to explode right away, guys like to think about other stuff. Not gross old lady sex (although some dudes are into that); usually it's not even remotely erotic. Instead we organize the best fantasy baseball team ever, sing the "Star Spangled Banner" to ourselves, or work on our multiplication tables.
But for me, I like to make things complicated and I play a little something I call "The Alphabet Game." The point is to pick a topic, such as "people's names," and go through the alphabet. "Al, Ben, Carl, Dave, etc." It's a great distraction. Except I don't want to be thinking about dudes' names as I rail away on a girl, so that's never the topic.
Without further ado, here's my thought process during coitus:
"Okay, I'm definitely having sex with this chick. This is awesome. I'm so glad I put on a clean t-shirt, even if it was my roommate's. Since this is my first time with her, and I'm sure she's going to tell all her friends, I've really got to perform. This girl is smoking hot and I want some repeat action, so it's time to start The Alphabet Game. I'll start with different types of animals.
A. Um. That's the first letter in the alphabet. Holy crap this girl's tits are great. Going to feel them. Okay, awesome. A, um…Anteater. That's an animal that starts with A.
B. Bat.
C. Cat.
D. Dog.
E. Elephant.
F. Frog.
G. Goat.
H. Dude, I must have done this same list a thousand times. Maybe I should think of other stuff. Wait, what letter am I on? H. Um, oh yeah. Horse.
I. Iguana.
J. J? I don't know. Crap, she wants to roll over. I wonder if she likes the thumb in the butt. Er, I should save that for a later date. J? Maybe Jabberjaw? No, that's a cartoon. Jazelle? That's a made-up name. Jackal. Jackal is an animal.
K. What comes after J? Oh yeah. K. Maybe, um, kangaroo?
L. Lemur. That was far too easy for L.
M. Monkey. Monkeys are cool. This girl definitely wants to be fucked in the monkey hole.
N. Is there really an animal that starts with N? Mastodon? No, that's another M. Joe Namath? He was cool, but not an animal. Shit, maybe, um, nematode? Are those even real? Whatever, I got to keep thinking or I'm going to pop prematurely.
O. Octopus.
P. Porcupine.
Q. Quail, but I wonder if there are other Q animals….
R. Rattlesnake.
S. Shoehorn? Shoshone? Something? How can S be so hard? I am definitely fucking this girl. S? S? I don't know. Slappy? Susie? Sampsonite? Slug! Phew!
T. Tarantula.
U. Fucking U?!?! Seriously. Why don't the scientists name more stuff after U? ‘I got it!' Oops, probably shouldn't have said that out loud, but anyway. Unicorn.
V. Velociraptor. If I was scoring this, I'd give myself extra points for two make-believe animals in a row.
W. Walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo.
X. I'm not even going to try X. There's probably an X-ray eel or shark or something in the deep sea. I'll Google it some other time.
Y. Yakity yak on this girl's back.
Z. Zebra. Zebras are probably very pleased that the only thing anybody can ever think of with Z is them.
Well, shit. Now I've got to keep humping this girl, but I'm done with the game. I had a hard enough time getting through S, so I don't feel like doing more animals. Whoa, that sounded gross. ‘Doing more animals.' Hahaha. How about fruits and vegetables? Okay, go.
A. Apples.
B. Bananas.
C. Carrots.
D. Um, dill pickles?
E. Eggplant. Fuck yeah, I'm warmed up now. I'll roll through this.
F. Flowers? Flower-beats? Flower-peas? Flower-fruit? Fruit? Fudge? Funyons? Fuck. Next.
G. Goat-weed? Gumballs? Balls. She's touching mine. Better hurry. Grapes!
H. Horseradish.
I. Ice cream? I scream because I'm about to cream. Oh, how about iceberg lettuce? Count it!
J. J? Oh wait, nevermind. I'm about to spurt. Who fucking cares about J? Or this stupid fucking game."
And there you go, ladies. That's how a male's mind really functions during sex.