>>> The Strumpet's Trumpet
By staff writer Allison Parks

March 18, 2007

People. Let’s get serious for a moment. I am not kidding when I say that I would sell my entire family into white slavery to be one of The Girls Next Door (I even happen to share my name with a Playmate from the sixties). Oh, the pink bedrooms, slumber parties, arts, crafts, gifts, lavish meals, papered vacations, celebrity visitors. Slap some circus titties on me and point me towards the mansion! Who cares if I have to sit on Hef’s shriveled vanilla tootsie roll once a month. (Can he still get a boner? Really? Do they tie a stick to it like a weak tree?) Sure, between jumping on trampolines and decorating Easter eggs I may have to change an adult diaper or two. It’s a small price to pay.

In case you hate TV, the color pink, sparkly things, and joy, you may be unaware of the The Girls Next Door, a heavenly program about the lives of Hugh Hefner’s “girlfriends.” Viewers of this splendid series, now in it’s third season, are still milling over similar questions concerning the suspicious nature of their lifestyles; I will attempt to answer these questions using my wise theories based on nothing.

Who really sits on the old buzzard’s weenus?

We’ve all heard them in interviews, trained like big breasted parrots to say, “We do everything people in normal relationships do.” Lies! Holly crawls on top of that old corpse, but it is my belief that the others do not. Have you ever seen the others give Hef anything more than an insincere “honey” and an awkward peck with him pursing his lips extra tightly so his teeth don’t fall out? If brief kiss and a term of endearment are a great effort, there is no way the girls are receiving shriveled, decaying pole.

“I love Holly and Bridget. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve actually dreamt I was friends with them.”

And another thing, Kendra is a retard. An ever-loving birdbrain. I’ve seen her take off her helmet between interviews. It is not right for a responsible adult to stick it in a mentally challenged individualunless they’re unconscious, then it’s romantic.

Furthermore, have you ever seen those girls act even the tiniest bit lezzie with each other? No. Holly and Bridget act like sisters and they both detest Kendra but keep it secret, as not to upset His Hefiness.

Another characteristic of people who aren’t getting any is how they overuse sexual innuendos like middle school aged boys who have never seen a poonie. Except for mine, when I flash it in the quad for spare change and a round of applause. God I’m so lonely.

Does Hef’s scrotum drag on the ground?

Sometimes I forget how extremely old 80 really is. I have seen a nude 80-year-old female relative in the flesh. Too much flesh. Things drooping that shouldn’t. Elbows, knuckles, areola. As the flesh satchel spoke to me I played dead like a possum in hopes that it would flee and I could retain my innocence. I have also heard my mother talk in great detail about how my father’s balls hang so low it’s uncomfortableand he’s only 55. So I’m going to say if Hef hasn’t had any scrotal work, then they hit about mid thigh. I’m sure Holly has bruises in the back of her knees (sickening).

Why is Kendra there?

I love Holly and Bridget. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve actually dreamt I was friends with them. We were skipping on the lawn in our matching pink track suits, giggling with delight. Then I awoke to find it was all a dream and found it hard to get through the rest of my day.

But Kendra, come on now. She’s an obnoxious hood rat who’s messy, and it looks like her room smells. The girlfriends were narrowed from seven to three, and she somehow made the cut? I have decided that, since she is in excellent shape, Hef keeps her around to harvest her organs, so as time continues to ravage his withered old carcass he can remain vibrant, swinging his ballsack like a giddy school girl.

Will Hef dump the other two and marry Holly?

At first I thought no way… but now, if you watch interviews that have taken place after the season’s over, you will see some tension. Kendra and Bridget sit far away from Holly.

If he did propose, Holly should have a splendid honeymoon phase complete with bed pans, colostomy bags, walkers, and all sorts of geriatric antics!

Ok, I’m sleepy and out of questions, but send me your questions and I will answer them with my impressive wisdom and insight.