An enchanting collection of real-life tales from the sexy, fast-paced lifestyle of a bachelorette with a knack for kicking up the dirt.

Column Archives | 2008, 2007, 2006

2008 – Present

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April 2008

A Letter to My Neighbor, Shamu | 4-7-08
Shamu doesn’t have a job, and as such, his igloo of fat is on display for the neighborhood every day.

March 2008

The Tale of the Vile Irishman | 3-6-08
As a devoted wingwoman, Allison's friend Sarah endures the painful experience of putting up with a drunk, smelly Irishman all night.

February 2008

Your Guide to Celebrity Gossip Sites | 2-20-08
When you can't get enough of A-listers and slut-celebs like Angelina, Lindsay, and Paris, these websites are ready to feed your addiction.

January 2008

Sarah's Valentine's Day Disasters | 1-27-08
The following are accounts of horrible ex-boyfriends' V-Day deeds. The names have NOT been changed in order to protect you, the reader.

Queen of The Hills | 1-6-08
A little style, grace, and willingness to slut it up go a long way toward getting in the doors of a club. Especially if its for The Hills season finale party.

October 2007

Queefing on Command | 10-10-07
The ability to queef on command isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a skill, mastered only through years of dedication and vaginal exercise.

September 2007

Pie Crime Revenge | 9-17-07
Revenge is a dish best served cold…or sweet. Maybe a little cream filling will teach a boyfriend never to cream in another mistress again.

July 2007

Scattered, Mothered and Covered | 7-15-07
Even though moving back in with the parents comes with a free roof, the cost of motherly nagging could be enough to send you packing.

June 2007

Wining from a Castle | 6-17-07
The only thing worse than working at a winery in a castle, is listening to every inane, unfunny visitor comment about a winery in a castle.

April 2007

Breakfast, Lunch and Thinner | 4-29-07
When your life is boiled down to a single number, it's time to curb those cravings. Shed a few pounds or a few tears… either way it's lose-lose.

Swabbing the Poop Deck | 4-15-07
Many tales get buried in the depths, but any true sailor will tell you that when you hit rough waters, it's vital that you check your stern.

March 2007

MySpace Rehab | 3-25-07
Seven days without MySpace may not seem like a lot… if you're married with children… and grandchildren. Otherwise brace yourself.

Probing The Girls Next Door | 3-18-07
Being one of Hef's girlfriends isn't as challenging as you would think. You trade in true love and bearable sex for money and more money.

Knowing Your League Post-College | 3-11-07
Listen to the sad tale of Selma, lest you are a woman who thinks material success can make up for your lack of looks/hygiene.

February 2007

Knowing Your League in College | 2-18-07
Ladies, be careful throwing yourself at guys who just aren't interested. Much like food and expensive gifts, semen does not equal love.

Knowing Your League in High School | 2-11-07
When you're planning on asking out your big high school crush, it takes a lot of confidence… to admit that it's never going to happen.

Operation Tonsil Hockey | 2-4-07
The secret to any good deep throat relationship is to keep a clean roof over your mouth. Sometimes this requires opening up your throat.

January 2007

I Love New York | 1-28-07
Reality TV reared its ugliest head of all with Flavor of Love. And just before you could wash the taste out of your mouth, New York is back.

Roofie Slippers: No Place Like Home | 1-14-07
People who slip you roofies are the absolute scum of the earth. Luckily, they are easily forgotten.

Trey Parker: Bigger, Longer & Uncut | 1-7-07
Going down to South Park going to see if I can't… engage in sleazy ransacking, hot tub hookuping, and 50-pound pussy all in Trey's house.

December 2006

Geriatric Holiday Incest | 12-24-06
The holiday season is all about good times and high spirits. But most of all, family comes first… or multiple times if you're lucky.

Permission to Fart Freely | 12-17-06
To fart, or not to fart? That is the question that has plagued women in the presence of their men for ages. We say: let her rip.

Manford Has a Limp Dick | 12-3-06
Don't worry Manford, I've learned my lesson about talking behind your back. I won't tell anyone that you have a limp dick.

November 2006

Dumpster Diving: The Small Town Man Hunt | 11-26-06
You're looking high and low in your town, praying for the right guy to fall in your lap. Get off your knees and head for the richer hills.

My Dance Dance Resolution | 11-19-06
Your boyfriend's dancing with another man, childhood TV characters are humping, and this rave is feeling more like a rant. Oh the Ecstasy!