I'm sorry? What's that, you say?

Why yes! Why yes, thank you, Madam! Yes, in fact, I am drunk!

How ever could you tell? My stride, you say? I assure you that mine is not drunken stagger. Oh, no. I just find that the more ground I cover in this zig-zag motion, the more likely I am to stumble. Stumble upon adventure! Do send that poor poodle's owner my regards, however. A tragedy, to be sure, but the ground is no place for a dog to be sleeping. In its own yard. Bound to happen sometime.

My manner of speech, you say? Balderdash! I've never been so insulted in my life, Ma'am! To think that a gentleman such as I could be capable of the atrocities you've accused me… what's that? She was a nun, you say? No, surely she was a… it was a group of them? Well, then, I suppose I should say a small word of apology for inquiring whether or not they were interested in “all my cock has to offer.” Their response, as it seems, was genuine.

What of my comrades? How dare you call this troupe a besotted mob! This is merely a band of old chums who have had to distinct pleasure of accompanying me to the bars to rally against the cause of normalcy and sobriety! They are my trusted crew, all of us intent on getting three sheets to the wind and setting a course for Blackout Island! He's wanted for what, you say? No, no, that's just Jerry… got a real familiar-looking face, he does, gets that all the time… Jerry, put down the knife. Jerry, you're making things a lot worse for yourself, here, you can still make a getaway if you try… I know what they'll do if they catch you, just go and… Ma'am, I'm happy to report that I know not this bunch of unruly cads standing behind me, if you can call it standing. They must have come from a particularly rowdy party around these parts, or a nearby prison. I can assure you, however, that I was merely confused, thought I recognized a face in the crowd, and cannot be legally held responsible for anything said mob members did or did not disembowel before you showed up.

Oh, I'm sorry Madame. I must have been mistaken and really did have one or two too many… yes, it's funny… because I could have swore I just heard you say that you were an officer. Quite good, you see, the ears play tricks on one sometimes… a woman constable, yes quite… ah-ha. Yes, right, the flashing lights make it much easier to see the badge. Under arrest, you say? I see. Well, you leave me no choice, then.

Care to shotgun this last beer with me?